Jokes

[taff]

a guy was driving down the road in a robin reliant when all of a sudden it jus died, he got out and started tinkering under the bonnet to see if he could get it started again...
suddenly another guy pulls up in a porsche and asks if theres any thing he can do
"bloody car, i've only had it a week and this is the third time it has broken down on me" says the man with the robin

"tell you what" replies the man in the porsche "i'll tow you along and you try to get it going as soon as she starts flash your lights or beep your horn and we'll pull up unhook you and you can be on your way"

" thank you" replies the first man and off they set.

a little while later the man in the porsche hears some nise from his side and looks over to see gleaming red ferrari. the man in the farrari looks back at him gives him the finger and off he goes

the man in the porsche thinks his car is quicker than the ferrari and off he sets after him.

a couple of miles up the road a policeman is taking a leak in a lay by and hears VVVVHHHHRRRROOOOOOOOOM.

startled he runs back to his car picks up the radio

"sarge you aint going beleive this but there's this ferrari and this porsche racing your way got to be doing 150mph"

"and whats so unbelievable about that constable it happens almost daily around here"

"yeah but this time theres a guy in a robin reliant behind them flashing his lights and beeping his horn to get past"

[twitchy's_boss]

Want A Laugh, Read This Today


I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle...at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness...all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding.

Little did I suspect...
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close.

I hate to run over animals...and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street...and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary ****ed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in...well...I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street...on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.
The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand...I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked...sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger...

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car...
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.
And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

[VladTepes]

LOL I hope discomaniac reads this !

[moose]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

[hiline]

>>> A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
>>> as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
>>> neighbourhood.
>>>
>>> She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
>>> he had any odd jobs for her to do.
>>>
>>>
>>> "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How
>>> much will you charge me?"
>>>
>>>
>>> The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told
>>> her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
>>> she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He
>>> responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
>>>
>>>
>>> The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
>>> those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting in our e-mail lately."
>>>
>>>
>>> A short time later, the blonde went to the owner's door to collect her
>>> money.
>>>
>>>
>>> You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied,
>>> "and I had paint left over ....... so I gave it two coats."
>>>
>>>
>>> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
>>> to her.
>>>
>>> "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch ...... it's a
>>> Lexus".

[hiline]

how does a Kiwi find a sheep in the long grass ???????????????????








































Delightful :D

[Disco Steve]

how does a Kiwi find a sheep in the long grass ???????????????????








































Delightful :D

Thats Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad:p

[100I]

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[hiline]

>>>>EMOTION PARTY
>>>>
>>>>A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
>>>>different emotions e.g. fear etc.
>>>>
>>>>On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host
>>>>opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters
>>>>N and V painted on his chest.
>>>>
>>>>He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
>>>>as?"
>>>>The guy says, "I'm green with NV".
>>>>
>>>>The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."
>>>>
>>>>A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
>>>>door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather
>>>>boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
>>>>
>>>>He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you
>>>>come as?"
>>>>She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
>>>>The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
>>>>
>>>>A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and
>>>>the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,
>>>>standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the
>>>>other with his willy stuck in a pear.
>>>>
>>>>The host is really shocked and says,
>>>>
>>>>"What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing
>>>>like that out there in the street.
>>>>
>>>>Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"
>>>>Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just

>>>>come in despair

[Pedro_The_Swift]

not bad Ray,,
not bad at all:D

[RichardK]

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite
on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed,
the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his
pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."



She put them on and the waist was twice the size
of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.



"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband.
"I'm the man in this family."



With that, she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could
only get them on as far as his kneecaps.



He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties."



She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's
going to be until your bloody attitude changes!!"

[hiline]

>> Subject: Fw: Spiders and Catholic girls
>>
>>
>>> : FW: Spiders and Catholic girls
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl
>>> >>>>>was.
>>> >>>>>Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
>> of
>>> >>>>>nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and
>> stared
>>> >>>>>at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had
>> captured
>>> >>>>>her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>"They're mating," her father replied.
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
>>> >>>>>question
>>> >>>>>he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs"
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>
>>> >>>>>The little girl, looking a touch puzzled, thought for a moment,
>>> >>>>>then
>>> >>>>>took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of
>>> >>>>>that poofter **** in our garden!"
>>> >>>>>

[hiline]

THIS ONE SOUNDS GOOD. WORTH A READ!!



> >Subject: Fw: Living Life backwards
> >> >
> >Living Life Backwards
> >I want to live my next life backwards:
> >You start out dead and get that out of the way.
> >Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
> >Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
> >Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
> >Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
> >You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
> >You get ready for college: drink alcohol, party, and you're pretty much a
> >free spirit.
> >Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
> >responsibilities.
> >Then you become a baby, and then...
> >You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
> >conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and
> >then...
> >You finish off as an orgasm.
> >
> >I rest my case.

[hiline]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park! . You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years .... maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

[DeeJay]

Driving Test:You are driving in a car at a constant speed.On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star (like your highlighting it).* Get your drunk **** off the merry-go-round. *

[VladTepes]

DeeJay that was a funny one !

[DeeJay]

DeeJay that was a funny one !
Well if u can post so it works everyone can get a laugh:cool:

[VladTepes]

Yes well it does epend on what theme / background color people have theirs set to.

Never mind - its still funny !

[hiline]

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take ashower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,"Where is the rake?"She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points toher eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to herbackside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I couldeven come close to that one.Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"She replies,Scroll on - it is worth it, I promise!




































"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!! -

[hiline]

>
>
> A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
> over
> his mouth and nose.
>
> A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
> "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
>
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
> here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again,
> "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"
>
> Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
> worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back
> the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one
> hand and his testicles in the other.
>
> Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with
> them, Sir!"
>
> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
> slowly
> "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
> closely...
> ..
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> SCROLL DOWN
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
>

[VladTepes]

LOL my missus won't find that funny at all

[timaus13]

Once upon a time a long long long time ago a Handsom Prince asked a Beautifull Princess to marry him.
She politely said No and he lived Happily ever after.
The end

[FenianEel]

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice, at the casino.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.. "YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching".
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[hiline]

good one mate :D:D:D

[moose]

....but all men are men.

You say that as though it a problem:D

[hiline]

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was
more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by
the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it,
I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,
I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on
my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased
with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused:
"Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sschmez]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer...








Bitch

[hiline]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist and this was one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life".
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.
The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera" she said "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million dollars" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming".

[Ken]

Q--What do Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson have in common

A--Theyve both been punched around the ring :D:D:D

[hiline]

> > One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he
> > asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he
> > could get a bit of action.
> > "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
> >
> > "Well Superman, everyone knows that
> > Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland.
> > Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.
> >
> > "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends.
> > So I don't really want to take advantage of her."
> >
> > "Damn shame." said Batman as he waved goodbye to
> > Superman and drove off.
> >
> > Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a
> > city when he saw the Green Lantern.
> > "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're
> > a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in
> > comicland?"
> >
> > "Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is
> > far and away the best lay in comicland, why don't
> > you try her?"
> >
> >
> >
> > "Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but
> > I didn't realize she had gotten around so much." and
> > he flew off in frustration.
> >
> > Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a
> > field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the
> > middle of the field, with her legs apart.
> >
> >
> > Superman was tempted. He
> > thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding
> > bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."
> > So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and
> > gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a
> > dazed ___expression. "What the hell was that??" she
> > exclaimed.
> >
> > "I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he
> > rolled off, "but my ass is killing me."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you're not laughing you're dead!

[hiline]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find
a Little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy
a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not
need an over - priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I
must find water first."

OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do
not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that
I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the
east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all
the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

Your f **king brother won't let me in without a tie."

[100I]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying " Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window; so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I
live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" But I didn't hang up. He asked, "Are you
still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me,"He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, in a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.

"He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover!

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news
helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!

[FenianEel]

Don't know if this has been posted before - but it's hilarious, and I love it:D

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[jimbo110]

THANKS TO THE INTERNET...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop being in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up the car.
I no longer drink Pepsi since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use glad wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be *****ed with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me - that's if they don't steal my kidneys too.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a white tailed spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can't ever pick up $10 I dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain petrol companies on certain days!

If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbours ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

[Disco300Tdi]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[jimbo110]

THE 7 KINDS OF SEX
SMURF SEX: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
KITCHEN SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
BEDROOM SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
HALLWAY SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "**** you."
RELIGIOUS SEX: Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
COURTROOM SEX: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least...
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

[rrturboD]

That was great!

[Disco300Tdi]

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "****,
****, ****, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[VladTepes]

Brisbane Airport
A bloke named Bill, on vacation overseas, lost his wallet and all
identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home in
Queensland, but is stopped by the Australian Customs at Brisbane airport.
"May I see your passport, please?" asks the customs officer.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my passport," replies the bloke.
"Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," says the Customs
Officer.
"But I can prove I'm a Queenslander!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Joh
Bjelke-Peterson tattooed on one cheek and Rob Borbidge on the other."
"This I've got to see," replies the Customs Officer.
With that, Bill drops his pants and shows the officer.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the officer. "Welcome Home"
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know for sure I was from Queensland?"





The Officer replies, "I recognized Peter Beattie in the middle."

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says, "If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends Walter"****************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
****************************************
Husband asks spouse, "Do you know the meaning of W.I.F.E.?? It's Without
Information, Fighting Every time." Wife replies, "No, It means, With
Idiot For Ever!"
***************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
***************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, and my mom fainted,
dad had a heart attack, & our neighbor ran away.
***************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies sarcastically, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."
***************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son. I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!".

[roverfj1200]

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Garge.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, How was your day?"

Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks The doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[googe]

2 snakes are slithering through the bush and one says are we poisonous? I dunno says his mate why? I just bit my tongue.

[VladTepes]

2 snakes are slithering through the bush and one says are we poisonous? I dunno says his mate why? I just bit my tongue.

ROFLMAO !!!! :D:D:D

[googe]

An old deaf bloke goes to his doctor for a general checkup. Takes his wife to interpret as he is stone deaf.

Doctor says "OK...I need a sample of you blood, urine, sperm and faeces"
Old bloke turns to his wife and says "what did he say"
She says.....


He wants to see you underpants love :D:D:D:D Love that one :D :D :D

[googe]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[Traveler]

The national poetry competition has two finalists.
One an academic from Melbourne
The other a bushy from outback Queensland.
They are given 2 minutes to come up with a poem with the word Timbuktoo.
The Melbourne guy goes first: Across the desert sands, treked the dusty caravans, men on camel, two by two, destination Timbuktoo.
Not to be outdone the Queenslander stands up: Tim and me a huntin' went, met three whores in a pop up tent, they were three, we were two, so i bucked one and Timbuktoo.

[Bigbjorn]

A business woman checked into a five star hotel and went to the bar for a couple of pre-dinner drinks. She was seated next to a well-dressed prosperous looking man. After a while she noticed he was regularly looking at a very fancy looking watch. She asked him if he was expecting someone who was running late as she had noticed him looking at his watch. He told he that was not the case but he was getting used to the watch which he had bought that day. He said " This is a state of the art very high tech watch which communicates with me telepathically using ultra wave technology. It can also receive brain waves from other people close by." Oh", she said, "has it told you anything about me?" He replied "Yes, it tells me you are not wearing panties". "Well your watch is dead wrong. I am definitely wearing panties" she said. "Damn thing is running an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?"

[BigJon]

2007 Australian Citizenship test

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the ****"? ________________________________________
2. What is a bloody little beauty??
___________________________________
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
___________________________________
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
__________________________________

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
___________________________
6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
_________________________________
7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
__________________________________
8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
__________________________________
9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
__________________________________

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
__________________________________
11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
__________________________________
12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
__________________________________
13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
__________________________________
14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
__________________________________
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
__________________________________
16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
__________________________________

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
__________________________________
18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
__________________________________
19. Who would you like to crack on to?
__________________________________
20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
__________________________________
21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_________________________________
22. What does " sinkin ' **** at a mates joint and getten para " mean?

[VladTepes]

Yay - I'm Australian !!!!!!!!!!!

[VladTepes]

This on the aother hand is a real news story:


Pommie lingo test is unfair dinkum, mate



Sarah Hall, political correspondent
Thursday August 19, 2004
The Guardian (http://www.guardian.co.uk/)


They may describe women as "sheilas" and use "bastard" as a term of endearment but, apart from pedants, few suggest Australians cannot speak English.
Few, that is, apart from the Home Office. Under rules introduced last month, Australians - and Canadians, New Zealanders, South Africans, and Americans - must prove they have a good grasp of English to become UK citizens.

Yet officials have still not decided how to prove this.
Under the new rules, all migrants wanting British passports must prove sufficient English knowledge, the easiest means to which is gaining an English for Speakers of Other Languages certificate.
Those who speak English as their first language cannot sign up, however - they need written confirmation from a designated person that they have an equivalent qualification. Proof can be obtained by having a chat with a designated person.
The trouble is that the Home Office has not yet decided who the designated judges will be.
A Home Office spokesman said the list would be determined "shortly" and would be in place by September 1.
Meanwhile, applicants who have to wait an average seven months for naturalisation, and who must have lived in Britain for five years, are fuming at being rejected.
An public figure who has been knighted and has lived in Britain for 44 years has been rejected, as has a 30-year-old Australian writer, who did not wish to be named. She said the Home Office had turned her down despite her two degrees in English and public communications. The writer's MP, the Liberal Democrat for Brent East, Sarah Teather, yesterday wrote to David Blunkett denouncing their treatment as a "bureaucratic nonsense". The Home Office said it would be wrong to assume applicants from English-speaking countries had workable English. "Just because someone's born in an English-speaking country doesn't mean to say they're exempt from these standards of proof," the spokesman said.

[Chenz]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."



"Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.


Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."


Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his

fu****g widow."

[Chenz]

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived
a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that
a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic
and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies
department and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather
gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent of his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter:




Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go
out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen
the long one with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to
remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little tight on her. She also said that they rub against
her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it
since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Ron

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with
a little bit of fur showing.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:

[FenianEel]

Old Kiwi jokes

Q: What's the difference between the Wallabies, the All Blacks and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What is the main function of the Wallabies coach?
A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q: What's the All Black version of a hat-trick?
A: Conceding three tries in three minutes.

Q: Why don't the Wallabies backline need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

Q: What do the Wallabies, All Blacks and drug addicts have in common?
A: All three spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

In the next edition of Chambers dictionary under 'complacent' it reads "New Zealand All Blacks, Australia Wallabies, RWC Quarter final, 2007."
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "New Zealand are good enough to win the World Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Did you hear that the Australia Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Wallabies rugby players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the NZ politician who was found dead in an All Black jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered." The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon says, "Try electricians everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says, "I prefer Southern Hemisphere players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

Q: What do you have when the All Blacks are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do you call an Australian at the RWC final?
A: Ref.

[p38arover]

This on the aother hand is a real news story:

An public figure who has been knighted and has lived in Britain for 44 years has been rejected,

"An public figure"? :eek:

Maybe the reporter from the newspaper couldn't speak English either! :D

[Traveler]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.


The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.


The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.


The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered, BP

[incisor]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[DeeJay]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their
shoes.

9. If at first yo u don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put
it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
side,
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on
the same night.

[DeeJay]

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They

bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the
Pilot
says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let

us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.> >However, even

with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it
goes
and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,
"Any
idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick.

:D:D:D:D

[RichardK]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short pause in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"$ex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old poop. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

[Greylandy]

http://www.greylandy.com/images/bokoz.jpg

[hiline]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses...' He didn't get to finish the sentence,
because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she
was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes,tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ****ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your mother****ing snacks, because you are married
now, and you aren't ****ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

......and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?




sorry about the swearing part :angel:

[Bigbjorn]

Medical researchers have determined that there is aan advantage in using chicken blood in human blood transfusions.

It makes the men cocky, and the women lay better.

[rick130]

How do you get a little old lady to mutter the 'F' word darkly under her breath ?












Get another little old lady to shout "BINGO" !

[incisor]

GOLF IN IRELAND

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump
on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the
little guy, reviving him.

' Arrgh, what happened?' the leprechaun said.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' said the golfer.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
want?'

'Thank god you're all right!' the golfer answers with relief. ' I don't want
anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

'I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want
--- a great golf game,
--- all the money he ever needs,
--- and a fantastic sex life. '

A year goes by ( as it does in stories like this ) and the American golfer is
back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting fot him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here.'


The little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, hows your golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer
now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh I'm fine now, thankye. I did that for yer golf game , you know. And tell me,
hows yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash I just reach
into my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also. And tell me, hows yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes and turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good
job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around and whispers, 'once, maybe twice a
week.'

'What??' responds the leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a
week?'

'well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a catholic priest in a
small parish.'

[RichardK]

And...........poking a bit of fun at us oldies.......


An elderly gentleman...
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don' t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis

[RonMcGr]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[DeeJay]

How to spot a redneck hunter who has lost his driving licence DUI.:D

[97discotdi]

A young Japanese couple get married. After the reception they go to bed, both are virgins, but the guy has to try and be cool and expeirienced.
The young stunning and nubile wife is laying with the blankets pulled over her head, the husband trying to calm her nerves say's. "Darling whatever you want,no matter how daring it sounds,just ask and I will do it, we must start our life together open and honest with no limits,pleasure is integral to a happy relationship".
The wife with trembling voice says"Darling my friends say 69 is velly nice, could you do that for me".
After a prolonged silence the husband says in a puzzelled tone "What , you want Chilly Chicken with Cashews? :p

[VladTepes]

that joke might work better if they were chinese.

[Ken]

Imagine how recycled toilet paper feels when it sees another butt and thinks

not this again :D:D:D:D

[Chenz]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[Cap]

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The General Manager of XXXX smiles and says, "I'll have a XXXX Gold."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
The bloke from Carlton says, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager from Cascade glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.



He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[Disco300Tdi]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?


Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.


White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
to do just about anything.



You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with
a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want to live.



Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with White Wine.



However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.



However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
encouraged to try it.



Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing loss of
money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play
all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.



WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like an
idiot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!

[FenianEel]

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ."

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.

The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."

"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.

John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast,

and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until

late at night and the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"






"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere out near Bathurst."

[FenianEel]

Teenage Daughter Manual.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it
describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty (which does NOT
include the right to return the product to the factory for a
full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)?
(c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of
these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice
try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized.
This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to
shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do
this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house.

[FenianEel]

An Irish Boy's Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, Dicky?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Brown?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Margaret Doyle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Anne O' Neil?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months holiday and five good leads!"

[V8Ian]

Sorry all mine are racist, sexist or just plain rude, funny but.

[taff]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled look, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[incisor]

A Woman's Brain is Amazing


https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2007/12/196.jpg


Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.























A man, of course, has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.

[Bushwanderer]

Not a joke but still pretty funny :D

Another Female Parking Job*Picture (http://break.com/index/bb9220.html'matchid='matchid=)

That's particularly funny with the store sign in the background.:D:D:D:D

[cucinadio]

a blond boards an aircraft and by passes the hostes and runs and sits in first class

with that the hostes ask's her what she is doing?, that infact her ticket is for econamy not first class!

she replies

"im blond, im beautieful, im flying first class to L.A and i can do what ever i like"

with that the hostes ask's her againe what are u doing?

she againe replies

"im blond, im beautieful, im flying first class to L.A and l can do what ever i like"

with that the hostes ask's a few more times and finally give's in and goes to talk to the captain, he instanty comes back to first class and has a word to the blond

"what seem's to be the problem miss"

with that she replies

"im blond, im beautieful, im flying first class to L.A and i can do what ever i like"

and with that he bends down and whispers in her ear and she "jumps up" and and runs back to economy and sit down nice and quite

and the hostes ask's the captain "what did u say to her"

he explained

" I simply told he that first class isn't flying to L.A today"


"boom boom"

cheers

[Disco300Tdi]

CAKE OR BED?
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVEAGL WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVEWESTINGHOUSEWRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVEBUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS............................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

[V8Ian]

Heard two baked beans talking about where to go for there holidays yesterday.
They decided on cairns.

Whatch it ol mate, haha

[hiline]

I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work.

I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car and wouldn't you know it, he was a dwarf.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said "I'm NOT f*#%ing happy!"

So I said "Well, which f*#%ing one are you then?"

And that's how the fight started......

[hiline]

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, I.....w...a...s......a...l...m...o... s..t........m..a...r...r...i...e..d"

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"

The reply comes, "Y..e..s , ....I....w..e..n..t.....t..o.....a....d..o..c..t.o ..r......a..n..d.... he...... t..o..l.d..... m..e.... t..h..a..t..... i..f..... I...... s...p..e...a...k..... s..l..o..w.l..y ...... I .... w..o.u..l..d..... n...o...t.... s...t..u...t...t...e...r"

The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.

W..e..l..l,..... m..y..... f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a..n..d........ I...... w..e...r...e..... s..i.t..t..i..n..g.... o..n.....h..e..r....... p.. o..r..c..h... a..n..d.... h.e...r... d..o..g... w..a..s.. s...c..r..a..t..c..h.i..n....g...... h..i..s....b..a..c..k....s.o..... I.... t..o..l..d.... h..e..r...... t...h..a.t......w...h. e..n..... w..e.....a..r..e.... m..a..r..r..i..e.d,.....s..h.. e...... c..a .n...... d..o..... t..h..a.t..... f..o..r..... m..e ...... a..n..d..... t..h..e.n.... s.h..e.... t..h..r..e..w..... t..h..e..... e..g.a...g...e.. m...e...n...t r..i..n..g..... i..n..... m..y..... f ..a..c..e"

Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the friend.

W..e..l..l , ..I.....s..p..e.a..k.....s..o.....s..l..o..w.l..y, .....t..h..a..t... b..y.....t...h ..e...... t..i...m...e..... s..h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d ....a..t .... t..h..e ... .d..o.g,..... h..e ....w..a..s.......l..i..c..k.. i..n..g ...h..i..s ..... b..a..l..l..s."

[hiline]

Voted Best Joke of the Year inAustralia

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[FenianEel]

Was in NZ a couple of years back in a pub having a pint.
I left and went outside, and round the back there was a guy shagging a sheep.
I said to him "Oi mate, back in Australia, we shear them!"
He said "puss off! I'm not sharing it with anyone."

[FenianEel]

Snow White was giving the 7 dwarves a bath and they were all feeling grumpy


So he got out :twisted:

[adnic]

hi all,
i nun is on a plane & the pilot announces the engines are giving out & he is going to try and put it down into the ocean. he warns it may be their last 10 mins on earth so to make their peace.
the young nun realizes she has missed so much in her life already she yells
"is there a man on this plane who will make me feel like a woman before we crash?!"
a tall bronzed aussie bloke stands up, walks over & pulls his shirt off & says
"here love..wash that for us will ya"

boom, boom!!
ad:p

[Chenz]

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job
and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the
postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it
and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party
Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank
you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the
best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there.
Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea. "I've been all
alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two
of us."

[victa125]

santa asked the little kid, what would you like for christmas. Little kid goes get a life. hmm

[RobHay]

santa asked the little kid, what would you like for christmas. Little kid goes get a life. hmm


Huh !:(

[Bushie]

Here was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no! He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"


Martyn

[RonMcGr]

Thought for the day

http://memweb.newsguy.com/~mcgrice/image00121.gif


Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it.

P*ss on it and walk away.

[FenianEel]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call centre in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[RichardK]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.She directs him down the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the storeto get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobaccoand some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

[VladTepes]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as
she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and
reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivees?', Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping
money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket
and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself
some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set
her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is
wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no
knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money
you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says,
'For the sake of decency, here's
a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The
wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked
under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the
frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough
money ta be able ta affarrd
any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and
says, 'Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a
bit.'

[RonMcGr]

��

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]�


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]�

�


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]�


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]�


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]�


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably�IS�the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]�


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]�


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]�


Local�High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[rfurzer]

I have recently moved to Tas as a permanent move. As i drove off the boat, the officials asked if i had a return ticket- when i told them that i was planning to stay they said that i needed to take the citizenship test for permanent residency status

1. What size chainsaw do you have?
2. Do you have an unroadworthy, registered, homemade 6x4 trailer?
3. Are there horizontal parts to a goal post?
4. A triangular yellow sticker should say "NO -----"
5. If a possum eats your roses, where may it be relocated to? a. a forested location within 2km or b. The afterlife- pick best answer.
6. What calibre rifle do you own?
7. Is an ancient tree a. A wondrous beauty or b. yet to be chipped -pick best answer
8. Will you lose a fingertip within 10 years of arrival?

My apparently incorrect answer to 3 nearly lead to being deported back to NSW.

[dmdigital]

***Language Warning***

Hitler is banned from a forum

YouTube - Hitler Gets Banned From Silentwulf (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Bfgn2lOSx6M)

And the moral of the story children is: be nice to the forum administrator

[Pedro_The_Swift]

:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Roll ing::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:: Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolli ng::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::R olling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rollin g::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Ro lling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:

[timaus13]

Well what a hoot my wife is still laughing.:D:D:lol2::lol2::arms::arms::clap2::clap2 ::woot::woot::thumbsup::thumbsup::arms::arms::lol2 ::lol2:

[Disco300Tdi]

:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Roll ing::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:: Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolli ng::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::R olling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rollin g::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Ro lling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:

X 2

[LandyAndy]

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Thats pretty good.
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
I reckon Inc will get a good laugh out of that!!!
Andrew

[VladTepes]

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US. The Red Wings general manager signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?". "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all the while you were having such great time." The young Iraqi is very upset.

"What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place."

[sclarke]

Gold

[RichardK]

A blondes year in review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

[Ken]

Q : How do you drown a blonde






A: throw a mirror in the pool :o

[VladTepes]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when
suddenly Bubba says. "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in
over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over...

....women like that are hard to find."

[hiline]

During the Sunday service, the local Vicar explains that his outgoings
are greater than his wage from the parish and hence he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago,
stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the
Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally contribute to enable a doubling of
his salary. And, I will establish a foundation to guarantee private
secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*** the Vicar'.

[hiline]

MY LIVING WILL


Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at
all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."



So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.



She's such a bitch.

[DeeJay]

Ordering a cake by phone:

Okay, so this is how I imagine this conversation went.............

Cake-shop employee answers phone..., 'Harro, dis Springvale cake-shop,
how can I herlp you?'

Customer, 'I would like to order a cake for a going away party this
week.'

Employee, 'What you want write on cake?'

Customer, 'Best Wishes Suzanne'..underneath that..'We will miss
you'....'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2008/01/34.jpg[/IMG]

:D:D

[RonMcGr]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en -ter-tayn-ment ) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[RonMcGr]

This one has been floating around the ADF :-)
Really well done.

[FenianEel]

Irish Maths Test

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9.."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.




"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go"




The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."




The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."


"So, when do I start?"

[Scallops]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The
view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the
landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the
barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place
they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then,
when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see
that you get laid. All on the house."

"Really?" said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"

Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did
happen to me sister." :D

[Blknight.aus]

One that hit the ADF inbox today allegedly from the sydney papers... apparently the story was going to be run first page till some research was done into the topic

the story.

"while travelling I found a large sign in a window of a local business and was outraged by what it said. In large bold letters painted into the window was this message."

"We would rather do business with 1000 Al Quida Terrorsist than 1 Australian soldier"










reporters were sent out with a head of steam only to find that it was a funeral home.

[VladTepes]

LOL good stuff those last 3.

[RonMcGr]

Subject: a love story



A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to

other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a

Trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were

both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....



He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned

down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,

but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second

blanket? I'm awfully cold."



"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let's pretend

that we're married."



"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.



"Good," she replied.

"Get your own f****ing' blanket."



After a moment of silence, he farted.



The End

[RonMcGr]

The way it was . . .How old is Grandpa???

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . And then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . But who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,

' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principals office,

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????



















This man would be only 59 years old.

[100I]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.'I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.''Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.'Anyway', she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'



So I told her to **** off

[BigJon]

LOL :D:p

[87County]

penicillan in fairly widespread us by us forces by 1944:)



The way it was . . .How old is Grandpa???

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . And then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . But who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,

' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principals office,

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????



















This man would be only 59 years old.

[FenianEel]

Aircraft Accident - please read first


My friends ex-wife, Cindy, started taking flying lessons several months before
their divorce proceedings started (1999) and got her license about the time
it became final.

Recently, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was
piloting when she was forced to attempt an emergency landing in a
garden across town because of bad weather and crashed.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient
fuel on board. Thankfully, no one on the ground was injured.

The attached photograph was taken at the scene and shows the extent of
the damage to her aircraft.

She was very, very lucky. . . . . .






Scroll down...

[hiline]

A TRUE QUEENSLANDER

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, 'I'll have a Tooheys New.'

The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, 'I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water.'

The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, 'I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.'

The bloke from Carlton says, 'I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet.'

The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, 'I'll have a Diet Coke.'

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.



He just shrugs and says, 'Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I.'

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Its all true!:p

[hiline]

well well the 1st to reply was a queenslander :p:p

not a bad joke i thought

[Outlaw]

And without being edited to be state-bias.... i am impressed :D:D:D

[hiline]

i was going to but couldn't be bothered .............

now i'll have to wear it on the chin ;)

[Pedro_The_Swift]

along with last nights pizza,,,,
:p:p

[VladTepes]

Mmmm tasty XXXX will appear in mt Fraser trip report.

[RonMcGr]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that
maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a
few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and
made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a
few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked "What in the name of god are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of
days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

(You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

[RonMcGr]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his Gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.


"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.


"What's so funny?" he asked


"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little older ladies!

Their minds are always working!

[RonMcGr]

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

[RonMcGr]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

http://memweb.newsguy.com/~mcgrice/image.jpg

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

[BMKal]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here." The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"

The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that sh*t again , you're in my closet now."

[BMKal]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was
Enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
Didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
Would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker,
light It, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count
to 10.


The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest
guy In the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a
beer can next To my ear is going to help me with my problem.'

Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held
The can up to his ear and began to count:

'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
Between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania and several
Suburbs in Brisbane.

[BMKal]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?'
Asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*ck would you say?'

[hodgo]

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Georgia. The Georgia State
Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been
with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room
and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay
her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's
the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about
$10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a
bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with
my wife occasionally."

" That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

[hodgo]

[/URL]


Sure to offend somebody...

Ahmed the Arab came to the Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,

'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, **** in de bocket,
**** on de ****, and den put your head down over de bocket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahmid took the bucket, went into the other room, **** in the bucket, ****ed on the ****, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said, 'You were homesick ..'





[URL="http://a.ninemsn.com.au/b.aspx?URL=http%3A%2F%2Fcontent%2Emycareer%2Ecom%2 Eau%2Fsalary%2Dcentre%3Fs%5Fcid%3D595810&_t=766724125&_r=Hotmail_Email_Tagline_MyCareer_Oct07&_m=EXT"] (http://a.ninemsn.com.au/b.aspx?URL=http%3A%2F%2Fcontent%2Emycareer%2Ecom%2 Eau%2Fsalary%2Dcentre%3Fs%5Fcid%3D595810&_t=766724125&_r=Hotmail_Email_Tagline_MyCareer_Oct07&_m=EXT)

[hodgo]

this is to funny!

http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:BZOyW9AQyfWvPM:http://imagesjupiterimages.com/common/detail/03/26/23212603.jpg

A story I heard...

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

[Blknight.aus]

two urban yuppie blondes were lost in the forest when they came across a set of tracks, standing in the middle of them they argued over weather they were rabbit tracks and should therefor befollowed north or kangaroo tracks and should be followed south. The argument raged for a good 20 minutes before the southbound 11:15 freight train ploughed into them.

[Tango51]

Two hobos were looking for a quick dollar, so they knocked on the door of a random house and asked if they had any chores for them. The lady said they were planning a party for her son, but they could go around the back of the shed and chop some timber for a few dollars.

Meanwhile the phone rings, its the clown, he cant make it to the party. The mother is looking out the window, wondering what she can do, when she spots one of the hobe doing magnificient cartwheels and summersaults through the air. She runs out to the other hobo, and asks him, "Would your friend do that again at my son's party for $100?"

He replies, "Hang on, ill ask him, "Hey Larry, would you chop off another toe for $100?"
Tango:D

[Tango51]

An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff .... dad .... I became a prostitute "

"Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) ... "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and ...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug!"
Tango:o

[Tango51]

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
:D Tango :o

[FenianEel]

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into
the clouds. After climbing to the first cloud he met a smelly,
unattractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder
to success." This was not a hard choice for Jack. Jack ran up the
ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said,
"Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Figuring it only
gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder further up.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have
sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Since things were
getting better the higher he got, Jack chose to climb the ladder
even further.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace
the universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex
with me or climb the ladder to success." Jack was extremely tempted
to satisfy his urges but figuring it could only get better, he chose
to climb the ladder at least one more time.


At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 200 kg.. naked
man grabbed him. Jack screamed, "Who are you?"
The man replied, "I'm Cess."

[Cap]

A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."
The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it .... and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"**** no!" said the bloke, "I came back to see if you've got [some references deleted which do not affect the joke] an Indian spin bowler...

[Tango51]

And that's funny because...?

[Mud_Bogger6]

Good Question

[VladTepes]

Maybe if you'd have just left it at "Indian Spin Bowler" it might have worked.

[sschmez]

A not so politically correct joke

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

anyone else ... lighten up, substitute your own stereotype, and have a laugh:D ... It's good for you

[sschmez]

Wow ... that was quick vlad;)

[solmanic]

... which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

:lol2::lol2::lol2::clap2:

[VladTepes]

I'm nothing if not efficient !

I don't think the deletion makes the joke any less funny.

I do however completely agree with the proposition that:


"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

[BMKal]

I am a retired old fart.

Working people frequently ask me ...”what I do to make my days interesting?”.

Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

You don't see many policemen writing parking tickets these days, so I went up to him, and said, "Come on, son, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi scumbag turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres and a cracked windscreen.

So I called him a sh*t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

I made snorting noises...then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

[BMKal]

7210

[FenianEel]

.........which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Actually, it is possible. You can pickup a cowpat by the dried side, leaving your hands dry and reasonably clean, and exposing the warm mushy side(before throwing at your brother or sister):D

[Ken]

Q what do you get if you cross a Elephant with a Kangaroo










A Big holes all over Australia :D:D:D:D:D

[VladTepes]

Q what do you get if you cross a Elephant with a Kangaroo










A Big holes all over Australia :D:D:D:D:D


GROAN........

[Blknight.aus]

so what happens when you breed a kangaroo with a sheep.....

















































you get a wooly jumper.:D

[Bigbjorn]

And if you cross fleas with fish?



you get itchy cods.

[Ferret]

This blokes in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning and theres a really bad storm going on. Stuff that, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife, so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is standing outside.

"Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push??"

"No, p*** off, it's half three. I was in bed" says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a *****. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to **** off??"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

and he replies: "I'm over here on the swings."

[Blknight.aus]

So we're back in the day and mick jaggers got a bit of italian crumpet.....

and at some point we rejoin the story in the future, in a small bank somewhere west of sydney where an attractive young woman is trying to utilise a precious white china elephant as a form of collatoral. On the desk between the lovely lady and the lass with the irish lilt is a slight dissaray of legal looking paperwork bearing some ticks, sign here stickers a number that just doesnt look like making the grade for getting a loan and a small attractivley written nameplate bearing P. Whak adorns the tellers chest just above the scintilating turn of her breasts. Its been some time and the local manager meanders over eyeing both the feminine bueatys before him and while fantasising in only the way that a male could when encountering 2 gorgeous women in business atire is distracted enough to note that the conversation rather than leading towards the connotations of bedrooms, lingere and baby oil he'd rather be thinking about is becoming kind of heated. The illusion shattered he steps in behind the svelte irish girl and as he fingers through the paper work enquires to the nature of the problem..

The young teller informs him that the young lady is trying to procure a personal loan but only has this strange little item, which the teller doesnt recognise, as a securing item.

The manager leafs through the paper work one more time spends a little time eyeing some details on some of the pages and explains.

"Its a nick nack Patty Whak, Give the girl a loan, her old mans a rolling stone."

[DeeJay]

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on
Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed
at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me
for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.






Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little
out of the corner of his left eye.

[incisor]

(Must Read Out Loud)
1) That’s not right............................................. ...Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive.........................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.............................................. ....Kum Hia
4) Stupid Man............................................... .......Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse............................................. ........Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach.....................................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped the coffee table..................................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift................................Chin Tu Fat
9) It’s Very dark in here.........................................Wai So Dim
10) I Thought you were on a diet...........................Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone...................................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week..........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight.........................................Lei Ying Lo
14) He’s cleaning his automobile .........................Wa Shing Ka
15)Your body odor is offensive............................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great............................................. ...................Fa Kin Su Pah

[solmanic]

Yu so fa ni inc.

[DeeJay]

DEAF SEX

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes, "Honey,
why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you
want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two
times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his
wife, if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis
one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times. :cool:

[stock]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[Bushwanderer]

Hi Stock, Anyone would think that you came from Ireland. :)

Chicks: Young (preferably) women.
****: Beer
Bull****: What people talk (even moreso when drunk). Nonsense.

[Bushwanderer]

Oops,
It looks like the pc speller has caught me. Hopefully, you will get the message anyway. :D

[incisor]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL :The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL :Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

DR SEUSS :Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

]ALBERT EINSTEIN :Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

KEVIN RUDD: I am so sorry that he had to cross the road, I apologise on behalf of all Australians.

BRENDAN NELSON: I too am sorry that the chicken crossed the road but don’t expect us to pay for him to get back!

[incisor]

1975 : Long hair
2008 : Longing for hair

1975 : Acid rock
2008 : Acid reflux

1975 : Moving to Chelsea because it's cool
2008 : Moving to Bournemouth because it's warm

1975 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2008 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1975 : Seeds and stems
2008 : Roughage

1975 : Hoping for a new BMW
2008 : Hoping for a new BUM

1975 : Going to a new, hip joint
2008 : Receiving a new hip joint

1975 : Rolling Stones
2008 : Kidney Stones

1975 : Being called into the Headmaster's office
2008: Calling the Headmaster's office

1975 : Screw the system
2008 : Upgrade the system

1975 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2008 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1975 : Passing the drivers' test
2008 : Passing the vision test

1975 : Whatever
2008 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.. Each year the list is updated.

Here's this year's list:

The people starting university this year across the nation were born in 1991.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced four years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable or satellite.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a cluehow to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

[Pedro_The_Swift]

nanoo! nanoo!




mindy was hot though,,,:angel:

[BigJon]

Do you feel old yet?

I am not even old and that made me feel old! :eek:

[Vandermorph]

1975 : Long hair
2008 : Longing for hair

1975 : Acid rock
2008 : Acid reflux

1975 : Moving to Chelsea because it's cool
2008 : Moving to Bournemouth because it's warm

1975 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2008 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1975 : Seeds and stems
2008 : Roughage

1975 : Hoping for a new BMW
2008 : Hoping for a new BUM

1975 : Going to a new, hip joint
2008 : Receiving a new hip joint

1975 : Rolling Stones
2008 : Kidney Stones

1975 : Being called into the Headmaster's office
2008: Calling the Headmaster's office

1975 : Screw the system
2008 : Upgrade the system

1975 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2008 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1975 : Passing the drivers' test
2008 : Passing the vision test

1975 : Whatever
2008 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.. Each year the list is updated.

Here's this year's list:

The people starting university this year across the nation were born in 1991.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced four years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable or satellite.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a cluehow to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?


JR who was that?
And i know who MORK is... It was Robin Williams

[djhampson]

YouTube - Kids Songs Sung By Rock Stars GREAT (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXOh-VEEi6A&eurl=http://www.b3ta.com/links/Welcome_to_the_jungle:2)

[carjunkieanon]

If we're posting Videos..
YouTube - Flight of the Conchords - Business Time (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN0oDnoc3-c)
r

[FenianEel]

Kids Rock - that was hilarious:D

[Disco300Tdi]

Only because it's St Patricks Day...:D



You Gotta Love the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"


Miraculously, a parking place appeared.


Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."









ababab

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"


The man said, "I do, Father."


The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."


Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"


"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.


"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.


Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"


O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."


The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"


O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. ; ; ; ; I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."












ababab

Paddy was in New York .


He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.


He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.


After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"












ababab

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.


"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"


"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"












ababab

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.


He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"


"Just water," says the priest.


The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine ?"


The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"












ababab

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."


"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"


"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.


"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"


She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."












ababab

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.


He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.


Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he co uld on each place he saw blood.& amp; nbsp;


He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.


In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.


She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"


Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"


"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Searover]

Two Pommies are sitting down for a break in their about-to-be-opened
new Store. The stock hasn't arrived, but the shelving is all in place.

One says to the other, 'I bet any minute now some bloody tourist
is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're
selling.'

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Aussie accent
asks, 'What're yer sellin' here mate?'

One of the men replies, 'We're selling assholes here.'

Without missing a beat, the Aussie says, 'Geez, you must have had a
bloody good day, you've only got two left!'

[DeeJay]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful
and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down
next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she used the
ribbon.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day
one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and
innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband
said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst
.. . my wife came home with no panties!
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a note stuck
to her ass that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you !!!

[long stroke]

Did you know why Australian salmon never venture past Brisbane??





Because they might end up in cairns:D

TIM...

[DeeJay]

Jeez it got hot in Melbourne last week..

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2008/03/282.jpg

[dmdigital]

This is to get you into the mood for Easter....
Easter Bunny Competition - See if you can spot the hidden Easter bunny in the attached picture?

[hodgo]

:D A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stops at a farm and begins talking with the old farmer.
He tells the farmer, 'I'm here to inspect your farm.'
The old farmer says, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.'
The Agriculture representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Australian Government with me.
See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!'
The farmer nods politely and goes back to his chores.
Later, the farmer hears loud screams and sees the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind is the farmer's huge prize bull.
The bull is gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep is clearly terrified and clearly not going to make it to the safety of the fence.
The old farmer slowly lays down his tools, walks over to the fence and shouts out.....
'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!'

Hodgo:D

[hodgo]

Subject: Surgery
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret
and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked
you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
and that the first rose was from him:

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery
and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time
ago."

"And what about the third rose ?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you
for his new ears."

[dmdigital]

What do the Titanic and a Land Rover have in common?












They have the same turning circle and are just as waterproof.

;)

[hodgo]

THE McCARTNEY DIVORCE

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul and his wife are settling a
divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false
leg.

Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

Enjoy


News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife
Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over
the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier
briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will
need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a
relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider
going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an
agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have
been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at
night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that
Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for
Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm
f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has
left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

[hodgo]

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

[hodgo]

Just (Gaylepaulolson@Just)in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.












@ PRISON











@ WORK


you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell





@ PRISON


you spend the majority of your time


in an 6X6 cubicle /office





@ WORK


you get three meals a day fully paid for







@ PRISON


you get a break for one meal and


you have to pay for it


@ WORK


you get time off for good behavior





you get more work for


good behavior





@ PRISON


the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you





@ PRISON


@ WORK


you must often carry a security card


and open all the doors for yourself





@ WORK


you can watch TV and play games








@ PRISON


you could get fired for watching


TV and playing games





@ WORK


you get your own toilet








@ PRISON


you have to share the toilet with


some people who pee on the seat





@ WORK


they allow your family and friends to visit









@ PRISON


you aren't even supposed to speak


to your family





@ WORK


all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required









@ PRISON


you get to pay all your expenses to go


to work, and they deduct taxes from


your salary to pay for prisoners





@ WORK


you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out


you spend most of your time wanting


to get out and go inside bars





@ PRISON


you must deal with sadistic wardens


@ WORK


they are called managers








THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!







Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails

























No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 7.5.519 / Virus Database: 269.21.7/1334 - Release Date: 3/18/2008 8:52 PM

[hodgo]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I
had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to
get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a nice view. It had to be
deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your
condoms in your car.

[VladTepes]

That's gold !

[DeeJay]

Words To Live By...













http://au.mg1.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download'mid=1%5f101268%5fAMhEv9EAAQS3R%2fBJFwKEuQ CQosw&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Never **** Off A Guy

That owns A Backhoe!!!!



http://au.mg1.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download'mid=1%5f101268%5fAMhEv9EAAQS3R%2fBJFwKEuQ CQosw&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[rrturboD]

It has long been contended that there are male Jokes and there are
female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I consider a
true female joke.




A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when Steven a tall, Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $20.00......

On one condition"

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her address. She looked deeply into his
eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....




"Clean my house."

[Disco300Tdi]

Women Explained By Engineers


http://img526.imageshack.us/img526/5209/11885162bn4.png (http://imageshack.us)


http://img122.imageshack.us/img122/4771/38526172rc7.png (http://imageshack.us)


http://img526.imageshack.us/img526/4924/52099383vl6.png (http://imageshack.us)


http://img122.imageshack.us/img122/478/womenrs1.png (http://imageshack.us)


http://img122.imageshack.us/img122/2964/50157912op4.png (http://imageshack.us)

[zen300]

The Top Ten "Old West" Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same
After That, Gay Cowboy Movie....

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
11. "cover my back, boy's "12. "get behind me, tonto" 13." ohhh, pancho, ohhh,cisco " 14. "let's ride into town and shoot up the sherrif "

[Ken]

A bloke was driving past a chook farm
and this chook screams past his car doing 75kmh :eek:
stunned the bloke pulls into the chook farm
gets out of the car and goes up to the farmer
gday he says correct me if Im wrong
but I was just overtaken by a chook doing 75kmh
was it one of yours?
yes replied the farmer they are a hybrid four legged chook
four legged chooks replies the stunned passerby
yup says the farmer
what do they taste like says the bloke
Dunno says the farmer havent been able to catch one yet :D :D :D

[hiline]

Larry gets home late onenight and his wife, Linda, says, 'where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I wasout getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned.'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollarbill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were youthinking?' she said, shaking her head in disdain. 'Why on earth would afinancial planner/accountant get a one hundred dollar bill tattooed onhis privates?'

Well, one, I like towatch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of yougoing out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundredbucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering inroom 232 at St Vincents Hospital. :D:D:D

[markyc]

A bloke walks into a hardware store and asks for the biggest, best chainsaw they have.
He comes back the next day, marches up to the counter and says, "This is rubbish! It took me all day to fell one sapling!"
The salesman says, " Surely not sir, let's go out back and try it".
Salesman pulls the starting handle and fires it up when the bloke suddenly says, "What's that noise?"

[markyc]

11. "cover my back, boy's "12. "get behind me, tonto" 13." ohhh, pancho, ohhh,cisco " 14. "let's ride into town and shoot up the sherrif "
15. "Drop em":D

[DeeJay]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2008/04/411.jpg

[VladTepes]

I went to a zoo.
It was rubbish.
All they had was one dog.
It was a schit zu !

[Hucksta]

Q. Whats got two legs and bleeds .....??????

A. Half a dog


Best told around fire with drunk audience

Hucksta

[hiline]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...
Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York .... now this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you?
I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks:



















"Who's speaking?" :D

[Disco_owner]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress
party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days
later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you
will be just right as a Pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his
disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The
long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So
he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with
an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden
Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go
as a toffee apple.....

[p38arover]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-):-(
Well, how about some '****-ICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ****

(__!__) a fat ****

(!) a tight ****

(_*_) a sore ****

{_!_} a swishy ****

(_o_) an **** that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ****

(_X_) leave my **** alone

(_zzz_) a tired ****

(_E=mc 2_) a smart ****

(_$_) Money coming out of his ****

(_?_) Dumb ****

[rrturboD]

Found this on another forum, thought it fitted well here!

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

[4bd1discovery]

New joke



LANDCRUISER

thats what i call a joke mate!!!!!!!!!!

thats magic

[DeeJay]

Husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of Foster’s
beer and sticks them into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only
$30 for 24 cans", he says.

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on
shopping........

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks
it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,



"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF FOSTER’S AND IT'S HALF THE
F***ING PRICE"

[VladTepes]

love it !

[hodgo]

The Scotsman and the Dentist
A Scotsman asks a dentist the cost of a tooth extraction.
'$85 for an extraction, sir', was the dentist's reply.
'$85! Can ye no do it cheaper, lad?'
'That's the normal charge,' said the dentist.
'Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?'
'That's unusual sir, but I could do it and knock off $20'.
'Whit if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot anesthetic?'
'I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it would be very painful. But the price could drop to $40.'
'How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, hae yer student do the extraction wi' the ither students watchin' and learnin'?'
'It'll be good for the students,' mulled the dentist.
'I'll pay you $10. But it could be very traumatic.'
'Ach, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal! Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?'

[isuzutoo-eh]

G'day all,
Have a look at this wiki entry for our preferred marque
Land Rover - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Land_Rover)
The internet is filled with truth and only truth!
Cheers,
Mark

[dmdigital]

G'day all,
Have a look at this wiki entry for our preferred marque
Land Rover - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Land_Rover)
The internet is filled with truth and only truth!
Cheers,
Mark

There's also this: Toyota - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Toyota)

[DeeJay]

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. I’m 69 and after I have sex, I am usually hot and sweaty.' and then, after I have sex with her the second time,I'm usually cold and chilly;
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then
said to her:
'Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you
the first time; and then cold and chilly after the second time.
Do you know why?'
'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is
usually in January, and the second time is in July!

[RonMcGr]

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.


If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to Korea.


If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan,


If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Peru. Thailand and Guatemala,


if we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,


If we purchase useless crap it will go to China and none of it will help the Australian economy.


The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.




Thank you for your help.


Kevin & Wayne

[RonMcGr]

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who often acts like he is a child.

In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how
wonderful I am, but in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word.

He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job about eight years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office.

Since then, he hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair.

He denied it, of course, but everybody knew about it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market.

The house we both want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our current house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
---------------


Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

[rick130]

There's also this: Toyota - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Toyota)

and this is just for Ace.....

V8 Supercar - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/V8_Supercar)

[Pedro_The_Swift]

yep,, thats my take on V8dupercars!:p

[mudmouse]

Q. What goes, 'klippity-klop klippity-klop klippity-klop BANG, klippity-klop klippity-klop klippity-klop BANG, klippity-klop klippity-klop klippity-klop BANG'

















A. An Amish 'drive-by' shooting.

[rick130]

and Landcruisers....


.........(99.9% of landcruisers are owned by poofs anyway)......

Landcruisers have played a cruical part in Australian industry, with Nissan Patrols being employed to tow the broken down Landcruisers from the scene of the Snowy Hydro Electric Scheme (known locally as the "bastards who nicked all my ****n' water, mate"). It also taught us that if a job has to be done, don't buy a landcruiser. There have also been several variants unique to the Australian and South African markets, the hugely popular "Troopie", so named because of the roving bands of angry, armed yobs who ambush unsuspecting motorists in the cities( Mostly [Brisbane]) and off-road, where the car does ****, breaking diffs, cv's and pretty much anything else.



Landcruiser - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Landcruiser)

:lol2:

[hiline]

RETIREMENT BONUS, Navy Style
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
Between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
Of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
Walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
Measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who,
When asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of
My tool to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider;
Explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had
Received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
Providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to'drop 'em,'
Which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
tool and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam.'

[RonMcGr]

Interesting Health Fact

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a shi*ty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your a*se and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

[RonMcGr]

How to tell if you're Taliban


1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 AK-47 and $5,000 rocket l au ncher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your bum with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean'.

5. You can't think of anything you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

6. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

7. You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

8. You're not allowed to look at females but having a crush on your neighbour's goat, and eventually acting upon it, is fine.

[RonMcGr]

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/Mortonmudcrab.mp3

[DeeJay]

The Nicobate Patch

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate
patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put
that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a
day.'

[FenianEel]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, Fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man Replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
Moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken!

[hiline]

Q. Two Frankston girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?


A. Society.


Q. What does a Frankston girl use as protection during sex?


A. A bus shelter.


Q. What do you call a 30 year old Frankston girl?


A. Granny.


Q. Why did the Frankston girl cross the road?


A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.


Q. What do you call a Frankston girl in a white tracksuit?


A. The bride.


Q. What's the first question during an Frankston quiz night?


A. What you looking at?


Q. Two Frankston kids in a car without any music - who is driving?


A. The policeman.


Q. What's the difference between a Frankston boy and an Frankston girl?


A. A Frankston girl has a higher sperm count.


Q. Three Frankston youths drive over a cliff in a Ford. What is wrong?


A. The car seats four.


Q. What's the most confusing day in Frankston?


A. Fathers day


Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Frankston?


A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

[hiline]

TRUE STORIES!!
JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A SHUTTER SPEED SO FAST, THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.

A BOY ASKS HIS GRANNY, "HAVE YOU SEEN MY PILLS, THEY WERE LABELED LSD?" GRANNY REPLIES, "F**K THE PILLS, HAVE YOU SEEN THE DRAGONS IN THE KITCHEN?!"


LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM. DAD RELUCTANTLY AGREES.. NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, "DAD, WHAT'S LOVE JUICE?" DAD LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX.

BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.

DAD SAYS, "SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?"

BILLY SAYS, " WIMBLEDON !"





A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, "I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT."

HE REPLIES, "YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!"





WIFE GETS NAKED & ASKS HUBBY, "WHAT TURNS YOU ON MORE, MY PRETTY FACE OR MY SEXY BODY?"

HUBBY LOOKS HER UP & DOWN AND REPLIES, "YOUR F***IN' SENSE OF HUMOUR!"

[hiline]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!




WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'




UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.




CIGARETTESAND TAMPONS
A manwalks into a pharmacyand wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices himand asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking fora box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him downthe correct aisle.
A few minutes later,he depositsa huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see,it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a cartonof cigarettes, andshe came backwith a tin of tobacco
and somerollingpapers; causeit's sooo-ooo--oo-ooomuch cheaper.
So, I figureif I have to roll my own.......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is theone on themilk carton!)




WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'




WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'




CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't knowhow you can be
so stupid and sobeautiful all atthe same time.
'The wiferesponded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautifulso you would beattracted to me;
God made mestupid so I would beattracted to you!




WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ..'HEBREWS'




The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.




God may have created man before woman, but there is always arough draft before the masterpiece

[hiline]

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrin ks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like..'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

[hiline]

http://www.aulro.com/afvb/cid:001f01c8c089$279296f0$0100000a@hp
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .


'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

[hiline]

>
> > A 45 year old woman, Edna, had a heart attack and was taken to
> the
> > hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death
> > experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No,
> you
> > have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
> >
> > Upon recovery, Edna decided to stay in the hospital and have a
> > face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She
> even had
>
> > someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
> > The full package and since she had so much more time to live, she
> > figured she might as well make the most of it.
> >
> > After her last operation, she was released from the hospital
> but,
> > while crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an
> > ambulance and killed.
> >
> > Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I
> had
> > another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
> > ambulance?"
> >
> > ............................................
> >
> >
> > God replied: "Well f*** me Edna, I didn't recognise you !!"

[hiline]

Celibacy: This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, 'Self Raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of Celibacy.

[hiline]

Childbirth at 65 Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!!
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?

[hiline]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008 man! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

[hiline]

LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hand at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny ! What are you doing ?' Kenny replies, Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse wished him a good and safe trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks , 'Well Kenny, how was your trip ?' Kenny says , I'm exhausted, I just got to Melbourne and I need some rest.' That's great, replied the nurse,' I'm glad you had a safe trip.' The nurses leaves Kenny's room, and goes across the hall into another patients room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating virgorously. In shock she shouts, 'DAVO what are you doing ! ?' To which Davo replies, 'SHHHHH, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne'.

[DeeJay]

New Page 3 (http://vili.us/hypno.html)

[hiline]

:D:D it worked on me

[moose]

Similar idea to this one.
Why Every Guy Should Buy Their Girlfriend Wii Fit (http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=30413)

[moose]

Gordon Ramsay's Omlette

Ingredients:
2 ****ing eggs
Some ****ing salt and pepper
Some ****ing chives
1 ****ing knob of butter

Method:
Heat the ****ing butter in a ****ing omlette pan
Break the ****ing eggs into a ****ing bowl
Whisk the ****ers, add salt and pepper to taste
When the ****ing butter is hot, add the ****ing mixture to the pan
When cooked, take the ****ing thing out and eat the ****er.

[51jay]

DeeJay
According to my antivirus program that link came equipped with a Trojan virus :(

[DeeJay]

DeeJay
According to my antivirus program that link came equipped with a Trojan virus :(

I just visited it again & my nortons says nothing.
It may have an imbedded trojan horse, does anyone visit sites without a suitable virus program??
Reply is also in your General Chat comment.
Cheers,

[hodgo]

A oldfarmer got in his 4X4 and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.




"Is your Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."



"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?



"He went with Mum and Dad."



The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.



"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."



"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."



The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $100 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg!"

[Disco_owner]

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree"..

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe.... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...


Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees


Eees a Ham Bush

[BMKal]

When I first saw this, I was told it was from America. But I'm thinking a bit closer to home - maybe Queensland ....................... :angel::angel::angel:

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give tmyself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

[rovercare]

A tray full of muffins are in an oven being baked, one muffin turns to the other and says, "holy bannana, its hot in here", the other muffin, with a suprised look, say's "holy bannana, a talking muffin":eek:

:D

[abaddonxi]

When I first saw this, I was told it was from America. But I'm thinking a bit closer to home - maybe Queensland ....................... :angel::angel::angel:

<snip>
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. <snip>

Love it, you take in the gear you've pinched and get guns in exchange.

:D:D:D

Cheers
Simon

[RonMcGr]

Got this one by E-mail, thought is was disgusting, but the detailed description made me laugh!!

As I'm away and a Jaguar Drivers club run for three days, I won't hear the "adverse comments" :Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:

**************************

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.



After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:



A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.







"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you slam the lime juice."



So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.



He puts the salt on his tongue... Salty but OK.



He drinks the shot of Baileys...smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.



He thinks...this is OKAAAAAY!



Finally he picks up the lime juice and slams it.



In one second the sharp lime taste hits.



At two seconds the Baileys curdles.



At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.



At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.



This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.



When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Holy ****, what do you call that drink?"



She smiles angelically at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."



*:eek::wasntme::eek::no2::no2::no2:*

[RonMcGr]

Enother jest fur luck :D

*Thought if you had and kiwi friends you might like this regards
*

*
*

*
*

*
*

*
*

*Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4 am
by the telephone.* *
'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour
but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex
fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated the the
entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the
week!!!'

PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from... Brutain?...'*
*
PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'*
*
PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten
unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect
the All Blacks!!' *
*
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She
finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and
gold. With small writing on each one.........*

*
'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM'*

*
Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy*