Jokes

[RANDLOVER]

193893

Do these come in different colours?

[RANDLOVER]

When I was playing footy my nickname was ''Gastro'', I thought it was because I really scared the opposition players, turns out it was because I was terrible at both ends.

[NavyDiver]

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
"Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.
"Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.
"They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?
"Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Don't forget your sweater.'"

[NavyDiver]

Poor old Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £3 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £4 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £4. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £2."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £4."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £3."
Have a good weekend.


This made me recall the last 'cheap' flight I was on!!! It was CHEAP in every way despite taking a lot more money that it advertised for from me and NOT getting me to the place on time[bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

I once got three wishes from a genie in a bottle, now I know you're thinking I must be a billionaire, but I was hungry, thirsty and sitting in a draught.

[NavyDiver]

Bezos' net value is around 240 billion dollars. He's spent 50 million on his wedding. So that's about 1/4800 of his wealth.

The net median value of the average US citizen is around 300,000 dollars. If we extrapolate his expenditure based on the average citizen, he's spent the equivalent of 62.5 dollars on his wedding. What a cheapskate!!
https://hotcopper.com.au/attachments/image-png.7115429/'temp_hash=9cacf87ecc191f6bf7bf94228181d7f2

https://247newsvibes.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/Jeff-Bezos-Lauren-Sanchez-wedding.jpg

Just for fun a before and after PIC of the Bride

https://www.thelist.com/img/gallery/lauren-sanchez-is-unrecognizable-in-throwback-pic-before-plastic-surgery/two-decades-no-wrinkles-and-more-lips-1737744932.webp

A ship not made from steel may be called a Plastic Fantastic by some nasty sailors[bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigwhistle]
https://hotcopper.com.au/attachments/image-png.7115429/'temp_hash=9cacf87ecc191f6bf7bf94228181d7f2

[Tins]

This made me recall the last 'cheap' flight I was on!!! It was CHEAP in every way despite taking a lot more money that it advertised for from me and NOT getting me to the place on time[bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

Let me guess. Named after a big, stripy cat?

[RANDLOVER]

Due to the recent service I've received from his crowd, I'm hoping she soon divorces him and gets the rest of the fortune he didn't spend on the wedding.

[d2dave]

Due to the recent service I've received from his crowd, I'm hoping she soon divorces him and gets the rest of the fortune he didn't spend on the wedding.

If I had 240 Billion and my wife left me and got half I think I would be ok on 120 Bill. That's 183 Bil in Au dollars.

[RANDLOVER]

If I had 240 Billion and my wife left me and got half I think I would be ok on 120 Bill. That's 183 Bil in Au dollars.

You're probably right, I have already missed out on billions...


I once got three wishes from a genie in a bottle, now I know you're thinking I must be a billionaire, but I was hungry, thirsty and sitting in a draught.

[NavyDiver]

194060

[sashadidi]

194070

[scarry]

194070

Same as every LR i have ever bought.........[bigrolf]

Hopefully these days there has been some improvements[smilebigeye]

[RANDLOVER]

A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes but chooses not to.

[V8Ian]

It surely depends how well said gent plays.

[Eevo]

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting ready for bed. The mood was set'dim lights, cozy blankets, and a look in my eyes that said, Oh yeah, it's go time.
But just as things started to heat up, she placed a gentle hand on my chest and said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I blinked. What?! What was that?!
She sighed, as if I was some clueless caveman. "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
I stared at her, baffled. She followed up with a classic: "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
At that moment, I knew'tonight was going to be cold. So, defeated, I rolled over and went to sleep.
But then? inspiration struck.
The next morning, I decided to take the day off and dedicate it entirely to her. We went out to a beautiful, romantic lunch'she was delighted. Then, we hit the biggest department store in town.
She tried on outfit after outfit, each one more expensive than the last. I nodded approvingly, saying, "Oh wow, that looks amazing! Let's just get them all."
Her eyes widened with excitement.
Next, she spotted some high-end shoes.
"But I'd need a pair for each outfit..." she mused.
"Of course, babe! Let's do it!" I grinned.
She practically floated to the jewelry section, eyes sparkling. A stunning pair of diamond earrings caught her attention.
"Those are beautiful!" I said enthusiastically.
Her voice was almost breathless. "Can I get them?"
"Absolutely!"
Then came a tennis bracelet. At this point, I knew she was testing me. But I stayed strong.
"That's fine, honey," I said smoothly.
At this point, I swear she was reaching some kind of retail nirvana. Her face glowed with pure, unfiltered shopping ecstasy.
Finally, with her arms full of designer bags, she turned to me with an adoring smile. "I think this is everything, dear. Let's go to the cashier!"
I took a deep breath, looked into her expectant eyes, and delivered the final blow.
"No, baby, I don't feel like it."
Her face froze. Her jaw dropped.
"WHAT?!"
I shrugged innocently. "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
The color drained from her face. A storm brewed in her eyes.
Then, with impeccable comedic timing, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
The silence that followed was deadly.
That night? Yeah? I slept alone. Again.
But totally worth it.

[Eevo]

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.

[sashadidi]

194148

[Saitch]

194186

[d2dave]

194187

[NavyDiver]

Mark Simmons last year: "I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship but I bottled it."

Lorna Rose Treen in 2023: "I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah."

Masai Graham in 2022: "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

Masai Graham in 2021: "I thought the word Caesarean began with the letter S but when I looked in the dictionary, it was in the C section."

Olaf Falafel in 2019: "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets."

Adam Rowe in 2018: "Working at the job centre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

Ken Cheng in 2017: "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."

Masai Graham in 2016: "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart."

Darren Walsh in 2015: "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.

"Tim Vine in 2014: "I've decided to sell my Hoover - well, it was just collecting dust."

[RANDLOVER]

I think I bought a fake Xerox, as I suspect it's just a copy machine.

[NavyDiver]

I was invited to my friend's Wedding. My response was not appreciated; I have been abused by the couple and several of the bridal party now!

All I said was "Maybe Next Time"

[Eevo]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[sashadidi]

194253

[RANDLOVER]

The previous post is funny because it's true, I have seen guys talking or scrolling on their phone while at the urinal.

[V8Ian]

The previous post is funny because it's true, I have seen guys talking or scrolling on their phone while at the urinal.
I hope they weren't video calls. [biggrin]

[Saitch]

I hope they weren't video calls. [biggrin]

Hands free.

[Tins]

194295

[d2dave]

194295

That was an add for Repco 10 plus years ago. From memory it was for tools. Bloke rips car apart(not to the extent in above pic) looking for rattle.

Turns out to be something in ashtray.

[sharmy]

Gee Dave, when I saw your name on the joke section I thought you were going to repeat your post about buying a Jeep.[bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

"....Indeed it has been said democracy is the worst form.of Government except for all those other forms that have been tried from time to time...." Winston Churchill

[Tins]

"....Indeed it has been said democracy is the worst form.of Government except for all those other forms that have been tried from time to time...." Winston Churchill

While it is difficult to disagree with Winston on this, I'd like to see a list of countries that actually practise TRUE democracy.

[sharmy]

While it is difficult to disagree with Winston on this, I'd like to see a list of countries that actually practise TRUE democracy.
Well it is the joke section so USA.

[RANDLOVER]

Well it is the joke section so USA.

I'll add any country with "People's Republic" in the name.

[sharmy]

A Kiwi living with his mates at Bondi Beach goes into the dole office to collect his money. He says to the bloke behind the counter " I don't like being on the dole, I really want to work so I can pay my way and pay taxes." Well said the bloke " I have a job you might be interested in. A local millionaire is looking for a driver to drive his 17 year daughter around in his Rolls Royce. She is stunningly beautiful and is a nymphomaniac so you will have to have sex with her many times a day. It pays $100,000 a year" Wow, says the Kiwi you got to be joking. " Well you started it."

[RANDLOVER]

True story. I was waiting for some security guards to do something, I forget what, they'd been talking a while when one said "You know a lot of Kiwi slang. Did you learn that in New Zealand?" and the other said, "No in the dole queue".

[gofish]

I asked a Kiwi mate how many lovers he'd had. He started counting but fell asleep [bighmmm]

[sashadidi]

194324

[Eevo]

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

[sashadidi]

True story. I was waiting for some security guards to do something, I forget what, they'd been talking a while when one said "You know a lot of Kiwi slang. Did you learn that in New Zealand?" and the other said, "No in the dole queue".

Why do so many Aussies visit England?

Criminals always return to the scene of the crime

[sashadidi]

An Aussie walks into the bar the other night wearing one thong (flip flop). One patron asks him "What happened mate? Did you lose a thong?" the guy replies, "Nah mate, I found one!".

[sashadidi]

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the Wallabies rugby team?
A: Cinderella actually made it to the ball

[NavyDiver]

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because we won't stop to ask for directions.

[bigrolf]

[gofish]

A guy goes to the doctor & asks for a three day supply of viagra. Why asks the doctor ? He replies, an ex-girlfriend is coming over Friday night. On Saturday night I'm catching up with her sister & on Sunday I've got this Tinder date. Well, said the doctor, seing as this is an unusual special occasion I will write the script, but you must come & see me on Monday just to ensure that there are no adverse side effects. He agrees & come Monday morning he is back at the doctors, but with his arm in a sling. What happened to you asks the doctor. The guy replies.........no one showed up [happycry]

[Eevo]

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[d2dave]

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because we won't stop to ask for directions.

[bigrolf]

This should be "why does it take 100 million male sperm"

[d2dave]

A BMW askes a VW beetle "Why are your eyes out of your body?

Beetle replies, "Let them put the engine in your ass and see what happens to your eyes".

[gofish]

Little Johny is out walking with his father one day when they come upon two dogs being intimate. Johny asks his father what they are doing. They're making puppies, he replies. A few days go by and one night Johny has a bad dream and rushes down to his parents bedroom as he is scared. He opens there door only to see his dad on top of his mum. What are you doing he asks. We're making babies says his father to which Johny replies........................................... ..............can you flip her over, I want a puppy [bigwhistle]

[RANDLOVER]

I went to my favourite Mexican restaurant and had the "soup of the day" which is Tequila.

[Tins]

I went to my favourite Mexican restaurant and had the "soup of the day" which is Tequila.

They never put enough worms in it locally.

[NavyDiver]

They never put enough worms in it locally.
You just gave me a HUGE case of shivers JT[biggrin]

In Los Angeles for several days on my ship. Universal studios, The Beach, Stars and more. A quick trip with a carload of sailors to Mexico was great fun, Tacos and a little Tequila. ONE of my crew drank a little too much Tequila. The Tourist Trap got him. In his stupor he thought several hundred tiny shot sized bottles all with a WORM and the cheapest nastiest Tequila you could imagine was a fantastic idea!

I was shot gun not driving with three passed out crew in the back. At the US boarder gong back to LA the board types said we cannot take more than 10 of the shot sized bottles all with a WORM and the cheapest nastiest Tequila.

Rousing the three drunks in the back one of whom was upset at the thought of putting all that "shot sized bottles all with a WORM and the cheapest nastiest Tequila" in the bin!

The board types suggested we pull over to a waiting area and drink them!!!! The Driver was his best mate and agreed yet he couldn't as he was driving. He delegated that to me!!!



The three in the back were VERY enthusiastic. That all passed out after a few and this black duck was left to drink a lot of little bottles filled with too MANY horrible little worms pickled in ****e Tequila.

The last time I will EVER drink a WORM [bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because we won't stop to ask for directions.

[bigrolf] or killer sperm

[sashadidi]

194516

[BradC]

194539

[ChookD2]

194539


There are so many people now that just would not know.

[BradC]

There are so many people now that just would not know.

Uneducated swines!

[RANDLOVER]

Wile E Coyote liked to think that he was a genius, but he was let down by those Acme products.

[Saitch]

194542

[V8Ian]

194542
Changing is a black art, especially the dogleg shift.

[RANDLOVER]

Watch out for those gear teeth.

[RANDLOVER]

I think you could shift that with a stick.

[Tins]

I’m sure there’s a tail to be told there. Is the car a waggin?

[RANDLOVER]

Must be driving the owner barking mad.

[Tins]

Probably got him licked as well.

I wasn’t going to assume gender but, well….

[RANDLOVER]

I think that is a "Rover" product.

[V8Ian]

I think that is a "Rover" product.
Genuine option?

[Saitch]

Genuine option?

Nah. Flea market special.

[RANDLOVER]

It's a mongrel to drive and has to be gently shepherded to its destination.

[V8Ian]

It's a mongrel to drive and has to be gently shepherded to its destination.
Then securely chained.

[cuppabillytea]

It would seem that no-one here has heard of a dog clutch.

[RANDLOVER]

Then securely chained.

Especially if you're not sure you've put in in "park"or "stay" mode correctly.

[d2dave]

Jeez, we certainly are a witty lot on this topic.

[V8Ian]

Jeez, we certainly are a witty lot on this topic.
We're all hot dogs.

[RANDLOVER]

Jeez, we certainly are a witty lot on this topic.

No need to snap.

[gofish]

A vegan & a vegatarian jump off a cliff. Who wins ? ..........society[bighmmm]

[RANDLOVER]

When visiting Greece one must try a Plato food.

[sashadidi]

194568

[sashadidi]

194569

[RANDLOVER]

I was on a blind date and she said "Wow, you are so tall and handsome. How are you still single?" and I said "You'll see".

[RANDLOVER]

My doctor says extreme cannabis use has two serious side effects, one is memory loss and the other is memory loss.

[RANDLOVER]

"The trouble with internet quotes is you can't be sure if they are true." Abraham Lincoln

[RANDLOVER]

How do people trace their ancestors on the internet when they didn't even have computers hundreds of years ago?

[RANDLOVER]

"Red sky at night shepherd's delight" means it will be a full moon so they'll be able to choose a suitable sheep to take to their sleeping area.

[sashadidi]

"Red sky at night shepherd's delight" means it will be a full moon so they'll be able to choose a suitable sheep to take to their sleeping area.

Yep sounds Australian...[bigwhistle]

[Tins]

Nobody I know...[bigwhistle]

194615

[RANDLOVER]

My brother and I inherited a collection of tins of paints in all the colours of our previous houses from our father, they were unusable as rusted, dried out or discoloured.

However I have started my own paint tin collection to pass on, I really do think that we turn into our parents.

[p38arover]

Yep sounds Australian...[bigwhistle]

More Kiwi.

[p38arover]

Nobody I know...[bigwhistle]

194615

That's what was supposed to happen but he predeceased me!

[Tins]

That's what was supposed to happen but he predeceased me!

Yes[bigsad]

My son doesn't want anything of mine, except maybe my tools, but he's got more of those than I have. I'll just call it SEP..... Somebody Else's Problem.

[RANDLOVER]

I hear the new US administration is renaming the half marathon the "fake marathon".

[NavyDiver]

I hear the new US administration is renaming the half marathon the "fake marathon".
A Marathon is exactly 42.2km or 26 miles. 45Km is an ultra as is 99km [bigrolf] I love the short runs and the names of course. Back to real jokes[biggrin]


One day, a sailor met a pirate. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. The sailor asked the pirate,
“How did you get your peg leg?” The pirate replied, “Aargh, a whale bit me leg off.”

Next, the sailor asked, “How did you get your hook?” The pirate replied, “Me crew was in a battle with an enemy ship when me arm was chopped off.”

Finally, “the sailor asked, “How did you get your eyepatch?” The pirate said, “Aye, a seagull pooped in me eye.”The sailor asked, “You lost your eye to bird poop?” The pirate replied, “It was me first day with the hook.

[RANDLOVER]

I've been reading a book on anti-gravity and I just can't put it down.

[RANDLOVER]

To succeed at Rugby one has to try and try again.

[austastar]

One needs leather balls, I gather.
Just think how many more goals they could get with a bit of cooperation..
Cheers

[RANDLOVER]

I think introducing the ball into Rugby slowed the game down.

[RANDLOVER]

How does a Greek guy ask his wife to reconcile, possibly with a sweet treat?

"Take me baklava"

[Saitch]

194756

[RANDLOVER]

Teacher: How old is your father?
Student: 6 years old.
Teacher: How is that possible?
Student: Well he only became a father when I was born.

[RANDLOVER]

Patient:"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a kleptomaniac."
Doctor:"You should take something for that."

[sashadidi]

194981

[NavyDiver]

Excuse if this is already posted


An elderly lady named Maud related a sad story of how she lost her husband.“Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know to save my Norman’s life. Tragically, I’ve never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye. I’ll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me,

- “Be positive, be positive!”

-That’s my Norman! Always thinking of others.”

[Tins]

Excuse if this is already posted




-That’s my Norman! Always thinking of others.”

Norman? Surely she means Harold. (https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0067185/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0_tt_5_nm_3_in_0_q_harold%2520a)

[NavyDiver]

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

[NavyDiver]

"Mitchell Starc recorded career-best figures for the second straight Test match, as England was dismissed for just 172 in the first innings of the first Ashes Test.
Starc finished with figures of 7-58 off 12.5 overs, taking the wickets of Zac Crawley, Ben Duckett, Joe Root, Ben Stokes, Jamie Smith, Gus Atkinson and Mark Wood"[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

195033[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[scarry]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...

[NavyDiver]

Three elderly women are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a man in a trench coat runs up to them and flashes them.
The first old lady had a stroke.The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady couldn't reach.


2nd


A man calls home from his office and tells his wife, "Honey, pack my bags. I’m going fishing with the boss for a week. It’s a huge opportunity for my promotion, so I can't miss it. Oh, and please make sure you pack my blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this is a little strange, but she packs his bags.
A week later, the husband returns. The wife welcomes him home and asks, "Did you have a good time, dear?"

"It was fantastic," he says. "We caught a lot of fish. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
The wife smiles sweetly and says, "No, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

[NavyDiver]

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. Throughout the ride, the driver can’t take his eyes off the rearview mirror, constantly staring at her.

Eventually, she gets annoyed and says, "What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The driver replies, "I'm not staring at you, lady. I'm just looking at the meter and wondering where the hell you keep your money."

[V8Ian]

195092

195093

[NavyDiver]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken-down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."


He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador Retriever sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jet-setting really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is absolutely amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner says.
"Ten dollars?!!" The guy says. "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that."


Snake BITE death

Bob and Earl, are out deep in the woods on a hunting trip. Suddenly, Bob feels the urge to relieve himself, so he steps behind a large oak tree.
A moment later, a scream echoes through the forest. Earl runs over and finds Bob hopping around in agony with his pants down. A rattlesnake has bitten him right on his... sensitive area.
Bob is panicking. "Earl! You gotta help me! Call the doctor!"
Earl grabs his satellite phone and frantically dials a doctor. "Doc! My friend just got bit by a rattlesnake on his penis! What do I do?"
The doctor says, "Calm down. It's critical that you extract the venom immediately. You have to lean in, put your mouth over the wound, and suck the poison out. If you do that right now, he’ll make a full recovery. If you don't, he'll be dead in ten minutes."
Earl hangs up the phone slowly.

Bob is sweating bullets, his face pale. "Well? What did the doctor say??"


Earl looks Bob in the eye and says, "He says you’re gonna die."

[sharmy]

195092

195093
Well, the thread does say Jokes. It didn't specify GOOD jokes. [biggrin]

[RANDLOVER]

I've been hitting all my KPI's at work lately with a 100% strike rate of Keeping People Irritated.

[Tins]

Might be old, but still very pertinent. Summer? What's that?

195174

[RANDLOVER]

You just can't compliment people anymore. I was at a team building exercise and they said I should say something nice about my colleague, so I said "I think he would be a very enthusiastic lover".

[RANDLOVER]

Meanderthals are a race of primitive people that can still be found wandering around Europe today.

[Tins]

Meanderthals are a race of primitive people that can still be found wandering around Europe today.

Quite a few round Collingwood as well, I've noticed.

[V8Ian]

195225

[Tins]

DEI at its most extreme. Perhaps.

[Saitch]

All week I've had this recurring dream of being a horse.

That's seven nights, on the trot!

[NavyDiver]

All week I've had this recurring dream of being a horse.

That's seven nights, on the trot!

195229

Snails or Escargot are my FAV Vietnamese pastry. They are called "Pain aux raisins" in the UK. The best of them are good enough to die for. [biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[Tins]

All week I've had this recurring dream of being a horse.

That's seven nights, on the trot!

Sigh. Groan. Really Steve???

[Tins]

195229

Snails or Escargot are my FAV Vietnamese pastry. They are called "Pain aux raisins" in the UK. The best of them are good enough to die for. [biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

There is a question people ask “Who was the first man to eat an oyster?” I don’t care, what I want to know is “Why?” Yuck.

[V8Ian]

There is a question people ask “Who was the first man to eat an oyster?” I don’t care, what I want to know is “Why?” Yuck.
Aphrodisiac. I had a dozen on the weekend, only eleven worked. [bigsad]

[Saitch]

There is a question people ask “Who was the first man to eat an oyster?” I don’t care, what I want to know is “Why?” Yuck.
Fair go, JT! Oysters are one of 'God's Gifts ' to the palate!

195230

[NavyDiver]

Fair go, JT! Oysters are one of 'God's Gifts ' to the palate!

195230

"Ostrea angasi" Two years V one year for the others. Seriously good for those with taste buds above the sugar hit some have [biggrin] Just kidding JT. Lovers love and haters hate is a song some might know [bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

If you see them try them. Port Arlington mussels grow and sell them- The joke maybe I may be able to pick them up for free[thumbsupbig]

If not a tour including

"A curated menu of Port Phillip Bay & Bellarine seafoods such as:MUSSELS, ANGASI OYSTERS, SCALLOPS, ABALONE, CURED SALMON
Tasting platters featuring Bellarine produce
Mussel cooking demonstrations
Cheese Platters & Dessert
[B]SIP
Ocean Aged Vintage Cuvee ~ cellared under water at our mussel farms
Premium Bellarine wines and beers
Bellarine Distillery Gin cocktail

Lavazza Barista Coffee / Tea"
Deluxe Seafood Tour - Portarlington Mussel Tours (https://www.portarlingtonmusseltours.com.au/product/deluxe-seafood-tour/)

Not a joke perhaps but YUM!!!

[Tins]

Fair go, JT! Oysters are one of 'God's Gifts ' to the palate!

195230

I'd prefer to see them on a pallet.

In a dumpmaster.

[Tins]

Seriously good for those with taste buds above the sugar hit some have

Sugar plays no part in my diet, James, but neither does slimy seawater. If they're so good why do people swallow them whole? To get the bloody things out of their mouths, that's why.

Had my first oyster in 1975. It was also my last.

[Saitch]

"A curated menu of Port Phillip Bay & Bellarine seafoods such as:MUSSELS, ANGASI OYSTERS, SCALLOPS, ABALONE, CURED SALMON
Tasting platters featuring Bellarine produce
Mussel cooking demonstrations
Cheese Platters & Dessert
SIP
Ocean Aged Vintage Cuvee ~ cellared under water at our mussel farms
Premium Bellarine wines and beers
Bellarine Distillery Gin cocktail



Stop it, ND! Just stop it! [happycry][happycry][happycry]

[Saitch]

Sugar plays no part in my diet, James, but neither does slimy seawater. If they're so good why do people swallow them whole? To get the bloody things out of their mouths, that's why.

Had my first oyster in 1975. It was also my last.

I have no idea why some people swallow them whole. One must chew an oyster, to release the true flavour.

[Tins]

I have no idea why some people swallow them whole.

I do. When starvation is the only alternative, I might have a go.

[Saitch]

Sigh. Groan. Really Steve???

Vide post #9361.[wink11]

[Tins]

Aphrodisiac. I had a dozen on the weekend, only eleven worked. [bigsad]

Nanny Ogg, one of the witches in Terry Pratchett's loony Discworld, had a recipe for 'carrot and oyster pie'. Carrots so you can see in the dark, and oysters so you'll have something to look at.

Personally I never needed them.

[Tins]

Vide post #9361.[wink11]

Sorry. I forgot.

[NavyDiver]

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1st October 2008
RE: Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.


There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!


The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.


Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2nd October 2008
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.


However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.


Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.


Pauline.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th October 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous any more!!!! How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody?


Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



Pauline.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th October 2008
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!


Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party ? or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?


Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.


Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's
table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.


We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food
will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.


There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8th October 2008
RE: The F******* Holiday Party.

Vegetarian, I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your damm salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!


I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9th October 2008
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John

[RANDLOVER]

My wife said all the time I spend practicing my golf game was affecting our marriage and the only way to improve things was to go to couples therapy, so I'm taking my caddy on Monday.

[scarry]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I h...ave cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

[RANDLOVER]

Extremist practioners of Tai Chi are known as Chihadists.

[Saitch]

Question: "In what year did England send their best cricketers to Australia?"





Answer: "1788".

[Tins]

Stole this from the FB group:


195301

[RANDLOVER]

Peri-pericarditis is the heartburn felt after eating spicy chicken.

[RANDLOVER]

A little-known fact is Paddington Bear has a cousin who prefers desserts to marmalade named Puddington.

[Redback]

I bought a Toyota, I know funny EH, but 4 times:Thump:[wink11]

[RANDLOVER]

The TV show "Who wants to be a millionaire?" has a millionaire in every episode, unfortunately for most contestants it is the host.

[Tins]

"Who wants to be a millionaire?"

Eddie McGuire, obviously. Well, more of one.

[NavyDiver]

I run every day for 20 mins & if I miss a day I add 20 min to the next day. This has truly been a game changer!
Tomorrow , I'm supposed to run for 4 months.




You know that wasn't me of course [bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

An Other joke- A ex army ex rangrover, shot once or twice and more Truck driving instructor gent gave me a HR license today - Are you afraid? [bigrolf][bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

Agoraphobia is the fear of open spaces, not to be confused with Angoraphobia which is an irrational fear of cashmere.

[Tins]

Agoraphobia is the fear of open spaces, not to be confused with Angoraphobia which is an irrational fear of cashmere.


I am confused. I thought that was a perfectly rational fear of camels.

Oh wait, of course, that's Alpacaphobia.

[d2dave]

Q. Why do the French eat snails?

A. Because they don't like fast food.

[ChookD2]

The company that make yard sticks, won't be making them any longer.

[sashadidi]

195533

[sashadidi]

195534

[V8Ian]

https://youtu.be/l-w-mWhIWEM?si=HmVRtt-uU4ev9A2C

[scarry]

https://www1.picturepush.com/photo/a/16867475/640/16867475.jpg (https://picturepush.com/public/16867475)

[Slunnie]

What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A Barbecue

[NavyDiver]

A man is out fishing on a quiet Sunday morning when he sees a funeral procession passing over the bridge nearby. He stops, stands up, takes off his hat, and bows his head in a moment of silence until the last car passes.


Another fisherman nearby is impressed. "Wow," he says. "That was a really moving gesture. You must be a very sensitive and honorable man."


The first guy shrugs and puts his hat back on. "Well," he says, "it’s the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years."

[sashadidi]

Me: what do you want for Valentines Day?
Her: give me a ring that’s enough
Me: Ok From a landline or mobile?

[RANDLOVER]

You know that you have been married for too long when you notice a mole on your spouse's back has changed and you decide not to tell them.

[sashadidi]

cyber truck

there one was a cybertruck#tesla #cybertruck - YouTube (https://youtube.com/shorts/QwamWY3fq4w?si=KLJb7CeDl5QX_Nhn)

[RANDLOVER]

Area 51 is a government plot to hide what is really going on out there which is Area 52.

[NavyDiver]

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler.

After a while, the handler received a letter in the mail.

It told her the spy had been compromised, but, before his capture, he'd snuck out some very important government secrets. He'd used the world's smallest memory card to contain them and passed them to an ally.

The ally could not come to the handler directly, as he'd be killed, but he worked at an orchard. Because the memory card was so tiny, he was able to hide it in a berry still growing on one of the cherry trees, hanging on the lowest branch of the third tree in the orchard.

Sceptical, but not knowing what else to do, the handler found the orchard and snuck in in the middle of the night. She pulled down all the berries on the lowest branch of the third tree and took them back to headquarters. When she sliced each berry open, she found one of them really did contain the memory card.

She read the information on the memory card and learned the foreign country planned to attack America in ten days. Frantic, she raced to the Secretary of War and presented to him the information that the spy had died to deliver to her, begging him to rally America's defences against the foreign threat as quickly as possible.

The defence secretary refused to do anything.

"Why?" She demanded. "We don't work with cherry-picked data," he replied.

[RANDLOVER]

I don't know much about the new Lib leader Angus Taylor, but I'm guessing his favourite letter of the alphabet is ''G''.

[NavyDiver]

2 blokes sitting on the banks of a river in the NT just dangling their feet in the water.
One screamed in agony and said that a crocodile has just bitten off one of his feet!
The other bloke said "which one?"
The first bloke said " I don't know, those crocodiles all look the same"

[RANDLOVER]

I hear Greenland is making their own MAGA hats, "Make American Go Away".

[sashadidi]

195816

[sashadidi]

195817

[RANDLOVER]

My doctor said I have a magnesium deficiency, in that I have none I was shocked and my immediate thought was "0Mg!"

[Saitch]

195850

[RANDLOVER]

My doctor said I should get more oil into my diet from seeds and nuts, so I have started eating doughnuts.

[V8Ian]

Navy Diver, one for aunty.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?



A Roman Catholic.

[sharmy]

In England a few years back this young bloke started going out with this girl from a very wealthy old family. After things started to get serious he was invited to the family mansion to have dinner and meet the parents. They were all seated around this massive dining table, in a massive dining room with a fire burning away in the beautiful fireplace. He was seated next to her father, a large impressive man with a great handlebar mistouch and a booming voice. After a while, to his horror, he needed to fart badly, that's when he noticed a very large, very old Labrador dog on the floor between him and the old man. He thought " if I can squeeze out a quiet one he may think it's the dog." He let out a long quiet, smelly one. The old man sniffed and bellowed " Rover get out of here." Good, he thought, it worked and let out another one then another with the old man bellowing each time. Eventually the old man roared "Rover will you get out of here before that man ****s on you."

[RANDLOVER]

My wife said she wanted to go somewhere expensive for dinner, so I took her to the local servo. [bigrolf]

[scarry]

My wife said she wanted to go somewhere expensive for dinner, so I took her to the local servo. [bigrolf]


I did that twice yesterday for fuel,different vehicles,185L total.
That should last for about 3 days depending[bigrolf]

No money left for food.[biggrin]

[NavyDiver]

Today in the Strait of Hormuz, a ship carrying red paint was hit by a drone, and crashed into a freighter carrying purple paint



It was reported that the crews of both ships were marooned, awaiting rescue.

[Saitch]

Today in the Strait of Hormuz, a ship carrying red paint was hit by a drone, and crashed into a freighter carrying purple paint





It was reported that the crews of both ships were marooned, awaiting rescue.




:no2::no2::no2:[biggrin]

[sashadidi]

I remember all those Chuck Norris jokes about how indestructible he was so this seem fitting.
195987

[d2dave]

He actually died 30 years ago. It took God this long to work up the courage to take him.

[Saitch]

195989

[RANDLOVER]

There have been a lot more sightings of Bigfoot lately as he was hiding from Chuck Norris.

[NavyDiver]

195990

[NavyDiver]

195991

[NavyDiver]

Went to the pub, Beer after beer with lots of cheer. Staggered home at 3 am signing as I stumbled with a big contented smile on my dial.

My wife had an empty tea pot on the table. The tea strainer was almost full. The empty teacup told the story. She was ravid, shouting and shoving in a rage!

Be warned Tea is clearly dangerous! [biggrin]

[sashadidi]

Mods, if too risqué please delete



196016

[sashadidi]

196017

[sashadidi]

196018

[NavyDiver]

A lion would never drive under the influence, but a Tiger Wood.

[scarry]

A lion would never drive under the influence, but a Tiger Wood.

That Tiger has been a star in the media a few times for the same reason,over the years.