Jokes

[austastar]

Only half right!

[RANDLOVER]

I used to live on a house boat and I started dating the girl next door, but we drifted apart.

[rick130]

I used to live on a house boat and I started dating the girl next door, but we drifted apart.Was she a little Stern? [emoji56]

[350RRC]

Blunt?

[bob10]

From WESTPRINT Friday 5, one for seniors.

COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS
Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
Style are the clothes that still fit.
You don't need anger management. You need people to stop annoying you.
Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
The biggest lie you tell yourself is, I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.
On time is when you get there.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
Lately, you've noticed people your age look so much older than you.
Growing old should have taken longer.
Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.

[4bee]

I used to live on a house boat and I started dating the girl next door, but we drifted apart.


[bigrolf][bigrolf][bighmmm][biggrin]

[4bee]

I used to live on a house boat and I started dating the girl next door, but we drifted apart.


Sounds like she tide you in knots.

[Saitch]

Am I mizzen something here?

[Tins]

I used to live on a house boat and I started dating the girl next door, but we drifted apart.

So, you didn't get spliced? Not even a good docking?

[4bee]

So, you didn't get spliced? Not even a good docking?


Doubt it, as she told him to get Knotted.

[windsock]

From WESTPRINT Friday 5, one for seniors.

COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS


Forwarded these as a text to my old mum this morning. Just caught up with her reply and they had her laughing out loud she reckoned. She was off this afternoon with an old friend, both to visit another old mate in the hospital and she was looking forward to reading them out to her, and the rest of the ward too no doubt... [thumbsupbig]

[4bee]

[QUOTE=windsock;3124238]Forwarded these as a text to my old mum this morning. Just caught up with her reply and they had her laughing out loud she reckoned. She was off this afternoon with an old friend, both to visit another old mate in the hospital and she was looking forward to reading them out to her, and the rest of the ward too no doubt... [thumbsupbig][/QUOTE

One trusts they are not the possible cause of her premature passing.
[biggrin]

[windsock]

One trusts the are not the possible cause of her premature passing.
[biggrin]

If I get to go out laughing I would be happy enough... I guess... [thumbsupbig]

[4bee]

If I get to go out laughing I would be happy enough... [thumbsupbig]


But I bet you don't chuck a U turn, come back & say to the gathered throng "Jeez, hows that for a coincidence?"


My Farewell Tune would hopefully by one by Kylie Minogue "I should be so Lucky".

I Should Be So Lucky - Kylie Minogue (Lyrics) - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBh4eExwKwU)

[bob10]

Forwarded these as a text to my old mum this morning. Just caught up with her reply and they had her laughing out loud she reckoned. She was off this afternoon with an old friend, both to visit another old mate in the hospital and she was looking forward to reading them out to her, and the rest of the ward too no doubt... [thumbsupbig]

If it puts a smile on your mums face, and her friends, that's made my day. Now I'm smiling. [smilebigeye]

[Tins]

Mum, in her late 90s at the time, told me this one ( puts faith in the swear filter ). Hoe do you get 49 old ladies to say ****? Get the fiftieth one to say BINGO!.

[sashadidi]

175628

[Tins]

Who are you calling a клоун?

[V8Ian]

I wish you clowns would stop typing in tongues. [tonguewink]

[4bee]

I wish you clowns would stop typing in tongues. [tonguewink]

I have to, my keyboard has run out of Ink.

[biggrin]

[gavinwibrow]

Humour

An Actual Sign at a Scottish Golf Club

1. Back Straight, knees bent, feet a shoulder width apart
2. Form a loose grip
3. Keep your head down
4. Avoid a quick back swing
5. Stay out of the water
6. Try not to hit anyone
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others
9. Quiet please… while others are preparing
10. Don’t take extra strokes


Well done… now flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off.



A woman walks into a chemist shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
“What do you want to do with the arsenic?” the pharmacist asks.
“I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman,” the woman replies.
“I can't sell you arsenic to kill your husband, even if he is having sex with another woman,” the pharmacist says.
The woman reaches into her pocket and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says, “Oh I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realise that you had a prescription.”



One day while going to the shop, I passed a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the lawn. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me. I went inside to talk to the village Administrator, and asked her, “Do you know there are six old ladies lying naked on your front lawn?” “Yes” she said, “Aren't they darlings, they’re retired prostitutes, and they’re having a garage sale.”

Climate Change.
The Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, “is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?’ The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”.
So, the elder went back to his tribe and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ The meteorologist again replied, 'Yep, it's going to be a very cold winter.’
The elder went back to his tribe and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. Hey, 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? 'Absolutely,' the guy replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.’

[sashadidi]

Who are you calling a клоун?

lol, Clown? ,its a saying in its entirety that can allude to weird or say foolish or similar types of behaviour or when engaging with others..

[NavyDiver]

https://relidicous.files.wordpress.com/2018/12/frankenstein.jpg

[sashadidi]

my cake

[V8Ian]

Sash, you're getting as brave/suicidal as Spud, or are we Aussies more chicken/sensible? [wink11]

[cuppabillytea]

I'm not.

[3toes]

Know how he feels. I was pulled over on the morning of the wedding to make sure was not leaving town

[4bee]

my cake


Is that a real Sasha Torte?[bigrolf] BTW, pardon my speeeelink but Sacher would not have looked quite in keeping but you get my drift. B.

[4bee]

I'm not.

An Aussie? [bigrolf]

[4bee]

https://relidicous.files.wordpress.com/2018/12/frankenstein.jpg


The bloke in the Pale Blue nightie needs to blow the sand out of his ears 'cos his hearing is upta..[bigrolf]

[4bee]

lol, Clown? ,its a saying in its entirety that can allude to weird or say foolish or similar types of behaviour or when engaging with others..

So, it is pertinent to AULRO then?[biggrin]

[sashadidi]

Sash, you're getting as brave/suicidal as Spud, or are we Aussies more chicken/sensible? [wink11]
chicken[smilebigeye]

[Tins]

chicken[smilebigeye]

Or drongo, perhaps?

[RANDLOVER]

Q. What goes clip, clop, bang, bang, clip, clop?


A. An Amish drive-by shooting!

[sashadidi]

175740

[Tins]

175740

Ahh, the logical approach....

[sashadidi]

175743

[sashadidi]

175764

[4bee]

175764



That is so sick but I suppose there re some weirdos out there.[bigsad]

[Saitch]

Merry Christmas, to all.

https://youtu.be/UdH6vAAqvuQ

[V8Ian]

You're all class, Steve. [bigrolf]

[cuppabillytea]

That is so sick but I suppose there re some weirdos out there.[bigsad]
You wouldn't want to be paying her cabbage bill, but some blokes see copping a whiff as a form of intimacy. As you suggest, weird.[bighmmm]

[4bee]

You wouldn't want to be paying her cabbage bill, but some blokes see copping a whiff as a form of intimacy. As you suggest, weird.[bighmmm]



You mean Foreplay? [bigrolf]

[cuppabillytea]

You mean Foreplay? [bigrolf]
More an overture.

[4bee]

More an overture.


or, The Orchestra tuning up, perchance? [bigrolf]

[Saitch]

or, The Orchestra tuning up, perchance? [bigrolf]

Brass or woodwind?

[cuppabillytea]

Brass or woodwind?
Which ever fits the rhyme.

[Tins]

Which ever fits the rhyme.

Strewth! Do the jars rhyme? Whatever will they think of next?

[4bee]

Brass or woodwind?


I would suspect a bit of both,, but I can't wait to see what she would do for a finale. Probably **** her breeks.

[cripesamighty]

Can't be any worse than Gwyneth Paltrow selling candles that smell like her nether regions for $75 each...

[4bee]

Can't be any worse than Gwyneth Paltrow selling candles that smell like her nether regions for $75 each...



That's not right. It could be anyone's Nethers.[bigrolf] Does a Certificate of Authenticity come with it & who has signed off on it after inspecting the goods?[bighmmm]

[Tins]

Can't be any worse than Gwyneth Paltrow selling candles that smell like her nether regions for $75 each...

Now there's an image that'll be hard to let go of.

[4bee]

Now there's an image that'll be hard to let go of.


Well she was brought up in Elizabethan times [bighmmm] & I guess that is all they could afford then..

[4bee]

Now there's an image that'll be hard to let go of.


Just try ok, just try harder. [bigrolf]

[Gav 110]

Now there's an image that'll be hard to let go of.

Hard to let go of?
Or you don’t want to let go of it?[emoji848]

[sashadidi]

175768

[cuppabillytea]

Strewth! Do the jars rhyme? Whatever will they think of next?
Well Jars wasn't an option but yes eg: Jars in bars. bar jars similar to the one possessed by Hue Jars etc.

[cripesamighty]

That's not right. It could be anyone's Nethers.[bigrolf] Does a Certificate of Authenticity come with it & who has signed off on it after inspecting the goods?[bighmmm]


Well maybe not a certificate of authenticity, but the staff at her company 'Goop' did have to smell the real thing to make sure the candle smell matched...

Also, it probably shouldn't surprise you that she said the inspiration for making the candles came after partaking in some mushrooms of the mind expanding variety!

[4bee]

Well maybe not a certificate of authenticity, but the staff at her company 'Goop' did have to smell the real thing to make sure the candle smell matched...

Also, it probably shouldn't surprise you that she said the inspiration for making the candles came after partaking in some mushrooms of the mind expanding variety!



Figures! [bigrolf]

[4bee]

Well Jars wasn't an option but yes eg: Jars in bars. bar jars similar to the one possessed by Hue Jars etc.




Coincidence that, Hugh Jars is a Member here. Aviation fraternity from memory.

[cuppabillytea]

Coincidence that, Hugh Jars is a Member here. Aviation fraternity from memory.
That's why I spelled it differently. Didn't wish to offend.

[4bee]

That's why I spelled it differently. Didn't wish to offend.


???? How could you offend Cuppa, that is what he obviously calls himself? [bigrolf]

[cuppabillytea]

???? How could you offend Cuppa, that is what he obviously calls himself? [bigrolf]
Oh. You mean it's not his real name?

[4bee]

Oh. You mean it's not his real name?


Who knows but I don't think so? That is the internet for you, chock full of folk that do not exist but with made up monikers.
[bigrolf]

[cuppabillytea]

Who knows but I don't think so? That is the internet for you, chock full of folk that do not exist but with made up monikers.
[bigrolf]
Whodathunkit. Hey that's a good nam going begging.

[Tins]

Whodathunkit. Hey that's a good nam going begging.

It's mine. MINE I tell you!!!!

[4bee]

Whodathunkit. Hey that's a good name going begging.

It is Cuppa. Do you want a name change?[biggrin]

How about "Saucer of Milk?"

[cuppabillytea]

It is Cuppa. Do you want a name change?[biggrin]

How about "Saucer of Milk?"
I'm happy with the one I've got, thanks. I don't want to end up as a cat's breakfast.

[Gav 110]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20211223/8cd359d4f616019b31f76124dffd35cb.jpg

[sashadidi]

175827

[sashadidi]

175828

[NavyDiver]

175838 Yep We feel it[biggrin]

[sashadidi]

175844

[350RRC]

Big number stats don't lie these days, it works.

DL

[Gav 110]

The Christmas cracker jokes are starting

Who is never hungry at Christmas??
The turkey, it’s always stuffed

[Gav 110]

Why did the toilet go to the doctor??

He felt a little flushed

[Gav 110]

Why did the tomato blush??

He saw the salad dressing

[Gav 110]

Why did the moon burp??

Because it was full

[ramblingboy42]

Father Xmas , after having a lean year , and most of his elves out with covid , was praying to his god for umpteenth time asking him to give him a big lotto win so he could afford to keep up with his committments
suddenly there was a flash of lightening and a crash of thunder and in a booming voice was heard..."for christ's sake santa , how do you expect me to give you a lotto win if you don't buy a ticket".

[ramblingboy42]

175828

V12 , FROM?

[Tins]

V12 , FROM?

I'm guessing Jag 5.3. This the one used on TopGear, and it was Jag.

175867

[Homestar]

Much more reliable as a coffee table or wine rack than powering a car. [emoji56]

[Tins]

Much more reliable as a coffee table or wine rack than powering a car. [emoji56]

Sad but true. Exquisite engine when running properly though.

[ramblingboy42]

there is a guy building one for dry lake speed record , has been a project for some time, search DryLakeRacingAustralia for the build progress if you are interested.

[tc_s1]

A fisherman's tale.https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20211226/4f6e289ce8d399290013dcc2053a6cde.jpg

[Tins]

A man who understands women? Should have him stuffed...

( apologies to Basil Fawlty ).

[sashadidi]

175974

[sashadidi]

175975

[350RRC]

Should be a separate thread for the pumpers.

Seen a few really funny slogans on the back of lots over the years.............. one I remember is ' A straight flush beats a full house every time'.

chers, DL

[sashadidi]

Horse race..
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oy9WBizHNYc

[Hoges]

Last year when you thought you'd seen the back of 2020, this year's going to be 2020 too...

[sashadidi]

176054

[sashadidi]

176055

[sashadidi]

176056

[V8Ian]

176056
The deluxe version is 50% quicker and comes in brindle.

[4bee]

The deluxe version is 50% quicker and comes in brindle.



Ours was before it's time & was called Jack Russell Like greased lightning she was.


Jack was short for Jacqueline you understand.[bigrolf]

[gavinwibrow]

Not funny, but

THE UNKNOWN

As we know, there are known unknowns.

There are things we know we know.

We also know there are known unknowns.

That is to say we know there are some things we do not know,
but there are also unknowns unknowns.

The ones we don't know

We don't know.

Feb 12, 2002, Department of Defence news briefing

[4bee]

Not funny, but

THE UNKNOWN

As we know, there are known unknowns.

There are things we know we know.

We also know there are known unknowns.

That is to say we know there are some things we do not know,
but there are also unknowns unknowns.

The ones we don't know

We don't know.

Feb 12, 2002, Department of Defence news briefing


Sounds like Sir Humphrey has been here. [bigrolf]

Yes, Prime Minister - The need to know - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NX45hc0aZt0)

[Homestar]

Was Uncle Donald (Rumsfeld) that said that.


https://youtu.be/REWeBzGuzCc

[cuppabillytea]

Hey Sasha спасибо товарищ. Your Jokes are the best, and they just keep coming.

[DeeJay]

I'm writing a song about Omicron ... it's very catchy

[BMKal]

176115

[envee]

176115

That almost sounds like it is in bad taste [tonguewink]

[V8Ian]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit.

He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon.

We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.”

‘We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled.

My wife quietly said ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.

Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.‘ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.

My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.”

“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.”‘

[pop058]

[biggrin]

176172

[4bee]

That almost sounds like it is in bad taste [tonguewink]



Maybe I should send that to Prem. Steve? No, he might have written it already.
[bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

176180

[67hardtop]

Feel sorry for the Queen. Must be really constipated, been on the throne for 70 years[emoji1787]

[Gav 110]

The world was once a group of empires, run by Emperors
Then it was kingdoms, run by Kings
Now we are a group of countries, run by ….















Counts?

[Tins]

The world was once a group of empires, run by Emperors
Then it was kingdoms, run by Kings
Now we are a group of countries, run by ….















Counts?

Hmmm, seems to me that you would love Terry Pratchett if you are a reader. If you aren't a reader, Pratchett is a good place to start....

[sashadidi]

176307

[sashadidi]

176310

[sashadidi]

176321

[sashadidi]

176322

[sashadidi]

Politicans summed brillantly.
As my old gran used to say, "The higher a monkey climbs, the more it shows its bottom.

[4bee]

176322

But he does appear to be holding a gun in his pocket.

[4bee]

Politicans summed brillantly.
As my old gran used to say, "The higher a monkey climbs, the more it shows its bottom.


Your olde Gran obviously was an exceptional woman to make such an observation but did she allude to how many times she was **** on by the same person?.[bigrolf][bigrolf]

[Gav 110]

But he does appear to be holding a gun in his pocket.

I don’t think that’s a gun in his pocket……….
It’s a mask[emoji1531]

[4bee]

I think not. Not with olde Hawkeye Ian on the job. At least he puts his name to it.

[sashadidi]

176337

[V8Ian]

That's a bit naughty, Sash. [bigrolf]

[4bee]

176337



Being quite topical oi loikes that. [bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

176371

[4bee]

176371


I have wondered why the EJECT button at all. Oh, I see what you mean. :rolleyes: :Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::no2:

TiC.

[sashadidi]

176420

[sashadidi]

Modern medicine...
176421

[NavyDiver]

excuse if already out- shock news is Djokovic has been appointed the new English batting coach. The poms acknowledged has never played cricket but notes Australia took two weeks to get him out thus he is better than all the English batsmen combined

https://cdn.cnn.com/cnnnext/dam/assets/170112101900-djokovic-cricket-super-tease.jpg

[NavyDiver]

A guy goes to the dentist to have a tooth extracted.
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:
" I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on
suffocates me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.
"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.
"What are they?" he says.
"Viagra," says the dentist.
"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to
when I pull your tooth out."

[sashadidi]

176463

[sashadidi]

176464

[sashadidi]

176465

[sashadidi]

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[4bee]

A guy goes to the dentist to have a tooth extracted.
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:
" I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on
suffocates me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.
"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.
"What are they?" he says.
"Viagra," says the dentist.
"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to
when I pull your tooth out."




:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:

[4bee]

176465


As humorous as that is, I do wonder how many very wrong decisions & advice were given by those ****pots for which residents are having to put up with these days.

[Tins]

As humorous as that is, I do wonder how many very wrong decisions & advice were given by those ****pots for which residents are having to put up with these days.

Probably.... No, I won't say that....

[4bee]

Probably.... No, I won't say that....



Say what?[bighmmm]

[Tins]

Say what?[bighmmm]

Huh?

[V8Ian]

Huh?
Half past two.

[350RRC]

Half past two.

Two thirty?

Time to go to your Chinese dentist.

DL

[V8Ian]

Two thirty?

Time to go to your Chinese dentist.

DL
Ah so.

[sashadidi]

176512

[Tins]

Ah so.

Ah sup

[Gav 110]

176512
Not a pleasant thought🤮🤮

Your a bad man Sash🤣

[Tins]

My grandad told this story, which he swore was true.

Some fancy black tie dinner somewhere, in the 1930s. Lot s of bigjobs making speeches. Tables of diplomats and the like, eating and enjoying a wine. One of the chaps at his table spied a Chinese man sitting with them. Probably not common then. So, this chap would lean across as each course was dispatched and say "you likee soup?', or "you likee lamb?' and "you likee wine?" Then, this Chinese man was called to speak, and spoke for 20 minutes in perfectly nuanced and accented English. On point and eloquent. He returned to the table, amid much applause, and leant to this bloke and said "you likee speech?".

My grandad wasn't a liar......

[V8Ian]

Is it any wonder Scott Morrison's Wee account was hacked, the password was ozpm123.

[sashadidi]

176544

[sashadidi]

176545

[sashadidi]

My morning tea break yesterday morning after NZ lockdown and patients panicking and trying to book in at three times the normal rate...
176546

[NavyDiver]

Forgive me mods[biggrin]!

Australian Navy just fixed the Ukrainian situation. The Ruby Princess is being deployed to Russian now.

176548

[350RRC]

Forgive me mods[biggrin]!

Australian Navy just fixed the Ukrainian situation. The Ruby Princess is being deployed to Russian now.

176548

As a troop ship? [biggrin] Hospital ship? [biggrin]

DL

[350RRC]

My morning tea break yesterday morning after NZ lockdown and patients panicking and trying to book in at three times the normal rate...
176546

Ciggie is filter tipped, with pre filter incinerator.

Exhaust is treated by a gazillion toxic chemicals contained in the smoke, as detailed on the sides of the fumigant packets.

DL

[Tins]

My morning tea break yesterday morning after NZ lockdown and patients panicking and trying to book in at three times the normal rate...
176546

And of course, she might just be making a statement. Lot's of people are. Whether you agree or not.

There are many thing's I would post here, but I can't, we have been sold out to Google.


Have a look at this: ( Ian, I promise I checked _) But this is what you want....


https://youtu.be/7HNiUVYQHU4

[V8Ian]

Don't shoot the messenger, John. As well you know, no Mod can act unilaterally.

[Tins]

Don't shoot the messenger, John. As well you know, no Mod can act unilaterally.

Sigh. Did you not get a laugh out of the woman dog paddling in her mask? Or are we really that far gone?


Yes Ian, I know how the Mods work, or at least I thought I did.

Seems to me that there was a sense of humour once.

[Gav 110]

Sigh. Did you not get a laugh out of the woman dog paddling in her mask? Or are we really that far gone?


Yes Ian, I know how the Mods work, or at least I thought I did.

Seems to me that there was a sense of humour once.

I don’t get it either John

Memes I get sent to me and post as what they are “jokes”, get taken off

Obviously it comes down to whether “you” as the reader of the “joke” sees it as a “joke” or as I interpret it, “you” (or google) see it as offensive, when obviously it’s posted in “jokes”, as a joke, you know what a joke was, “ha ha have a laugh, take no offence and carry on”
When you ask a question about a “moderators” joke pushing the boundaries, you are the joke[emoji848][emoji848][emoji848]
Any ways…….
Why did the chicken cross the road???
To get to the (edit) PC people’s front door!!

Knock knock…

[windsock]

https://i.imgflip.com/62i54u.jpg

[superquag]

As a troop ship? [biggrin] Hospital ship? [biggrin]

DL

Comes with an in-built supply of pts....

[Tins]

I don’t get it either John

Memes I get sent to me and post as what they are “jokes”, get taken off

Obviously it comes down to whether “you” as the reader of the “joke” sees it as a “joke” or as I interpret it, “you” (or google) see it as offensive, when obviously it’s posted in “jokes”, as a joke, you know what a joke was, “ha ha have a laugh, take no offence and carry on”
When you ask a question about a “moderators” joke pushing the boundaries, you are the joke[emoji848][emoji848][emoji848]
Any ways…….
Why did the chicken cross the road???
To get to the (edit) PC people’s front door!!

Knock knock…

What gets me is that the arbiters of this are Google, but the links I often post are from YouTube, a Google company. If people cannot see the issue with that then they are seriously stupid.

[4bee]

As a troop ship? [biggrin] Hospital ship? [biggrin]

DL


As a big Dive Reef one would hope. [bigrolf]



Knock Knock. Wrong thread I believe?[bighmmm]

[Gav 110]

Knock Knock. Wrong thread I believe?[bighmmm]

Maybe grumpy old buggers thread??
Or should it go into conspiracy theories???
[emoji848][emoji848]

[4bee]

Maybe grumpy old buggers thread??
Or should it go into conspiracy theories???
[emoji848][emoji848]



Shirley the one with the bloke with the wonky engine that makes crap noises?.[biggrin]

[Homestar]

What gets me is that the arbiters of this are Google, but the links I often post are from YouTube, a Google company. If people cannot see the issue with that then they are seriously stupid.

The videos you post that are deleted here by the Mods are also demonitised on Youtube based on the same criteria as Adsense - if they are demonitised on Youtube, you can't post them here. Anything that mentions Covid, guns, swear words, and 100's of other words will automatically not have ads on them - it's an automatic system there but we have to do it manually. If you don't see an ad before a Youtube video, then you shouldn't post the link. Even if it has ads, it may not have been up long enough for the algorithm to demonitise it, so you should always be cautious of any video that has the previously mentioned trigger words in it ANYWHERE in the video - spoken or written.

[sashadidi]

176654

[rick130]

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

She had a photographic memory, but never developed it.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

[sashadidi]

176688

[4bee]

176688


That sounds like a lot of Fizz to me Sash.

[Gav 110]

176688

I think this needs moving to conspiracy theories as the human body is about 80% water
And I hear plenty of gas coming from my kids bodies
Their will have to be some carbonation coming from some form of water[emoji12]

[superquag]

The videos you post that are deleted here by the Mods are also demonitised on Youtube based on the same criteria as Adsense - if they are demonitised on Youtube, you can't post them here. Anything that mentions Covid, guns, swear words, and 100's of other words will automatically not have ads on them - it's an automatic system there but we have to do it manually. If you don't see an ad before a Youtube video, then you shouldn't post the link. Even if it has ads, it may not have been up long enough for the algorithm to demonitise it, so you should always be cautious of any video that has the previously mentioned trigger words in it ANYWHERE in the video - spoken or written.

A few more steps down that path, and the phrase 'Best 4x4xFar' will be..... Forbidden.... as will any reference to a 'Randomly wandering motorized ground vehicle'
However singing praises of a (dunno where...) manufactured off-road vehicle with a funny name.... will be ok.
- Y'know, the one which (fictionally) has the identical suspension etc of a previously- famous British vehicle...[bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigsad]

[Saitch]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?



............Aye Matey!

[Xtreme]

Someone asked me what my friends and I do, now we're retired.
I told them that we're fortunate to have a chemical background and one of the things we enjoy doing the most during retirement is converting beer, wine and spirits into urine. We get together and do that every day and we really enjoy it.
:twobeers:

[NavyDiver]

Brought chook, avocado, tomato from my veggie patch, some cheese and nice bread- For a nice Chicken sandwich of course.
Total cock up as the bloody chook is ****ting all over my kitchen floor and I cannot catch the rotten thing. [biggrin]

Told the kids as I picked them up from School. Very alarmed to hear about a Kidnapping!!! It turned out ok. The kid had stayed up to watch the tennis and they woke him up before lunch time and he did not need a chicken sanga [bigwhistle]

[cuppabillytea]

Someone needs to stay out of the pharmaceutical room.[bigwhistle]

[NavyDiver]

Someone needs to stay out of the pharmaceutical room.[bigwhistle]

Harsh Cuppa. I was told they were dad jokes [biggrin]

[4bee]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?



............Aye Matey!



If he was addressing a bloke by the name of Five he'd be one of my mob.[bigrolf]

[4bee]

Brought chook, avocado, tomato from my veggie patch, some cheese and nice bread- For a nice Chicken sandwich of course.
Total cock up as the bloody chook is ****ting all over my kitchen floor and I cannot catch the rotten thing. [biggrin]

Told the kids as I picked them up from School. Very alarmed to hear about a Kidnapping!!! It turned out ok. The kid had stayed up to watch the tennis and they woke him up before lunch time and he did not need a chicken sanga [bigwhistle]



WELL I'll be........ So much for your running prowess, & you can't catch a bloody chook ?


What are you like as a 12g Marksman & a domesticated Crime Scene house cleaner?



If you think cleaning up the floor & walls is not for you, try these understanding folk.

NTCSC • National Trauma & Crime Scene Cleaning (https://ntcsc.com.au/) I don't know if they repair Pellet Holes. You could ask them on their arrival.

If their phone Rep asks the Time of the Occurrence be careful not to say," [B]it hasn't happened yet but give me five" .:wallbash::Rolling:

[4bee]

I see Nigella gave you a mention. Have you both got a thing going on? [bighmmm]

https://www.nigella.com/recipes/salt-and-pepper-squid?utm_source=mailer_rotd&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Salt_and_Pepper_Squid_20220204

TiC.[biggrin]
(https://www.nigella.com/recipes/salt-and-pepper-squid?utm_source=mailer_rotd&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Salt_and_Pepper_Squid_20220204)

[NavyDiver]

WELL I'll be........ So much for your running prowess, & you can't catch a bloody chook ?


What are you like as a 12g Marksman & a domesticated Crime Scene house cleaner?



If you think cleaning up the floor & walls is not for you, try these understanding folk.

NTCSC • National Trauma & Crime Scene Cleaning (https://ntcsc.com.au/) I don't know if they repair Pellet Holes. You could ask them on their arrival.

If their phone Rep asks the Time of the Occurrence be careful not to say," [B]it hasn't happened yet but give me five" .:wallbash::Rolling:
Caught more than a few chooks. Kerang (vic) show had a chook chase. Some rude sod made me give all but ONE I grabbed away to the slow buggers[biggrin] Or the little ones who must have wondered? A job as a kid catching chooks for the end of life bit was a key. I grabbed ten and gave it to the bigger guys other ten to load 20 in to a crate at 3am -5am I think. The technique carried well for the free chooks. Those of you who have never seen how that KFC and red roster stuff gets into a box or your roast chook might be a happy to know slave labor got me a whole $10 for the time except just once when the rope on a large stake of loaded crates of chooks on a truck a snapped. Dropping the entire load ontop of my head. Boss seemed a bit guilty and gave me a whole $20 that morning.

Never shot a chicken. Put more than a few to sleep for fun [thumbsupbig] NOT with the axe but yep used that on a few too :Rolling:

[RHS58]

…..Never shot a chicken….:

Only way I could do it was from afar with the .22… after all, the kids had named them and I couldn’t look the poor chooks in the eyes when the deed was done.

[V8Ian]

You can fit 22,000 chooks in a b-double.
If the Transport Department want to weigh it, you bang on the trailer, reducing the mass by 50%. :bat:[bigrolf]

[cuppabillytea]

If he was addressing a bloke by the name of Five he'd be one of my mob.[bigrolf]
Do you have a penchant for an aye five?

[cuppabillytea]

Harsh Cuppa. I was told they were dad jokes [biggrin]
Looks like I'm bared from the Pharmaceutical room too.

[Saitch]

Looks like I'm bared from the Pharmaceutical room too.

Did you mean "For" instead of "From"?

[4bee]

Do you have a penchant for an aye five?


Not even a "gimme five".

[biggrin]

[cuppabillytea]

Did you mean "For" instead of "From"?
No but I did mean barred instead of bared. Perhaps that's the source of confusion.[wink11]

[4bee]

You can fit 22,000 chooks in a b-double.
If the Transport Department want to weigh it, you bang on the trailer, reducing the mass by 50%. :bat:[bigrolf]



So long as they are not Frozen & then you are buggered. [bigrolf]

[4bee]

No but I did mean barred instead of bared. Perhaps that's the source of confusion.[wink11]



He knows what he means Cuppa & it was just getting interesting too.[bigrolf]

[cuppabillytea]

He knows what he means Cuppa & it was just getting interesting too.[bigrolf]
According to all those who have seen me bared, the subject is not interesting, although Biologists might beg to differ.

[sashadidi]

176822

[4bee]

176822

[bigrolf][bigrolf] Are they real Bulletproof Jocks or just in case some pulls out a Gat & confronts him/her & he Craps himself?[biggrin]


Carrying that much crap around would involve a pair of XOS wellies to catch it all.[bigrolf][bighmmm]

The weapon appears to be an FN 7.62mm L1A1. SLR

[sashadidi]

176828

[350RRC]

[bigrolf][bigrolf] Are they real Bulletproof Jocks or just in case some pulls out a Gat & confronts him/her & he Craps himself?[biggrin]


Carrying that much crap around would involve a pair of XOS wellies to catch it all.[bigrolf][bighmmm]

The weapon appears to be an FN 7.62mm L1A1. SLR

Looks like a bulletproof vest upside down to me, but your interpretation is amusing.

DL

[4bee]

Looks like a bulletproof vest upside down to me, but your interpretation is amusing.

DL

The way shown would/should protect the Goolies but up the other way, maybe not so much[bigrolf].


Always assuming the OP was using a Webley & Scott Air Pistol but the version 1 of Sash's cartoon could be a tad risky allowing one's "dongle" to dangle through what was the neck opening. [bighmmm]


See what I'm driving at?:wallbash::Rolling:

[Tins]

176822

A new take on The Hurt Locker???

[cuppabillytea]

You can't buy toilet paper anywhere, so that's nice.

[4bee]

You can't buy toilet paper anywhere, so that's nice.

[bigsad] So, Finger or Gum Leaves cuppa?


Grass at a pinch.

[V8Ian]

Corn cob.

[RHS58]

According to a 16th century French Monk, Francois Rabelai, in his book “Gargantua and Pantagruel” nothing is better than the neck of a goose.

“But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains.”

I’m not too sure how a goose would feel about this.

[350RRC]

According to a 16th century French Monk, Francois Rabelai, in his book “Gargantua and Pantagruel” nothing is better than the neck of a goose.

“But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains.”

I’m not too sure how a goose would feel about this.

Like ****.

[Saitch]

Hence the term 'Goose someone' I would gather?

[4bee]

Corn cob.



That'd smart a bit but at the end of the day it would probably be good for his piles just like a Woodworker's Rasp if they were dried. That'd really really smart. The Cob, not his piles.[bighmmm]

[4bee]

Looks like a bulletproof vest upside down to me, but your interpretation is amusing.

DL


Oi DL, it wasn't meant to be amusing.[tonguewink] [biggrin] It is a very serious subject having one's DAKS full of **** bearing in mind, being bulletproof, it would therefore have many many layers, & would tend to make them Watertight & a bit messy if a Bullet did happen to penetrate the garment.:BigCry:

Get it?:Rolling:

[Gav 110]

That'd smart a bit but at the end of the day it would probably be good for his piles just like a Woodworker's Rasp if they were dried. That'd really really smart. The Cob, not his piles.[bighmmm]

As long as he didn’t slip and fall on the cob… it might aggravate more than the piles[emoji12]

[4bee]

As long as he didn’t slip and fall on the cob… it might aggravate more than the piles[emoji12]


If he was walking backwards that may very well happen. Apparently. "Cob a la Prostate."[bigrolf]

[cuppabillytea]

Corn cob.
For a deep clean?

[Gav 110]

For a deep clean?

Maybe a thorough scrub[emoji12]

[Tins]

I’m not too sure how a goose would feel about this.

A lot better than they feel about being force fed to make foie gras, I imagine.

[sashadidi]

176920

[Gav 110]

176920

That’s where all my gnomes have been going!!
I thought the local teenagers had been taking them on “holiday”[emoji848]

[sashadidi]

176949

[Tins]

176964

[NavyDiver]

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every timeAll you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

[DiscoDB]

176964

Good idea - should also add:

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220211/260017875bbebf4b5f9012d53f7fa0eb.jpg

[superquag]

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every timeAll you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

Funny, exactly the same formula for making a small fortune out of an Airline.....

[NavyDiver]

[bigwhistle]

https://hotcopper.com.au/attachments/zrockbottom-jpg.4095087/'temp_hash=a2ba5d42d567eaed472ee642bc016e71

[NavyDiver]

My mates decided to all meet up for a Naked Run! I was a bit shocked but hate to miss any running so yep. Stripped off and off I went to meet them all.

A bit late to tell me you meant Naked as in no music, head phones or electronics recording pace and distance! The rotten sods even got a pic of me running home
177095[biggrin]

[NavyDiver]

https://hotcopper.com.au/attachments/imageedit_1_2328925441-jpg.4103640/'temp_hash=cdbbdc807a2a831729fdd17dfe0074d4

[superquag]

My mates decided to all meet up for a Naked Run! I was a bit shocked but hate to miss any running so yep. Stripped off and off I went to meet them all.

A bit late to tell me you meant Naked as in no music, head phones or electronics recording pace and distance! The rotten sods even got a pic of me running home
177095[biggrin]


"Mates ?" [bigwhistle]

[RANDLOVER]

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An Orcastra.

[Saitch]

'Police have confirmed that a man who died, after falling off the roof of a nightclub, was not a bouncer.'

[Hoges]

Caution: Dad joke

Q. What do you call a Scandinavian truck mechanic?

A. Axel

[bighmmm]

[RANDLOVER]

Seen on a sign outside a vet's practice.......

Q. Why are camels sand coloured?

A. Camelflage.

[spudfan]

A husband decided to spice things up by buying luminous condoms. Later that night one of the neighbours turned to his wife and said "That bloke across the road keeps opening and closing the fridge door".

[4bee]

A husband decided to spice things up by buying luminous condoms. Later that night one of the neighbours turned to his wife and said "That bloke across the road keeps opening and closing the fridge door".



I bet it didn't work after the rapid use of the light switch packed it in but magically recommenced at hourly intervals.[bighmmm]

[superquag]

House arrest again, we're locked down and the sheep are panicking, which means no toilet paper.
So now we've switched to enviromentally friendly renewable lettuce leaves.
- And this is just the tip of the iceberg.... [bigwhistle]

[DeeJay]

It was my wifes birthday yesterday, so I asked her out to somewhere expensive.
We had a choice of BP or Shell servo's...

[4bee]

It was my wifes birthday yesterday, so I asked her out to somewhere expensive.
We had a choice of BP or Shell servo's...


In the days to come that may get you some decent Brownie Points.[bighmmm]

[NavyDiver]

In the days to come that may get you some decent Brownie Points.

Only if you took her car and [B]filled it up Des[biggrin]$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

[4bee]

Only if you took her car and filled it up Des[biggrin]$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I can vaguely recall the days when we drove in to the forecourt & said "Fill'er up Mate" & left them to it.

While the tank was being brimmed another geezer cleaned the screen & someone checked tyre pressures.\\\If

If they splashed juice on the paintwork they washed it off with a watering can.


Mind you, I am talking back in the days of Pterodactyls.


I'm afraid they are gone forever, the days & the Pterodactyls & the pump doesn't even speak to you & discuss the weather, footy or any small talk to pass the time before you paid in real money..

Yer know, LSD stuff[bigsad]

[ramblingboy42]

there's one in Longreach.

[4bee]

there's one in Longreach.


Thanks, but a tad out of my way.[bigrolf]

[4bee]

Only if you took her car and filled it up Des[biggrin]$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Wot you sayin' Willis, recharging her battery doesn't count?


That is hardly fair, James.[bighmmm]

[Fifth Columnist]

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to Select Each Image That contains Traffic Lights.

[spudfan]

1

[350RRC]

1

The Turdis.

[NavyDiver]

Why do you tell Actors to 'Break a Leg'? Because every play or film has a "Cast"[biggrin]

[4bee]

Why do you tell Actors to 'Break a Leg'? Because every play or film has a "Cast"[biggrin]


I see, a bit early for Xmas Cracker Jokes.[biggrin]


I can think of some Plays & Filums where "Break your neck" would have been more applicable.:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Ro lling:

[superquag]

I see, a bit early for Xmas Cracker Jokes.[biggrin]


I can think of some Plays & Filums where "Break your neck" would have been more applicable.:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Ro lling:

TWO 'ells' in 'Fil-lims'.
With an 'i', not yuu.[bigsad][bigwhistle]

[tc_s1]

Hehehehehe..... daylight savings https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220314/14805a4cf98d33ab8bbef3e41e14482f.jpg

[superquag]

Hehehehehe..... daylight savings https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220314/14805a4cf98d33ab8bbef3e41e14482f.jpg

Could have been worse, if Ayres Rock / Uluru was deemed to be the nomen of Australia's 'natural' sundial... [bigsad][bigsad][bigsad]

[4bee]

TWO 'ells' in 'Fil-lims'.
With an 'i', not yuu.[bigsad][bigwhistle]



I'm knot purrfect yoi no, but I wil ('ll) tri to do betterr with me grandma & speeelink. [bigrolf]:rulez:

[sashadidi]

https://youtu.be/PY-4K4e5s6w

[4bee]

https://youtu.be/PY-4K4e5s6w


It is simply Horizontal Para Gliding with Fuel. Nothing to see here.[bighmmm]

[bigrolf]

[V8Ian]

Said 4B, racing out to the shed. He'll be of to Dan Murphy's tomorrow, Stihl propelled. [bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

177698

[sashadidi]

who is going to fix the tyre...


177699

[Saitch]

Brings a 'Crab pot' to mind, for me.[smilebigeye]

[4bee]

Said 4B, racing out to the shed. He'll be of to Dan Murphy's tomorrow, Stihl propelled. [bigrolf]


Probably not, as he has a pretty rough olde Driveway to negotiate before he can turn Left or Right to the nearest Moiphys & couldn't scoot along like that bloke. And of course there is the dust.................?


But I will keep this in mind for any future voyages to the smoke.


I wonder how a STIHL brush cutter would go but with a single Rubber tyre instead of the normal Cord Head fitted?

Sure, a bit awkward to control, but where there is a Wheel there is a way. 'ello an echo?[bighmmm] [bigrolf]



I suppose one could hang the BC over the stern of the tub like a Thai Longtail boat? Yep, that could just work.
[bighmmm]

Ambles off to shed with an 8m tape, a vivid imagination & heaps of luck.:Rolling::Rolling:

[4bee]

who is going to fix the tyre...


177699


Fixing the Flat may be the least of their problems & not even be possible the way the closest Lion is sussing the tyre out to see if it can be eaten.[bigrolf]


A side dressing of Loose Bowel Contents may help.[bighmmm]

[Saitch]

...

177753

[NavyDiver]

A salty Sailor walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel in his pants.


The bartender says: “Hey, did you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?”


“Aye, sir that it be, “says the Sailor , “it’s driving me nuts!”