Jokes

[biggin]

Is that anything like a German Shepherd?

[67hardtop]

Pinched from facefart...
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181116/03202a917c150be607339ce4a4a49a6d.jpg

[ScottyD]

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna One, Anna Two...

[Fifth Columnist]

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

[tc_s1]

Latin isn't a dead language, it's just 'Rome-in' around.

[jx2mad]

Latin is a language as dead as dead can be.
It killed the ancient Romans and now its killing me
(my thoughts at high school)

[Fifth Columnist]

If I had had a dollar for every woman that ever found me unattractive I reckon they would fancy me by now. [bighmmm]

[DiscoMick]

I'd be rich.

[RANDLOVER]

When it comes to abs, I have something better than a "six pack" I have a "beer barrel".

[ScottyD]

Police have received reports of an unknown man entering arts and crafts stores, and dipping his testicles in glitter. It's pretty nuts...

[austastar]

Should have used Godards Knacker Laquer, it adds lustre to the cluster.
Cheers

[austastar]

True story!

We were at the Kimberly hot springs, a picnic area in NW Tas, looking over a railing into a pool with some eels feeding on the last scraps of meat on a couple of chook carcases. Quite ghoulish really as they swam slowly through the thorax of each bird, the white bones contrasted against the dark bed of the pool.
A car door slammed, the sound of 2 excited children running towards us at the water's edge, and the Mother's voice warning the kids to stay away from the water.
As they peered over the edge I quietly said "Those are the bones of children who didn't listen to their mother".
They instantly ran back to the car and were very quiet.
Didn't hear a peep from them till we eventually left.
Cheers

[ScottyD]

I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.

[67hardtop]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[67hardtop]

Deleted. Not appropriate. Oops

[spudfan]

Came across a new form of contraception. It's called "Putting on your glasses"....

[Fatso]

This sentence

contains exactly

threeee errors .

:ohyes:

[d2dave]

Came across a new form of contraception. It's called "Putting on your glasses"....

Doesn't work if you have had a bit too much to drink.

[trog]

Get your beer googles from spec savers , can’t go wrong 😎

[DiscoMick]

Chemists sell cheaper goggles, you just have to know which lense number you need for each side, it's all standardised now.

[Bigbjorn]

Once upon a time a brown paper bag was the solution. Some needed two bags.

[ScottyD]

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards, and strong willpower. Just as strong as AJAX, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented vanilla, and lemon fragrances.

[DiscoMick]

Such won't power - impressive, just like Ajax.

[350RRC]

Once upon a time a brown paper bag was the solution. Some needed two bags.

Aaaaand the lights off for redheads.

DL

[Eevo]

i cant believe the number of people who dont understand erectile dysfunction.
i mean its not very hard.

[jonesfam]

This thread has degenerated to the point,
where it is almost funny!

[jx2mad]

It's not funny if it's not hard

[Eevo]

My cousin was hospitalised after sticking 27 small plastic horses up his backside. Doctors have described his condition as stable.

[jx2mad]

When you are bored just think about a few things that don't make sense, such as . . .



1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

🤔



2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

🤔



3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

🤔



4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

🤔



5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

🤔



6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

🤔



7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"

🤔



8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

🤔



9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

🤔


Six great confusions still unresolved 😄😂



1. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?



2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?



3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?



4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?



And now sixer ....



Vagaries of English Language! Enjoy!!!😀😀😀



- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?



-Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?



- How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?



- If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?



- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?



- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?



- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?



- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?



- Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?



- Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?



- How come Noses run and Feet smell?



- Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?



- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?



We can never find the answers, can we?



So just enjoy the pun and fun of the English language.....😁

[Eevo]

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night....Should have been on Aloha setting.

[Blknight.aus]

7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"



No its not...
Swims
2M!W2

[Eevo]

people are worried about my obsession with dot to dot puzzles.
but i know where to draw the line...

[DiscoMick]

I think the C would be silent in 'scent' as it is pronounced the same as 'sent', but I could be wrong.

[vnx205]

I think the C would be silent in 'scent' as it is pronounced the same as 'sent', but I could be wrong.

No the S is silent because it is pronounced the same as "cent". :D [bigrolf]

[Xtreme]

No the S is silent because it is pronounced the same as "cent". :D [bigrolf]

I think vnx205 is on the money there. :thumbsup: :whistling: [bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

I had a dog that could read, we went to the park one day, and there were new lamp posts with a sign that said "Wet Paint" so he lifted his leg and did!

[bsperka]

Why did the British stop making computers?


They couldn't find a way to make them leak oil.

[discorevy]

Ho Chow calls work and says , hey , I no come to work today, I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.

The boss says ' Ho Chow , I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do , I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That's makes everything better and I go to work . You try that.

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again . I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon
You got nice house.

[Blknight.aus]

Why did the British stop making computers?


They couldn't find a way to make them leak oil.

Said the man who has clearly never owned a TD5

[DiscoMick]

Or a Puma Defender, or a D 3/4.

[bsperka]

Said the man who has clearly never owned a TD5I reckon mine's only computer controlled. [emoji11]

[cuppabillytea]

Or a Puma Defender, or a D 3/4.
I don't know about that. Mine's sprung a leak.
It could have been caused by the Computer,,,Ya never know.[bigwhistle]

[bob10]

Said the man who has clearly never owned a TD5



It's not the computer that leaks, and without the computer at Bletchly park, we may all be speaking German

[bob10]

Not sure what happened here, so I deleted that .

[d2dave]

It's not the computer that leaks, and without the computer at Bletchly park, we may all be speaking German

I just popped in to the joke forum for a look and found this joke, but I don't get it.

[V8Ian]

I just popped in to the joke forum for a look and found this joke, but I don't get it.
Bletchly Park was full of cryptanalysts, during WW ll. They broke the Enigma code, greatly shortening the war and handing victory to the good guys.
Google is your friend.

[DiscoMick]

There's a movie about it.

[V8Ian]

There's a movie about it.Did it mention the famous Dormobile owner, who worked on the roof? Fortunately, that was after the war had been won. [biggrin]

[Saulman1010]

Q: Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: One attacks the cow's brain and sends it bloody mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

[p38arover]

There's a movie about it.

And a BBC TV series post WW2.

[Eevo]

My new years resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants.
Roll on 2019.

[DiscoMick]

That's good. Sprays upset people with allergies, which is why sprays are banned in schools.

[DiscoMick]

Q: Will glass coffins prove popular?
A: Remains to be seen.

[Eevo]

Prayers go out to all of the victims in Melbourne, Australia.
Nothing happened, it just sucks that you have to live there!

[Eevo]

Saw Santa crying today, it seemed that one of his Reindeer had lost it's tail.
I calmed him down and said, “I will fix it."
I came back with super glue and the tail stayed on.
Santa thanked me and said, "Have you thought about a career in retailing?”

[Fifth Columnist]

Saw Santa crying today, it seemed that one of his Reindeer had lost it's tail.
I calmed him down and said, “I will fix it."
I came back with super glue and the tail stayed on.
Santa thanked me and said, "Have you thought about a career in retailing?”
Where's the 'groan' smilie?

[Eevo]

The man who invented human cloning died last week.
At his funeral his mourners were beside themselves.

[Eevo]

He requested that everyone wear their genes to the service

[Eevo]

The church bells were rung by a dead ringer as well

[jonesfam]

I got home from work last night & SWMBO said look at my hands. All blistered from using that old broom, why don't you buy me a new one.
I told her to use the car instead of flying everywhere!

The bruises will heal, eventually.

[Eevo]

on new years eve, make sure you have your left leg in the air...
so that you start the new year on the right foot.

[BMKal]

It sucks when people make one small mistake and get fired from their job for it.
A very sad day today, right after Christmas too! After seven years of training in the medical field and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

[spudfan]

Michael and Seamus were out in the Defender when Michael noticed that he was running low on Fuel.
"Better get some fuel" he said. It was a Puma and he didn't want to run out and have to bleed it etc etc.
As they were driving in to the pump Michael saw a sign that said
"Fill up and enter a competition for free sex"
So when he filled up and was paying for the fuel he asked about the competition for free sex.
The owner said all he had to do was to guess a number between 1 and 10 and if his guess coincided with the lucky number of the day he would get the free sex.
"6" said Michael.
"No" said the owner "Todays number is 5. Better luck next time".
So off went the two lads a little disappointed...as you would be.
Couple of weeks later the two boys arrived at the same fuel station for another fill up for the Defender. As he was paying Michael asked the owner if the competition for free sex was still running.
"Yes" said the owner "just guess the lucky number of the day."
"2" said Michael. "Unfortunately today's number is 3" said the owner and off went the two lads.
Driving out Seamus says to Michael "I think that competition is a con".
"Oh no it is genuine enough" said Michael "My wife won twice last month".

[Fifth Columnist]

Last night, I gave my wife my medieval battle uniform to polish whilst I went to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

[67hardtop]

Last night, I gave my wife my medieval battle uniform to polish whilst I went to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.A well placed "comma" there [emoji41]

[POD]

Two Indian drug addicts mistakenly injected curry powder. One is in hospital with a dodgy tikka, the other is still in a korma.

[Eevo]

I was in the states last week, trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is, and it was so bloody frustrating.
Everyone kept telling me it's private.

[Hogarthde]

Good that you didn’t ask “who is on first base” , Eevo.

[Eevo]

I'm reading a story in braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

[Fifth Columnist]

My neighbour passed away and bequeathed everything to a crack in the Earth's crust. Lovely man, generous to a fault.

[donh54]

I'm reading a story in braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

A blind bloke I knew picked up a cheese grater. Reckoned it was the most violent short story he ever read!

[tact]

A well placed "comma" there [emoji41]

Punctuation can make a world of difference to a text like: "...helping your uncle jack off a horse".

[LRJim]

Punctuation can make a world of difference to a text like: "...helping your uncle jack off a horse".Except a comma wouldn't be in that sentence[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
A capital J would make it easy on the eyes..helping you uncle Jack off a horse... still sounds rude though 🤣🤣

[Markf]

Punctuation can make a world of difference to a text like: "...helping your uncle jack off a horse".

I like eating friends and family. Or.
I like eating, friends and family.

[speleomike]

Description of what a Wombat does; eats, roots, shoots and leaves.

[vnx205]

A blind bloke I knew picked up a cheese grater. Reckoned it was the most violent short story he ever read!

I believe Helen Keller told that joke about herself.

[carjunkieanon]

I like eating friends and family. Or.
I like eating, friends and family.

I like eating, friends, and family.



Oxford comma!!!

[cuppabillytea]

It would seem AULRO has become haven for cannibalism.

[Fifth Columnist]

I was going to start breeding gun dogs and wondered whether anyone would be able to give me a few pointers.

[350RRC]

I sometimes fuel up one of my chainsaws with the motor still running.



Flame suit on.

[NavyDiver]

800,000 federal govt employees in the US working with no pay.
Roughly the opposite to here in Australia [biggrin]

[NavyDiver]

I was going to start breeding gun dogs and wondered whether anyone would be able to give me a few pointers.

you would be better off breeding sheepdogs


it's easier to round up a few of them [biggrin]

[Eevo]

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son.”
“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”
He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

[cuppabillytea]

I used to call all the old blokes Dad. They'll dead now so I guess I'll never know.

[Ancient Mariner]

Must be lost web page can't be found[bighmmm]

AM

[ninetubes]

So I met a bloke at a mini car club meeting yesterday and we wound up talking land rovers. He explained to me the point at which land rover decided to resolve the dust & water ingress issues in the defender;

"So they sit down with a cup of tea to figure out where to begin. Agreeing that those japanese chaps are doing awfully well with their land-cruisers, they decide to give them a call for some friendly advice.
The kind gentlemen from toyota explain that they begin by locking a cat inside the test vehicle for a weekend. If the cat is still alive when they arrive back at work on the Monday then they know there is a problem and investigate it from there.
So off the landrover lads go to procure a cat and proceed to lock it in the latest defender that friday afternoon.
Arriving back to work on monday, eager to see their results, they discover the cat is missing....."
pretty sure this is a true story

[NavyDiver]

Driving down the road today I went past a 'Road Works Ahead' sign. My kids both commented they hope it 'Works"

[DiscoMick]

A classic sign, but still good:
Men At Work Drive Slowly

[donh54]

A classic sign, but still good:
Men At Work Drive SlowlyNot if your work involves overnight express transport!

[jx2mad]

I am still trying to find a ROAD PLANT for my garden

[Ean Austral]

Old bloke goes to see the quack, Whats the problem say the Doc,

Well, when i was a teen and in my 20's i couldn't bend my erection with 2 hands , then in my 30's I was only just able to bend it with 2 hands

by my 40's I could almost bend it with 1 hand , and then , by my 50's I could bend it with 1 hand no problem

Now i'm approaching 70 I can bend it with 2 fingers.

So says the Doc, what's the problem ?

Well Doc i'm really wondering, "How much stronger am I going to get"....

[RANDLOVER]

Two Indian drug addicts mistakenly injected curry powder. One is in hospital with a dodgy tikka, the other is still in a korma.

The doctor said they were very lucky to survive, and had definitely used up one of their naan lives.

[Saulman1010]

I am still trying to find a ROAD PLANT for my gardenIve always wanted to write on the sign: WRONG WAY GO BACK
"Shake 6 to move again"!!

[Eevo]

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg me to stop. When i'm finished you will be weak for days.

sincerely
The Flu

[Fifth Columnist]

So, technically, Moses was the first person to download data from the cloud to a tablet.

[NavyDiver]

My son asked me what gay means? I told him it means 'happy'.

He asked me if i was gay. I told him I am married![biggrin]






Yes I am happily married.

[Eevo]

My wife wanted me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart".
I couldn't if I tried.

[jonesfam]

There are 3 Dolls in a mans life:
1. His daughter = Baby Doll.
2. His girlfreind = Barbie Doll.
3. His wife = Panadol.

[jonesfam]

My 9 year old daughter has disappeared.
She was last seen using a moisturiser cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

[V8Ian]

Damp up there, Paul?

[jonesfam]

Damp up there, Paul?

Hello Ian,
No, we've had bugger all BUT everywhere around us has had heaps so we are well & truly cut off in every direction.

[Fifth Columnist]

Anyone else noticed that if you sit and stare at a green traffic light it makes a noise like a car horn?

[Eevo]

My wife told me I have two faults.
I don't listen .......... and something else.

[NavyDiver]

Sorry Gents. This might sting a little[biggrin]


The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."

[Eevo]

URGENT - WORKERS REQUIRED


We need 10 people to work at a large event, on the 30th and 31st this month !!!
$800.00 per day.
$1600 cash for the 2 days!
Anyone available??????


SERIOUS WORKERS ONLY!!!!

[discorevy]

URGENT - WORKERS REQUIRED


We need 10 people to work at a large event, on the 30th and 31st this month !!!
$800.00 per day.
$1600 cash for the 2 days!
Anyone available??????


SERIOUS WORKERS ONLY!!!!


Sorry , can only do the eleventy fifth of this month

[Eevo]

I took the shell off my pet snail to see if it would make him go faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

[Fifth Columnist]

My granddad died a few weeks after my grandma passed away. At first, we thought he died of a broken heart - but it turned out he couldn't cook.

[Eevo]

I have a quite a few jokes about cash machines.
I just can't think of any ATM.

[Eevo]

Last night there was a meeting on how to withhold orgasms.
Nobody came.

[Fifth Columnist]

I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea, and haemorrhoids last week.

First time I’ve ever won a game of Scrabble.

[Eevo]

I went on a tour of the postcard factory yesterday.
It was nothing to write home about.

[Homestar]

That actually made me laugh out loud. [emoji106][emoji38]

[Eevo]

My obese pet parrot died yesterday.
While it's very sad, and I'll miss him, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

[jx2mad]

polygon!

[austastar]

Hi,
Parrot on pirate's shoulder.

"Arrk, pieces of seven."

Yep, parity error.

Cheers

[NavyDiver]

Vegetarian or vegan- a big mis steak

148687

[Homestar]

I used to work at a Calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

[Homestar]

A woman was on trial for beating her Husband to death with his guitar collection.

The Judge says ‘First Offender?’

She replies ‘No first a Gibson, then a Fender’

[123rover50]

A lady goes into a New York City bank. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the women hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the women for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The women replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[350RRC]

A lady goes into a New York City bank. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the women hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the women for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The women replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Somewhere the PC brigade have even got to that joke, she used to be referred to as 'a blonde'. Next time it appears 'a woman' might have morphed into 'a person' and most of the irony in the joke will be goooooone.

DL

[Eevo]

A bloke went to the doctor because he had a bit of lettuce hanging out his arse..


Apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg

[Eevo]

Man tells his doctor he has a strawberry growing out of his arse. The doctor says "Ill give you some cream for that".

[jx2mad]

$2.99 BREAKFAST SPECIAL .............................. ...
IF YOU ARE A SENIOR YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THIS ONE; IF YOU DEAL WITH
SENIORS, THIS SHOULD HELP YOU UNDERSTAND THEM A LITTLE BETTER, AND
IF YOU ARE NOT A SENIOR YET........ GOD WILLING, SOMEDAY YOU WILL
BE...... THE 2.99 SPECIAL

WE WENT TO BREAKFAST AT A RESTAURANT WHERE
THE 'SENIORS' SPECIAL' WAS TWO EGGS, BACON, HASH BROWNS AND TOAST
FOR $2.99. 'SOUNDS GOOD,' MY WIFE SAID. 'BUT I DON'T WANT THE
EGGS..'

'THEN, I'LL HAVE TO CHARGE YOU $3.49 BECAUSE YOU'RE ORDERING A LA
CARTE,' THE WAITRESS WARNED HER.

'YOU MEAN I'D HAVE TO PAY FOR NOT TAKING THE EGGS?' MY WIFE ASKED
INCREDULOUSLY.

'YES!' STATED THE WAITRESS.. 'I'LL TAKE THE SPECIAL THEN,' MY WIFE
SAID..

'HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR EGGS?' THE WAITRESS ASKED.

'RAW AND IN THE SHELL,' MY WIFE REPLIED.

SHE TOOK THE TWO EGGS HOME
AND BAKED A CAKE.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! WE'VE BEEN AROUND THE
BLOCK MORE THAN ONCE!

[donh54]

I was down getting a prescription filled at the local chemist. Out of nowhere some guy threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!

Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

[ChookD2]

A dyslexic man walks into Bra.

[Eevo]

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.


He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.


He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.


He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.


He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.


He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.


By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.


As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.


Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.


He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.


He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.


He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.


Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.


Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.


As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.


He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.


He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.


He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.


After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.


After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.


He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.


He walks through the sand.


After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.


But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.


Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.


While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. It would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.


He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.


Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can't tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.


He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.


He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.


So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.


He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.


Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.


His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.


Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.


He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.


It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"


He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.


Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.


And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.


He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot.


Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.


Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.


He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.


He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.


He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.


He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"


He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"


He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.


"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"


Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."


A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.


He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.


"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!


"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"


"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."


"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"


"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."


The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.


"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it."


"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.


"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.


"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.


"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.


"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack Samson."


"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"


"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You've been changed.


"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.


"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."


"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd have to kill me?"


"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.


"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?"


"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?"


"Yeah, they do," said Jack.


"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.


Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"


Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.


"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"


"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.


"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me."


"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a change to me?"


"Right," nodded Nate.


"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.


"That takes two requests, Jack."


"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"


"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either. You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it."


"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?"


"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had shoulders.


"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?"


"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.


Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.


"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"


Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?


Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...


Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans...


Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to hoodwink me like that."


"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."


"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something instead?"


"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second."


"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear," answered Jack.


"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?"


"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."


"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like," answered Nate.


"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up. "What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.


"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.


"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk."


"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.


Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. "You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."


Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.


"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.


Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the trunk to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.


Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.


Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!


Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."


"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack."


Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"


"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a 'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."


"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"


"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands of years, at least."


"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.


"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."


"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?" asked Jack.


"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've been here ever since.


"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"


"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.


"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.


"Why not?" asked Jack.


"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.


"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it that way, and it would move in the slot."


"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.


"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"


"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it 'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.


Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?"


"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"


Nate continued to grin.


"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?"


"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I didn't think to ask back when I started here."


"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.


"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.


Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now? You'd let me end humanity?"


"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do you want to, Jack?"


"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn't it?"


"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."


"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Jack. "Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?"


"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.


Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"


"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.


"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"


"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed to know."


"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?" protested Jack.


Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to try your best, Jack."


Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.


Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?"


"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."


"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?"


"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."


"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.


"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.


"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"


"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."


"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.


Nate watched him, waiting.


"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with his third request?"


Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, "Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."


"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it to me.


Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"


"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"


"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about."


"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.


Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.


"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.


"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.


"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"


"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.


Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.


Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been recently bitten.


Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he was still awake.


Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.


"Nate, do accidents count?"


Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"


Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?"


"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.


A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.


"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.


"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?"


"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared."


"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.


"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?" asked Jack.


"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."


"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?"


"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.


Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.


Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.


"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he'd had enough. It was his time."


"And then he just died?" asked Jack.


Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.


After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.


After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise."


Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.


Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.


So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made it back easily.


Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.


Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.


Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of, and shouldn't really raise suspicions.


Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.


Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.


After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.


After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.


Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.


But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.


On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's silence, sat down and waited.


After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."


Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?


"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son." Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"


Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.


"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.


"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I assume?"


Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.


"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"


Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was something more.


Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, "Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.


Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement."


Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"


Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."


Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said was, "What do you want me to do?"


Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.


"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.


"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.


Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.


"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.


"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."


Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy! Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."


Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following.


Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and stories followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.


When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.


So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.


When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.


When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.


As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.


Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.


Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack's driving.


As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.


Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.


Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.


Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.


Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just right.


The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.


Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.


Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "Better Nate than lever!", he ran over the snake.

[Markf]

I first heard essentially the same story at a large family dinner party about 50 years ago and my father spun it out over dinner and desert. In those days the desert was the Simpson, the car was a Ford station wagon and apart from a few other details the story was about the same.
My father was a master of the shaggy dog story and whenever he started with "There was this bloke..." we'd all groan inwardly except my mother who'd just groan and roll her eyes.

[4bee]

A good yarn, thanks Eevo, but you lost me somewhere about.......... [biggrin]


Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!

[biggin]

That’s another hour of my life that I’ll never get back.

[4bee]

I know what you mean, it was a bit hard to put down once one started, but the decider was I badly needed a crap & once i did put it down, I found it hard to proceed afterwards. [biggrin][biggrin]

[Bigbjorn]

EEVo, your card has been marked.:bat:

In Hitler's Germany that story would have condemned you to Fuhlsbuttel.

[Eevo]

i might tell that story at melrose this year.

[RANDLOVER]

I think this story might originally have been American, as they way they pronounce lever it rhymes with never, whereas we say it more like "leaver". So the punch line relates to "better late than never" also the SUV and RV terms are Americanisms. I hope I haven't over analysed this?

[Eevo]

EEVo, your card has been marked.:bat:

In Hitler's Germany that story would have condemned you to Fuhlsbuttel.

at least i'll have a good story to tell [happycry]

[4bee]

i might tell that story at melrose this year.


But be aware your intended audience may be fast asleep by the end/50% of your reading.:Rolling:

You then might have to tell it again.[bighmmm]

[67hardtop]

i might tell that story at melrose this year.I wasted 45 mins reading that....um story and still didnt finish it. Please Eevo, ive not got long enough time left in this lifetime if u start it at Melrose...[emoji30] [emoji30] [emoji30] [emoji30]

Cheers Rod

[speleomike]

I had to go an get a coffee and a hot cross bun half way through. Likewise, that's 45 minutes of my life I'll never get back :-)

[Bigbjorn]

at least i'll have a good story to tell [happycry]

Ask nicely and the SS guards will lay you on your back so you can watch the guillotine descend.

[RANDLOVER]

A party is on safari in Africa and a Pygmy runs out of the jungle and says come take my picture with an elephant I just killed. Sure enough it is a huge elephant and impressed they ask "Did you really kill that?" The Pygmy says "Yes, with my club." So they ask "How big is your club" To which he proudly replies "400 members."

[Eevo]

The bloke who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.

[Fifth Columnist]

As I get older and remember all the people I lost along the way, I think to myself...
Maybe taking this job as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea.

[4bee]

[biggrin]

Exemplary but subtle, #5.:TakeABow:

[Homestar]

I accidentally got locked in a mirror shop last night.

On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect...

[4bee]

I accidentally got locked in a mirror shop last night.

On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect...



Groaaaaaaaaaaan.[bighmmm]

[Homestar]

Yep, a real Dad joke - I love ‘em. 👍

[jonesfam]

I went to the Bakers today to by some Short Bread.
They said they don't make it any Longer.

[DiscoMick]

Student joke:

Q: Which bird is a Master chef?
A: A kookaburra.

[4bee]

That's real Kookie Mick & a bit of a tail.[bighmmm]

[RANDLOVER]

The reason you have to use so much bug spray is that it doesn't work by poisoning them, but by drowning them.

[DiscoMick]

I heard that a group of Irish people drowned on St Patrick's Day. Apparently they got into difficulty while river dancing.

[VladTepes]

BREAKING NEWS from the ABC

Frankston Melbourne Victoria


Police have found $12 million dollars worth of ice, 6 x AK47's and 200 live hand grenades at a house behind the library in Frankston

Residents are said to be shocked as they did not know that there was a library in Frankston.

[Eevo]

After Apollo 11 got back to earth, they went to the White House to collect their medals. Collins dropped Armstrong and Aldrin off and circled outside in the car.

[jonesfam]

It's my daughter 32nd birthday tomorrow.
I will celebrate for exactly half a minute.

[Eevo]

A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child.


It's called the Renault McCann.

[Eevo]

I asked my New Zealand friend how many sexual partners he'd had.


He started counting but he fell asleep.

[Eevo]

If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

[Eevo]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'BOB, wake up....... You've **** the bed!

[Eevo]

A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat old slob who looks like a sexual deviant, mean and dangerous!” The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

[Eevo]

I got a dig bick.


You that read wrong.


I bet you read that wrong too!

[67hardtop]

A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child.


It's called the Renault McCann.Sick

[p38arover]

It's my daughter 32nd birthday tomorrow.
I will celebrate for exactly half a minute.

Our daughter's 32nd is this weekend. I'll pass that one on. :)

[Eevo]

Sick
if they didnt want jokes made about them, they shouldnt of killed their kid.

[p38arover]

Our daughter's 32nd is this weekend. I'll pass that one on. :)

That went down like a lead balloon - she's turning 34, not 32.

[4bee]

if they didnt want jokes made about them, they shouldnt of killed their kid.


As the best crime solving brains in Europe have apparently investigated this, then if you have more conclusive info then you really should contact New Scotland Yard with it.

You have haven't you? .................................................. ............................................. Thought not.


Think of all the engines you may be able to use the Reward Money for, Eevo.


[smilebigeye]

[Eevo]

As the best crime solving brains in Europe have apparently investigated this, then if you have more conclusive info then you really should contact New Scotland Yard with it.

You have haven't you? .................................................. ............................................. Thought not.


Think of all the engines you may be able to use the Reward Money for, Eevo.


[smilebigeye]


if the police didnt screw up the initial investigation...

[Saitch]

if they didnt want jokes made about them, they shouldnt of killed their kid.

I hate American spell check! You were, obviously, trying to say "shouldn't have killed their kid" or perhaps " offed their kid"?

[Eevo]

I hate American spell check! You were, obviously, trying to say "shouldn't have killed their kid" or perhaps " offed their kid"?




yep, too much amercian tv for me.

[4bee]

if the police didnt screw up the initial investigation...

Or if they hadn't gone out to dinner leaving the child behind, or if, or if, or if, ad infinitum.






I hate American spell check! You were, obviously, trying to say "shouldn't [B] have killed their kid" or perhaps " offed their kid"?


Or Topped their kid.[bighmmm]

[Saitch]

yep, too much amercian tv for me.

You'll have to get off of that![wink11]

[Eevo]

You'll have to get off of that![wink11]

you tried watching oz tv?
i'd rather drive a landcruiser.

[350RRC]

BREAKING NEWS from the ABC

Frankston Melbourne Victoria


Police have found $12 million dollars worth of ice, 6 x AK47's and 200 live hand grenades at a house behind the library in Frankston

Residents are said to be shocked as they did not know that there was a library in Frankston.

Big similar raid in Collingwood some years ago.

Residents were asking the news crews in the street where the meth lab was.

'Behind the library' was the answer.

'What's a library?' the residents asked.

[Saitch]

you tried watching oz tv?
i'd rather drive a landcruiser.

Oooh, that hurts! How did you know I had a Landcruiser?:dbcry::dbcry: [tonguewink]

[Eevo]

I finally perfected a time machine and I am going to test it.
To be safe, my first test will send me back in time just a few seconds. Here we go: 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1- ENGAGE!


I finally perfected a time machine and I am going to test it.
To be safe, my first test will send me back in time just a few seconds. Here we go: 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1- ENGAGE!


I finally perfected a time machine and I am going to test it.
To be safe, my first test will send me back in time just a few seconds. Here we go: 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1- ENGAGE!


I finally perfected a time machine and I am going to test it.
To be safe, my first test will send me back in time just a few seconds. Here we go: 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1- ENGAGE!

[Fifth Columnist]

Brilliant Eevo.
The more you think about it the more you think about it the more you think about it.....

[Eevo]

I was in a good mood this morning until I started patting a duckling at the park.
Then I started feeling a little down.

[4bee]

Jayzus Eevo! Do you lay in bed in the early hours thinking up these little eggs?


That wasn't meant to be a Yolk either but I see eggsactly where you are coming from.[smilebigeye]

[V8Ian]

I bought a pair of shoes with Memory Foam Insoles.
Never again will I walk into a room and wonder what I went in there for.

[V8Ian]

Jayzus Eevo! Do you lay in bed in the early hours thinking up these little eggs?


That wasn't meant to be a Yolk either but I see eggsactly where you are coming from.[smilebigeye]
No, C&P, you can tell from the punctuation and capitalisation .

[4bee]

I bought a pair of shoes with Memory Foam Insoles.
Never again will I walk into a room and wonder what I went in there for.

Don't bother, Ian, I tried that but it didn't work, but I can't remember why for some reason.[biggrin]

[Eevo]

Statistics say that one out of every three people in a relationship are unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.

[RANDLOVER]

Statistics also say that 70% of the population is bad at maths.
I said "Oh yeah, what about the other 40%?"

[DiscoMick]

Statistics also say that 3% of left-handed males have tinea.
Sounds serious, until you realise that 3% of everyone has tinea.

[Disco-tastic]

Did you know that 68% of all statistics are made up!

[4bee]

Statistics say that one out of every three people in a relationship are unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.

Be warned Eevo, it could be both of them & with each other.[biggrin]

[Eevo]

I got mugged by 6 dwarfs last night.
Not Happy!

[4bee]

[smilebigeye] Sounds like you've had a couple of sleepless nights, Eevo.:Rolling::bangin:

[Eevo]

I was attacked by a flock of sheep today.
Fortunately, I was only grazed.

[Saitch]

You should have got the flock out of there!

[Eevo]

Ewe should have got the flock out of there!

corrected

[Eevo]

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me today.
Luckily my injuries are super fish oil.

[Eevo]

My wife and I sometimes dress up as Apollo Creed and Adrian Balboa.
We're going through a Rocky patch.

[Eevo]

FYI.....
Insurance companies are warning campers that if their tents are stolen during the night, they won't be covered.

[Eevo]

I left my wife because she was obsessed with counting.
I wonder what she's up to now?

[Eevo]

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she didn't show up.
I guess the 2 of us aren't going to work out.

[Eevo]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with.
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens.

[4bee]

Was she talking mm or " ? [smilebigeye]


Don't tell me, another sleepless night Eevo?[bighmmm]

[350RRC]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with.
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens.

Solid gold Eevo.

DL

[350RRC]

Was she talking mm or " ? [smilebigeye]


Don't tell me, another sleepless night Eevo?[bighmmm]

She was talking how good out of ten, on the toe curling scale.

If you don't know what that is maybe goog Japanese erotic art.

Nothing to do with one out of ten blokes or mm or inches.

cheers, DL

[Fifth Columnist]

The toe curling scale is only effective when she forgets to take her tights off....

[Fifth Columnist]

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids - in one ear and out of the other.

[4bee]

She was talking how good out of ten, on the toe curling scale.

If you don't know what that is maybe goog Japanese erotic art.

Nothing to do with one out of ten blokes or mm or inches.

cheers, DL



You have met Eevo's missus then?[smilebigeye]


Eevo's missus from the background, "How the hell did I get involved in this Eevo?":Rolling::bat:

[jx2mad]

Eevo's missus from the background, "How the hell did I get involved in this Eevo?":Rolling::bat:


Eevo must have been a 10!

[Eevo]

Eevo's missus from the background, "How the hell did I get involved in this Eevo?":Rolling::bat:


Eevo must have been a 10!


10km restraining order.

[4bee]

[biggrin] Not surprising though, fancy being closer than 10k from these jokes each & every day.



:Thump::rocket:


^^
Eevo. :Rolling:

[Eevo]

I got my palm read tonight.

[Eevo]

replace bill with any other politician.


Bill Shorten walked into a bank to cash a cheque
When he’s called over to the teller, he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"


The teller replied, "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"


Bill Shorten said, "Truthfully, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I’m the leader of the Labour Party of Australia."


The teller said, "Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."


Shorten said, “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they’ll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."


The teller said, "I’m sorry, Mr Shorten, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"


Getting a bit agitated, Shorten snapped, “C'mon woman, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque.."


The teller said, "Look Mr Shorten, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.


"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Shorten, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"


Bill Shorten stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there’s nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."


With a big smile, the teller said, "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Shorten?

[Eevo]

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised and said, "thanks, but aren't you worried I might be a serial killer?".
I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the one car would be astronomical.

[Eevo]

In my best Sylvester Stallone voice I said to this woman, " I'll be back".
I think I may have given her the wrong impression.

[4bee]

I got my palm read tonight.


Ok, I know there must be a joke in their ^^^ somewhere.


About bloody time as well. Did M/s Eevo say......... "Eevo, don't get me involved in one of your online japes ever again or you are for the bloody high jump?
Or words to that effect?"

Eerr indoors would have.:Rolling:

[Eevo]

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.

[4bee]

If it was Night Soil Eevo, someone here was obviously was ****ted off with the jokes.[biggrin]:Rolling:

[Hogarthde]

He hehe............cough, cough

[Eevo]

Sad news today that the inventor of the speed boat has died.
His funeral is Monday, followed by the wake.

[Eevo]

I'd say I hope for a speedy recovery but that ship has sailed

[4bee]

Sad news today that the inventor of the speed boat has died.
His funeral is Monday, followed by the wake.



I hope it is a swim through.[smilebigeye]

[Toxic_Avenger]

The inventor of autocorrect has died.
Restaurant in peace.

[350RRC]

I got my palm read tonight.

More gold!

Keep it up [thumbsupbig]

DL

[67hardtop]

I forgot how to throw a boomerang....then it came back to me

[Fifth Columnist]

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.
I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything."

[laney]

A man walks into a pub with 3 ducks the bar tender says you can't bring them here the man says there talking ducks the bar tender agrees thinking another nut job after a while the man goes to the bar says can you look after my ducks I need to go to the toilet the bar tender reluctantly agrees. While the man was in the loo the barman thinks I'll talk to theses ducks so he says hi to the first duck amazingly it says hi back barman says what's your name mike the duck replies barman says how's your day been great I've been in and out of puddles all day great says barman he says hi to the second duck it say hi my name is ralph I've had a great day to I've been in and out of puddles all day to. The barman turns to the third duck and says so how was your day the third duck looks at the barman and absolutely crap why asks the barman my name in puddles.[bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

A horse walks up to the local cricket ground and says to the captain "I can play cricket too" the captain says "Wow a talking horse" and gives him a go at batting, the horse hits a six of the 1st ball, and then a 4 off the 2nd but the 3rd is only a single, so the captain shouts "Run,run!" the horse replies "Do you think if I could run I'd be playing cricket?".

[Eevo]

I was recently diagnosed as being colour blind.
It totally came out of the purple

[Eevo]

i didnt think wearing orthopedic shoes would help, but i stand corrected.

[jx2mad]

Australia is the only country where a dark horse can be called a fair cow.

[4bee]

i didnt think wearing orthopedic shoes would help, but i stand corrected.

Jayzuz Eevo! I don't know if your jokes are getting better or worse but are certainly all funny.

Are you chewing on Eucalyptus leaves perchance?[biggrin]

[Eevo]

the inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
there will be no coffin at his funeral.

[Eevo]

I thought the drier made my clothes shrink.
turns out it was the refrigerator.

[Eevo]

The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
But the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut,
Which eventually pulled out the Ford
With some difficulty
Well more rain than we'd seven for a thousand years
Caused financial joys and biblical fears
It caused some smiles it caused some tears
But more to the point of our story
For The first time in the collective memory,
That old brown prairie that had been so dry for so long was very muddy
Boggy and sticky
We'd pull one truck out and get another stuck in
And motors would roar and tires would spin
We'd sink right down, down to the diff, and we'd all take turns and do it again
Till no one could move, we'd call one more friend,
Come on out here, we need you'bring your truck
The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
But the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut
Which eventually pulled out the Ford
And the Dodge
They got me stuck in the mud, so they couldn't rehearse
And Chavase too has missed his work
Richie, he now fears the worst, he stood up his ex wife she called him a jerk
Course Holman didn't have nothing better do to, 'cept ranch.
The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
But the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut
Which eventually pulled out the Ford
Well it was truck after truck, we all got stuck
cept the big old four by hutterite truck
We all thought 'lord are we in luck!?
But he wouldn't come anywhere near us,
Mighty neighborly, mighty neighborly.
So we used a lot of our backs, a little of our brains
We jacked up the jacks, and snugged up the chains,
We all did our very best to refrain from shovelin?.
We put what timber we had, underneath the wheels
And we was all out of sand, but managed to steal
Two sacks of the best modern canola seed you ever did see,
That 'oughta give us some traction
The Chev got stuck and the Ford got stuck
But the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up
But the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut
Which eventually pulled out the Ford
We spilled genetically modified canola seed
That was genetically modified for controlling the weeds
And for big old yields and margarine oil, raised hell all over that native prairie soil

[Eevo]

I just spent $400 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesnt include a driver!
Cant believe i spent all the money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

[Eevo]

I was attacked by a group of mime artists last night.
They did unspeakable things to me.

[Eevo]

if a cow doesnt produce milk... is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

[Eevo]

ive got another joke for melrose:

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.


He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.


He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.


Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.


The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."


The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."


The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."


The man sets about his task.


After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.


"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."


The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."


The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.


Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."


The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!


With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...


But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[V8Ian]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter withTempo Mach 2 appears.


The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care, and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, at the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what do you say now?"

The jet pilot, confused, asks : "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the aircraft to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with a stewardess for the next three nights -- in a 5-Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is when you are young, speed and adrenaline seem to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

[ChookD2]

If you tickle a cow and make it laugh, does milk come out its nose?

[DiscoMick]

Cows don't laugh.

[LRJim]

Dont know where you have been
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190416/574257376f8aade4617510939d4e6d3d.jpg

[DiscoMick]

On a dairy farm.

[jonesfam]

Cows don't laugh.
Depends what they are Smokin?

[DiscoMick]

Or if the cows have guns?

[Fifth Columnist]

Went to see a faith healer last night, he was useless, even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out...

[Eevo]

I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.

[Eevo]

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to help her check her balance. So i pushed her over.

[Eevo]

Rigged polls with preplanned outcomes are useless.


- They really aren't.
- No they're not.

[Eevo]

what does carlton footy club and my mobile phone number have in common?

they both start with 0 4

[Saitch]

My barber was telling me a good story the other day but there were people waiting so, he cut it short.

[V8Ian]

My barber was telling me a good story the other day but there were people waiting so, he cut it short.
The joke here being, that you paid for that haircut. :tease:

[4bee]

As an aside or short around the ears. What does one pay for a Gentleman's haircut these days? Is it a 2nd Mortgage thing?


NOT A JOKE btw. I haven't been to a Barber for yonks since the time they had Craven A posters on the walls & the olde mantle radio tuned, nay rusted, onto the Racing Radio Stations & blowflies on the mirror.
[biggrin]
I'm just curious, as 'err indoors now gives me a regular skim over the top with a #1 & I wondered what I was missing.

No Brylcreem either.:Rolling:

[pop058]

As an aside or short around the ears. What does one pay for a Gentleman's haircut these days? Is it a 2nd Mortgage thing?


NOT A JOKE btw. I haven't been to a Barber for yonks since the time they had Craven A posters on the walls & the olde mantle radio tuned, nay rusted, onto the Racing Radio Stations & blowflies on the mirror.
[biggrin]
I'm just curious, as 'err indoors now gives me a regular skim over the top with a #1 & I wondered what I was missing.

No Brylcreem either.:Rolling:

My local (mens only) barber, Tony changes me 20 clams for a basic haircut and a #3 beard trim (and a great chat). [thumbsupbig]

[rick130]

$15 for my buzz cut and trim and it's a lady barber and she uses a proper cut throat for the shaving!