Jokes [Archive] - Page 6 - Australian Land Rover Owners

VladTepes

26th August 2010, 11:20 AM

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg ..

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety

lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real

examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where

you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a

flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out

furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot

said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be

turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out

of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business

as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone

voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a

flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening

the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as

hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth ..

To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and

pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one

small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but

we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,

nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is

pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in

the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The

flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump

and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight

attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o---

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and

bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight

it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies

and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats

with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to

the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers

exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said

that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking

with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on

with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain

Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt

against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning

bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way

through the wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank

you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the

insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal

tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,

the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light

'em, you can smoke 'em."

---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a

comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The

weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence

followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.

While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a

cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of

mine!"

Andrew D

26th August 2010, 11:38 AM

Vlad

Much like the similiar satire of the Hamish & Andy Show. Gee I'm going to miss them.

Andrew

ADMIRAL

26th August 2010, 11:52 PM

: FW: The Hunting Trip
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two Irish lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

sashadidi

3rd September 2010, 06:41 AM

found this on another forum:
SMART AR*ED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR AWARDS
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

The Winner
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'
__________________

ADMIRAL

8th September 2010, 11:58 PM

28612

MEANZ06

9th September 2010, 04:26 AM

An elderly,white-haired man, walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

:D

Bigbjorn

9th September 2010, 06:52 PM

Somerset defeated Pakistan by five wickets in their cricket match at Taunton next Thursday.

d2dave

10th September 2010, 10:30 PM

Talk about ******* Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder!

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan . Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head, so I shot her.

Landy Smurf

10th September 2010, 11:42 PM

lol i like that one

MEANZ06

11th September 2010, 02:52 AM

...and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

sashadidi

14th September 2010, 04:42 AM

Marriage anyone?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

rrturboD

14th September 2010, 09:26 PM

MEANZ06

14th September 2010, 11:06 PM

sashadidi

15th September 2010, 01:57 PM

Not many people know of this interesting fact!

In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

How do you ozzies know about so much about sheep anatomy???? is it taught at primary school still ? you must shag your sheep in strange ways over there?
:)

FenianEel

15th September 2010, 02:22 PM

I came out the back of this Pub in Palmerston North one time, and there was Kiwi fella getting intimately acquainted with a sheep.
I said, "Oi mate! Back in Australia, we shear them!"
He said, "Puss orf, I'm not shearin this with anyone, eh!"

incisor

15th September 2010, 02:43 PM

sigh...

p38arover

15th September 2010, 04:21 PM

How do you ozzies know about so much about sheep anatomy???? is it taught at primary school still ? you must shag your sheep in strange ways over there?
:)

Nah. It's because so many EnZedders have moved here, they've told us all about it. There's well over 1/2 million Kiwis in Oz. :mad:

:D

digger

15th September 2010, 07:31 PM

FenianEel
"I came out the back of this Pub in Palmerston North one time, and there was Kiwi fella getting intimately acquainted with a sheep.
I said, "Oi mate! Back in Australia, we shear them!"
He said, "Puss orf, I'm not shearin this with anyone, eh!"

sigh...

Brings back memories Inc??:p:twisted:

(ducks whilst expecting ban AND infractions!!!)

banjo

15th September 2010, 08:10 PM

FenianEel
"I came out the back of this Pub in Palmerston North one time, and there was Kiwi fella getting intimately acquainted with a sheep.
I said, "Oi mate! Back in Australia, we shear them!"
He said, "Puss orf, I'm not shearin this with anyone, eh!"

Brings back memories Inc??:p:twisted:

(ducks whilst expecting ban AND infractions!!!)

:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:

350RRC

15th September 2010, 08:26 PM

There's well over 1/2 million Kiwis in Oz. :mad:

:D

And that has maybe raised the mean IQ level of both countries.

cheers, DL

Hymie

15th September 2010, 08:29 PM

The reason New Zealand is prohibited from exporting Yoghurt to Australia is because it's their only living culture.

350RRC

15th September 2010, 08:39 PM

The reason New Zealand is prohibited from exporting Yoghurt to Australia is because it's their only living culture.

Remember the 'Nightlife in NZ' t-shirts with nothing but a big black square when the plug was pulled on Orkland?

DL

rrturboD

15th September 2010, 09:49 PM

ABC for Kiwis

digger

15th September 2010, 11:21 PM

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi! I hate being on welfare, I’d really rather have a job.”

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year”.

The Kiwi says, “You’re bull****ting me!”

The Centrelink officer says, “Yeah, well, you started it”.

sashadidi

17th September 2010, 04:37 AM

is this why all the ozzies voted green? In New Zealand at least we care about the environment!!!thats why the government taxes us on it!!!!
:wasntme:

sashadidi

17th September 2010, 04:42 AM

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

sashadidi

17th September 2010, 04:43 AM

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

spudboy

18th September 2010, 08:39 AM

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'

digger

18th September 2010, 08:54 AM

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a female brain, and $3,000 for a male brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A woman, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the female brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used.'

:eek::D:wasntme:

digger

18th September 2010, 09:37 AM

:coplight:
A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.
The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.
The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.
The two police officers had respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store only hours earlier. The homicide detective had already been there.
"So what happened with the first one?" asks the first officer.
"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."
"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Corn Flakes yesterday? And Weet Bix last week?"
"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

:coplight:

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered our Police station and reported that his Aussie supermodel wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
:coplight:

MEANZ06

18th September 2010, 09:47 AM

....whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them, she was perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet....who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked

"It just worked for me" he replied.

sashadidi

19th September 2010, 09:18 AM

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old digger . They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old digger top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .

The digger won.

rrturboD

19th September 2010, 04:02 PM

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.

ADMIRAL

20th September 2010, 10:51 PM

Paddy Murphy went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the Nurse says 'Congratulations, your wife has had quinns - 5 big baby boys.'

Paddy says, 'I'm not surprised, I have a Willie on me like a chimney.'

The nurse replies, 'You'll need to get it cleaned because the babies

are all black.'

spudfan

21st September 2010, 05:28 PM

Life on an Irish Farm

While passing by Mick's hay shed, Paddy he sees Mick doing a slow and VERY sensual striptease in front of the old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks tightly clenched, Mick performs a slow pirouette and then gently slides off first his right welly, slowly followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his worn check shirt he rapidly rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap in the air as he collapses, sprawls spread-eagled onto a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy

'Jaysus Paddy, ye frightened the livin’ shoite out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick,

Truth is that me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist said that I should try doing something sexy to a tractor . "

Grockle

21st September 2010, 06:17 PM

MickS

25th September 2010, 05:10 PM

I lost the pub trivia last night by a single point.

The last question was "Where do most women have curly hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is "In Africa" .......

ADMIRAL

27th September 2010, 09:40 PM

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO Chicago WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO ".

digger

28th September 2010, 02:41 AM

from my "Things I've learnt.." thread

I read where, after having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read: "New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Victorians".

One week later, I feel I, in Adelaide, South Australia, must report the following and so have released this press statement today: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in a pasture near Gawler, South Australia, Digger, (a self-taught archaeologist), reported that he found absolutely **** all. Digger has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, South Australia had already gone wireless."

I learnt that it just makes you bloody proud to be a South Aussie!

spudfan

28th September 2010, 04:29 AM

Two ladies had street stalls beside each other. One of them sold fruit and the other sold flowers. It was a rainy,cold, gloomy day so business was very slow. The lady with the fruit stall picked up a carrot and said to the lady at the next stall-
"This carrot reminds me of my husbands manhood"-.
"Why" asked the lady with the flower stall.
"Guess" said the lady holding the carrot.
"Well is it the length of it?" asked the lady with the flower stall.
"No, guess again" came the reply.
"Well is it the shape of it?" the lady with the flower stall asked.
"No.Guess again"
"Well is it the width of it?" she asked.
"No but try again."
"Is it the colour of it?" she asked.
"NO"
"O.K.I give up, why is it like your husbands manhood". said the flower lady.
"It's the dirt of it" came the reply.

Basil135

28th September 2010, 08:56 AM

sashadidi

29th September 2010, 09:44 AM

guy hay bails himself

VladTepes

1st October 2010, 02:29 PM

what the....

duncanw

1st October 2010, 02:45 PM

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

duncanw

1st October 2010, 02:47 PM

The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

digger

1st October 2010, 05:26 PM

guy hay bails himself

how embarrasing I didnt realise anyone was watching!:o

digger

1st October 2010, 10:22 PM

There was this cop and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work at the station and discovered that a woman rookie officer had joined the force. All he knew was her name was Officer Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this cop was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing else he could do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with the new rookie. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current was strong and it carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing........

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

flagg

1st October 2010, 11:55 PM

how embarrasing I didnt realise anyone was watching!:o

:Rolling:

spudfan

2nd October 2010, 07:50 AM

>>> Letter to Mens Helpline:-
>>>
Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going
out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I
usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat,
when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It
was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed... a "hairline
crack" in the outboard mounting bracket... Is that something I can
weld or do I need to replace it?

hodgo

2nd October 2010, 09:20 PM

My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month..
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

ezyrama

4th October 2010, 05:34 PM

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has his way with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".

Must have been a KIWI!! :wasntme:

Fifth Columnist

5th October 2010, 05:52 AM

The new Fairy Liquid advert.......

"Mummy, why are your hands so soft?" .............."Cos i,m only fourteen, now shuddup and eat yer pot noodle!"

MEANZ06

6th October 2010, 12:44 PM

A young Arab asks his father:,
,What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?
,,It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!,
,And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?
,,It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !,
,And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?
,,These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !,,
Tell me, papa...,
,Yes, my son ?,,
... Why are we living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this **** ?

MEANZ06

6th October 2010, 01:08 PM

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women...

And here we go...

#10 -You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.?

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.?

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer?Guns Over Women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

:D

ADMIRAL

6th October 2010, 11:39 PM

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass
of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times
with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they
did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all
at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"

Now you know...

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

Buckaluckaducka

7th October 2010, 04:36 PM

Nah. It's because so many EnZedders have moved here, they've told us all about it. There's well over 1/2 million Kiwis in Oz. :mad:

:D
well you know what they say....it's best to learn by doing than watching.
So you tell me how you ozzies have learnt so much over the years...?

Shonky

7th October 2010, 05:17 PM

So you tell me how you ozzies have learnt so much over the years...?

It's true.

Before, I had no idea sheep could make noises like that...

Fifth Columnist

8th October 2010, 03:41 AM

Actually it's not a joke but where else would you post it?............

The Russians are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will
detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

They see this as a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

This is so simple...that it's brilliant.

I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal, and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system................

"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number _____".

isuzutoo-eh

8th October 2010, 08:34 AM

Thats the best idea i've heard all week!

350RRC

8th October 2010, 08:42 AM

Collingwood fans are not stupid

50,000 Collingwood Fans meet at the MCG for a "Collingwood Fans Are Not
Stupid" Convention.

Eddie says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Collingwood
Fans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer."

Alan Didak gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage.

Eddie asks him, "What is fifteen plus fifteen?"

After 15 or 20 seconds Didak says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then all 50,000 Collingwood Fans start chanting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Eddie says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you
in one place and we have the world wide press and global broadcast media
here, I think we can give him another chance."

So he asks, "What is seven plus seven?"

After nearly 30 seconds Didak eventually says, "Ninety!"

Eddie is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh
everyone is disheartened.

Didak starts crying and the 50,000 Collingwood Fans begin to yell and wave
their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Eddie, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually
says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance...What is two plus two?"

Didak closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Collingwood Fans
jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

KarlB

8th October 2010, 09:00 AM

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Hymie

8th October 2010, 05:17 PM

Got invited to an event staged by Neville Knievel, brother of Evil Knievel.
He is going to jump a bulldozer over a stadium full of Collingwood Supporters.

p38arover

8th October 2010, 06:27 PM

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

'Tis absolutely true!

Pedro_The_Swift

8th October 2010, 07:00 PM

and, in your case Ron,
the torch was broken anyway--:p

BMKal

10th October 2010, 04:23 AM

'Tis absolutely true!

So is No. 12 .................... the shinbone - :mad:

Pedro_The_Swift

10th October 2010, 07:47 AM

Now now Rob,,

you must learn not to bring your work home with you,,,;)

sashadidi

10th October 2010, 12:17 PM

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate
when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do
dat when I win the lottery'.

'What's dat', asks his mate?

'Send me lawn away to be cut!'

MEANZ06

11th October 2010, 03:47 PM

5,000 men were surveyed as to why they like BJ's.
1% liked the warmth
2% liked the sensation
3% liked the eroticism
94% just liked the peace and quiet

:D

d2dave

11th October 2010, 06:17 PM

5,000 men were surveyed as to why they like BJ's.
1% liked the warmth
2% liked the sensation
3% liked the eroticism
94% just liked the peace and quiet

:D

:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Roll ing:

Basil135

12th October 2010, 11:36 AM

1. Two blonde's walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see your nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'so are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

sashadidi

12th October 2010, 03:56 PM

Mary had a little sheep
With the sheep she went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram........
Mary Had A Little Lamb.

sashadidi

12th October 2010, 03:58 PM

Safe sex

What do you call safe sex in Australia?
Marking an 'X' on the sheep that kick.

d2dave

12th October 2010, 08:15 PM

Safe sex

What do you call safe sex in Australia?
Marking an 'X' on the sheep that kick.

I am a tad confused here. Should it not be safe sex in NZ?

Dave.

d2dave

12th October 2010, 08:18 PM

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.Shoulda bought a hat.'

sashadidi

13th October 2010, 04:37 AM

I am a tad confused here. Should it not be safe sex in NZ?

Dave.
No that confusion might have something to do with the too much kicking bit, I understand it leads to a lot of workers compo in Australia
:p

digger

13th October 2010, 07:02 AM

Sashadidi,
is it true youre banned from going into the shoe section of any store
because you get...um... you have a 'reaction' :eek: a near the ugg boots?

Just asking....:angel:

:twisted:

(not too many other countries have kept up such a tirade against each other for so long without it ending in war!)

digger

13th October 2010, 10:43 AM

I was in Hungry Jacks the other day, when this Muslim woman walks in wearing a brightly coloured head to toe outfit.
I thought to myself, WOW…..!!

The Burkas are better at Hungry Jacks…..!!

__________________

(from the remlr "Things I've Learnt" thread)

this may help explain the above joke to those from overseas....see end of ad
YouTube - Hungry Jacks stupid commercial

MEANZ06

13th October 2010, 12:04 PM

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

sashadidi

13th October 2010, 02:38 PM

Buckaluckaducka

14th October 2010, 08:34 AM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

digger

14th October 2010, 08:50 AM

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

screen cleaner

very un PC game...

http://www.resist.com/other/border_patrol.swf

digger

14th October 2010, 02:15 PM

Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .....

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

MEANZ06

14th October 2010, 02:27 PM

Six Truths in Life
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it. 3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .....
I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

:D ^--- guilty! :lol2:

d2dave

14th October 2010, 07:55 PM

Barry and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in
Melbourne .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this
more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth '

MEANZ06

17th October 2010, 11:16 AM

Judy married Ted and had 13 children. Then Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Then Bob was killed in a car accident.

Judy again remarried, and she had 5 more children with John.

Eventually, after bearing 25 children, Judy died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her, thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret ...

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

:lol2:

digger

18th October 2010, 11:18 PM

Sign posted at a golf club in Scotland

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP..

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.__._,_.___

MickS

20th October 2010, 05:11 PM

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him doing a striptease to a large piece of farm machinery.

Mick shouts "what da **** are ya doing Paddy?"

Paddy replies "well me and Mary haven't been getting on lately, so our therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor" :o

ADMIRAL

20th October 2010, 10:24 PM

Indian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Chandrasekhar Subramanian

entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said,

"Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said

"Give me Liberty , or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775"

he said.

"Very good!"

Who said

"Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863"

said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class,

"Class, you should be ashamed.

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper:

"**** the Indians,"

"Who said that?"

she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

"General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said,

"I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks

"All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says,

"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells,

"Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher ,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said

"You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,

" Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said,

"Oh ****, we're ****ed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly,

I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007."

KarlB

22nd October 2010, 09:14 AM

Thought this fitted best in the Jokes thread:

MEANZ06

22nd October 2010, 12:10 PM

Thought this fitted best in the Jokes thread:

that link locked up my computer! :(

BigJon

22nd October 2010, 12:39 PM

Worked fine for me.

MEANZ06

22nd October 2010, 12:44 PM

Worked fine for me.

ill try again tomorrow on my work 'puter... ;)

:D

sashadidi

22nd October 2010, 01:24 PM

# Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

# A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

# A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

# A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

# I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

sashadidi

22nd October 2010, 01:27 PM

My wife asked me for something that does nought to sixty in 5 seconds for her birthday.

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

KarlB

22nd October 2010, 05:48 PM

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

sashadidi

23rd October 2010, 06:45 AM

Follow the chart

sashadidi

24th October 2010, 04:39 PM

1.I couldn't find the thingy that turns the TV on today, so I asked one of the kids if they'd seen it.

They said she left me yesterday.

2.Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"

I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

3.Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife?

Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.

sashadidi

25th October 2010, 05:54 AM

"Well…How bad is it ???

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials !
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that ? “
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
My ATM gave me an IOU !
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them..
McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children..
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they have possessed her!.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street”.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Fifth Columnist

25th October 2010, 07:35 AM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription'

V8Ian

25th October 2010, 04:26 PM

The Duck Is Dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck,Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the Vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$400!" she cried, "$400 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $400."

MEANZ06

26th October 2010, 02:01 AM

Marriage is like a deck of cards
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond
By the end you'll wish you had a ****ing club and a spade
:D

BBS Guy

26th October 2010, 04:02 AM

A chilean Miner, trapped underground for so long and after release from hospital and alone for the first time with his wife, was asked by her if he would like to have sex.

He replied "yes of course, but could we turn the lights out"?

"Of course" she replied, "I understand you must have become accustomed to the dark. Is there anything else ?"

"Well" he continued, "would you mind if i took you from behind?"

"not at all" she exclaimed, "if that is what you wish, anything else?"

"well, the miner retorted, would you mind if i called you Pedro?"

I understand and appreciate that Chilean Miner jokes might elicit some form of bad feeling in some, however the fact that now all the miners have been sucessfully rescued and there have been no fatalities is in itself cause for unilateral celebration the world over. Such jokes as this are only but another form of such celebration.

If you do not believe me, just ask Pedro.

sashadidi

26th October 2010, 01:17 PM

IDEAS can change your life....
But a woman can change your IDEAS!
:):)

Buckaluckaducka

27th October 2010, 07:40 PM

Telstra is committed to providing you with the highest levels of customer service

dswatts

27th October 2010, 07:56 PM

hahahahaha:lol2::lol2::lol2:

Telstra is committed to providing you with the highest levels of customer service

FifiLámour

27th October 2010, 10:11 PM

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
London and is certain he has a better education than any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.

Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'

London lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvtae come to a complete stop, that's the law, licence and registration, please!'

London lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

KarlB

3rd November 2010, 08:09 AM

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, he says, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that - One, you have to be single and two, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

sashadidi

5th November 2010, 06:02 PM

10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong- With-That Mountain"
9. "Wyatt Slurp"
8. "For A Few Dollars More We Can Make It A Threesome"
7. "Long Ranger"
6. "Go West Young Man...Now South...a Little More South...OH GOD YES RIGHT THERE!"
5. "Bunanza"
4. "The Good, The Bad and the Fabulous"
3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"
2. "Fun With Dick In James"
1. "Oklahomo"

sashadidi

5th November 2010, 06:20 PM

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound intelligent
2. Own half the world's perfume industry and still never use deodorant
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on late night films on Channel SBS
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just sh*t in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth for no reason at all

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8. Fish and chips (with or without a mullet)
9. Beats being Welsh
10. Or Scottish

d2dave

5th November 2010, 06:46 PM

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth for no reason at all

Point 1/We have an unelected (bogan) female PM.
3/ Some people call 4X beer:wasntme:
4/Most of our politicians are crooks

5/Same.

7/Ozz, The land of the long weekend

8/You can ride a push bike in the most hideous cloths and nobody seems to care. (until a group forms and holds up traffic)

9/ You get to call everyone you've never met mate.

Dave

Fifth Columnist

6th November 2010, 02:22 AM

The speech therapist

Over in the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her
“Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".:

sashadidi

6th November 2010, 05:21 AM

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear leopard skin
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 AD
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH:

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :

1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Bhuna
10. Kingfisher lager

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH: 1 to 10. Sheep

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :

1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :

1. It beats being an American
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering ba$tard that no civilised nation on earth wanted (ie: You get to live in what was Britain's largest "open prison")
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you, when in fact it should belong to England
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket, well most times
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondi Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING A KIWI:

1. Get to shag chicks that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock
2. Beer
3. Rugby
4. See above
5. See above
6. See above
7. See above
8. See above
9. You can tap a girl on her head and her knickers fall down
10. Hate everyone else ......unless its their round

digger

6th November 2010, 06:54 AM

<<<snip>>>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering ba$tard that no civilised nation on earth wanted (ie: You get to live in what was Britain's largest "open prison")
2. Fosters Lager the only reason Fosters would make this list is the fact its imported away from our shores for all those other poor bastards to drink, so we don't have to!!!
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you, when in fact it should belong to England
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket, well most times
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondi Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach

<<<snip>>>

...

Fifth Columnist

6th November 2010, 08:52 AM

Politically correct
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat black bloke is dancing on a car roof."
"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to
use the politically correct terminology"
"OK" he says:
"Zulu....Tango....Sierra"

KarlB

7th November 2010, 09:55 AM

A Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.

The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

KarlB

7th November 2010, 10:02 AM

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss , press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

KarlB

10th November 2010, 11:07 AM

Two Chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?”

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld.

sashadidi

11th November 2010, 06:50 PM

Found on another forum

Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.....
An old Italian man is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside.. " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

spudfan

12th November 2010, 05:08 AM

Question. Which is the most entomological of Shakespeare's plays?
Answer. Antennae and Coleoptera.

spudfan

12th November 2010, 08:39 AM

A man started with a new employer. First lunch break he was in the crowded canteen eating his lunch. Suddenly someone shouted out "Number 56" and everyone started to laugh. Someone else shouted out "Number 23" and once again every one laughed. The new guy turned to someone sitting beside him and asked what was going on. He was told that as every one had heard all of the jokes before they just numbered them and called out the number of the joke. Suddenly some one called out "Number 125" and the place erupted into hysterics. People were falling off chairs they were laughing so much. Once the laughter had eventually died down the new guy turned once again to the person next to him and asked what was so special about joke "Number 125" to cause such hilarity. "That's one no one had heard before" came the reply.

Blknight.aus

12th November 2010, 01:28 PM

later that week our new employee decided he wanted to get into the game. Not long after the laughter had died down from someone calling out "Number 43" he called out "Number 57" and was met by bereft silence.

ashamedly he bowed his head, finished his lunch in silence while more numbers called seemingly at random bought more laughs. When the meal break was over he asked on of his co-workers quietly at the water cooler if joke number 57 was a particularly bad or distasteful joke.

His co-worker admitted that "no, its quite good, it was just the way you told it."

sashadidi

12th November 2010, 02:20 PM

YouTube - Roberts Toot-Tone

d2dave

12th November 2010, 07:52 PM

· At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tas), Tooheys (NSW), XXXX (Qld), CUB (Vic) and Coopers (SA) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.”
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The head of XXXX smiled and said “I’ll have the best, XXXX.
The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then said “I’ll have a diet coke”
The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head
"Well," he said with a shrug, "If you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

Fifth Columnist

12th November 2010, 09:31 PM

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a morale at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have alot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen. Aunty Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking.'

sashadidi

15th November 2010, 03:37 PM

Little girl goes into Toys R Us and asks for the Barbie that comes with GI Joe.

"I'm sorry little girl" says the salesman, "but Barbie comes with Ken. not GI Joe."

"No," says the little girl, "Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."

p38arover

17th November 2010, 10:02 PM

A housing estate in Mt Druitt was evacuated today after discovery of a suspicious object.
Close examination by security forces revealed it was a ...........................

PAYSLIP. https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/11/809.jpg

p38arover

17th November 2010, 10:06 PM

Defence lawyer-"Please state your age"
Old lady-"I'm 94 years old"
Defence lawyer-"Will you tell the court in your own words what happened on the evening of April 1st."
Old lady-"I was having a nap in the sun when this young man crept up and sat beside me"
Defence lawyer-"Did you know him?"
Old lady-"No, but he was very friendly"
Defence lawyer-"What happened next?"
Old lady-"He started rubbing my thigh"
Defence lawyer-"Did you try to stop him?"
Old lady-"No, I was enjoying it"
Defence lawyer-"What happened next?"
Old lady-"I lay on the porch and said Take me now! but he just said April Fool! and tried to run off. And thats when I shot the little mongrel!"

spudboy

18th November 2010, 07:32 AM

INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST THREAT LEVEL RESPONSES

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. The English have not been 'A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from '****ed Off' to 'Let's get the Bastards'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.

The Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from 'baaa' to 'BAAAA'. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is 'I hope Australia will come and rescue us'.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be right, mate'. Three more escalation levels remain 'Crikey!', 'I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend' and 'The barbie is cancelled'. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation levels.

KarlB

18th November 2010, 12:16 PM

A Catholic priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese business man and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes"

The Indian doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf"

The Chinese business man called out, "Move it, Time is money"

The Catholic priest said "Here comes George the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him.. " Hello, George what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they"

George the greens keeper replied, "Of yes that's a group of blind firemen They lost their sight in an explosion while saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime".

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, "That's so sad I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight".

The Indian Doctor said "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Business man replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the Fire Brigade in honour of these brave souls"!.

The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"

KarlB

19th November 2010, 06:12 PM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Andrew my "friend" and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires..

So Andrew called him a **** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

KarlB

19th November 2010, 06:18 PM

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the reception, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'Impossible!' said the groom broom.

'We haven’t even swept together!'

p38arover

19th November 2010, 09:22 PM

The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
.
When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

http://www.ozbadge.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/.pond/immigrationibadge1881.jpg.w300h384.jpg

It also works at Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!...

sashadidi

20th November 2010, 07:57 AM

My lesbian neighbors bought me a Rolex. It's really nice, but they obviously misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"
:)

KarlB

22nd November 2010, 10:58 PM

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist takes out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."

KarlB

22nd November 2010, 11:03 PM

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small plot of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, a friendly Aussie neighbour decides to walk across and welcome the new bloke to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man And says, "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are ****ing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about **** on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

"What do you mean, mate?" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "Man at travel agent say to become true Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink ****, and listen to bull****."

sashadidi

24th November 2010, 02:14 PM

Hope this has not been posted before

Scam Warning
WARNING:

A ‘Heads Up’ for those of us men who may be regular Mitre 10 customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Mitre 10. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.

MEANZ06

24th November 2010, 02:26 PM

A woman wakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

:D

KarlB

25th November 2010, 02:01 PM

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.

Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry; we still have one engine left.

The blonde in seat 17A turned to the man next to her and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

dswatts

25th November 2010, 10:23 PM

Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy
a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Maori.

"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Aussie .

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."

hiline

25th November 2010, 10:42 PM

not a joke as such,just a cool clip :D

YouTube - PEOPLE ARE AWESOME

dswatts

25th November 2010, 11:39 PM

Education....

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really?

And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies

“My wife”.

hiline

26th November 2010, 12:13 AM

young shark says to his Father

why do we circle people and show them our fins before we eat them !!

Father replies ,they taste better with the **** cleaned out :D

KarlB

29th November 2010, 02:02 PM

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

sashadidi

29th November 2010, 03:11 PM

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been
a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their
promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag
and loaded onto their rowboat..

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing
in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the
water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and
almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to
his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the
side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself
into a state when suddenly

Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'

kenleyfred

30th November 2010, 08:57 PM

A husband and his wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE:
"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:
"Of course I do.."

WIFE:
"Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND:
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE:
"You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan)

WIFE:
"Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:
"Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE:
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:
"Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:
"Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:
"That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE:
"Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND:
"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE:
"Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:
"Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE:
"Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND:
"No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"sh$t."

ezyrama

30th November 2010, 09:15 PM

A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked.

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle.

ezyrama

30th November 2010, 09:17 PM

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the hospital accountant and said "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the accountant, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete p@%&k

KarlB

1st December 2010, 05:53 PM

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .

The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even the Queen of England cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

KarlB

1st December 2010, 06:01 PM

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the cupboard and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his mates. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the cupboard again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken state and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees the blue ribbon.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!”

Buckaluckaducka

2nd December 2010, 02:24 AM

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it is GREAT!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than she thought.

VladTepes

3rd December 2010, 07:59 AM

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

KarlB

7th December 2010, 06:04 PM

A doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".

KarlB

9th December 2010, 08:26 PM

Question:
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Answer:
Ten little piggies; two calves; one ass; many hares; and a cat.

d@rk51d3

9th December 2010, 08:51 PM

Question:
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Answer:
Ten little piggies; two calves; one ass; many hares; and a cat.

And 1 Salmon.............. I know it's in there, but I cant find it.

d2dave

9th December 2010, 10:53 PM

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

KarlB

13th December 2010, 09:27 AM

Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from
star to star to highlight the space between them.
*Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

KarlB

13th December 2010, 08:46 PM

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the lounge room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

"Ralph, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

Fifth Columnist

13th December 2010, 11:54 PM

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

ezyrama

14th December 2010, 01:39 PM

Irish DJ has a competition on the radio, asking listeners to call up, make up a word and use it in a sentence and the best one wins a holiday.
The first caller says
"It's Paddy from Dublin here and my word is Goan"
" That's an interesting word Paddy, use it in a sentence please" says the DJ
Paddy says " Goan %$^& yourself"
The DJ hangs up on him.
An hour later Paddy calls again and doesn't identify himself except to say his word is "Smee"
The DJ says "Can you use it in a sentence please sir"
Paddy says " Smee again Goan %$^& yourself"

Lotz-A-Landies

14th December 2010, 01:46 PM

The M5 East Tunnel - the only place in Sydney that you can get all-day undercover parking free!

Sydney motorway system, now that is a joke! :mad:

Fifth Columnist

15th December 2010, 09:14 PM

The M5 East Tunnel - the only place in Sydney that you can get all-day undercover parking free!

Sydney motorway system, now that is a joke! :mad:
A bit like the M25 https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2017/03/373.jpg

Marshall

16th December 2010, 07:58 AM

Heard a great comeback to that old chestnut "if a man sleeps with a lot of woman, he is a legend, if a woman sleeps with more than two men a year, she is a sl#t"
it goes:
"If one key can undo a lot of locks, it is a master key, if one lock can be opened with a lot of keys, it is a ****ty lock..."
:wasntme:

digger

16th December 2010, 09:01 AM

sashadidi

16th December 2010, 03:44 PM

Romancing simplified
Romancing simplified....

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points?

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You have no idea about valanced sheets (-1)
You understand correctly what she means when she talks of the ‘Peach’ or ‘Lavender’ coloured sheets (+5)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)In the rain (+8)But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)

Named Rita (-4)

Rita is an exotic dancer (-6)

Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You forget her birthday (-50000)

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Terminator 11' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have ???

miky

16th December 2010, 10:05 PM

...
Now what chance do you have ???

Buckley's mate, Buckley's...

.

sashadidi

17th December 2010, 10:43 AM

Found on the net!!! :)
YouTube - husband tests bullet proof glass with his wife

sashadidi

17th December 2010, 06:11 PM

Winter Classes for Women :)
with apologies if this has been posted before

The Adult Learning Centre

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Drive--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

ezyrama

18th December 2010, 08:40 AM

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, some a&$hole is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

ezyrama

18th December 2010, 08:41 AM

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole.

ezyrama

18th December 2010, 08:42 AM

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

ezyrama

18th December 2010, 08:51 AM

"News Flash"

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. Thank you.

sashadidi

19th December 2010, 02:39 PM

Divorce Lawyer: $10,000

Loss of house, car, etc: $250,000

Small outboard motor: $250

Disposable camera: $8

Sending your ex-wife a picture of you boating in her family-heirloom diningroom table: Priceless.

Blknight.aus

19th December 2010, 04:25 PM

** Mod removed - Not Appropriate - Please read the rules**

In similar local news.

A midget reported to the same police station complaining of having his pockets picked. The spokesman is quoted as saying "I didnt think anyone would stoop so low"

On the local front

"A suicidally depressed man has jumped on to the tracks in front of the special service steam train running today. He was chuffed to bits"

ezyrama

20th December 2010, 05:18 PM

ezyrama

20th December 2010, 05:19 PM

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms :::: Just
do it

* Toyota Condoms :::: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms :::: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms :::: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms :::: Keep going& going&
going

* Pringles Condoms :::: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms :::: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms :::: Good onya mum
(available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms :::: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms :::: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms :::: They said you'd never make it

* Vegemite Condoms :::: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms :::: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms :::: It brings you together.
*******************

The following brands wouldn't sell so well.....

* Goodyear Condoms :::: If it only saves you once a year.

* RTA Condoms :::: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms :::: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms :::: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms :::: We'll save you

* "Rudd/Gillard" Condom::::

Sorry it's too late you're already stuffed.

miky

20th December 2010, 05:59 PM

hodgo

22nd December 2010, 07:07 PM

the end</SPAN>, I want to thank all of you for your helpful educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 thatBill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone becausesomeone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Woollies since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . ..

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Enjoy - and I look forward to your further inspirational and motivational snippets of useful and totally useless information next year.

</P>

sashadidi

23rd December 2010, 09:29 AM

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me **** vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and ****es in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and ****es into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to **** in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to **** in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
:wasntme:

ezyrama

23rd December 2010, 09:51 AM

hodgo

23rd December 2010, 07:53 PM

http://www.aulro.com/afvb/attachment.php?attachmentid=31982&stc=1&d=1293097965

LOVEMYRANGIE

23rd December 2010, 09:58 PM

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall???

Dam......

Well my daughter found it funny.....

LOVEMYRANGIE

23rd December 2010, 10:13 PM

One dark night in the small town of Woop Woop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire brigades for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage
company president rushed to the captain and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the safe in the centre of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire brigade that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire brigades
had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire brigade that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire tanker of the nearby Baringa volunteer
fire brigade composed mainly of Aboriginal fire-fighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down tanker operated by these
Aboriginal fire-fighters, passed the fire trucks parked outside the plant,
and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other volunteers watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped
off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own
lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal fire-fighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire captain, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Well,' said Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire captain, 'de first ting
we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat ******* old truck, eh!!'

Sent from my mobile stone using smoke signals!!

sashadidi

24th December 2010, 05:38 PM

Quite good

YouTube - My Blackberry Is Not Working! - The One Ronnie, Preview - BBC One

MEANZ06

29th December 2010, 12:27 PM

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised

KarlB

3rd January 2011, 11:44 AM

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major For conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature"

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

VladTepes

3rd January 2011, 05:55 PM

YouTube - "If My Nose Was Running Money" By Aaron Wilburn!

sashadidi

4th January 2011, 08:23 AM

so true!!!

d2dave

6th January 2011, 06:10 PM

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON

LOVEMYRANGIE

6th January 2011, 07:07 PM

KarlB

6th January 2011, 08:42 PM

A doctor in St John's wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years

"Lard Tunderin' Buddy!!! What did you do?"

I put drops in her eyes!!

hiline

7th January 2011, 06:16 AM

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her ****?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, spluttering and coughing.

'Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'

VladTepes

8th January 2011, 12:12 PM

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large Plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips,
and every once In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 Bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady.

"I'd better go back, and See if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop.

"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the Way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", not everybody pays".

d2dave

10th January 2011, 06:57 PM

A crusty old biker from Brisbane out on a long summer ride in the country on a hot Sunday arvo, pulls up to the Aratula Pub in the middle of nowhere out on the Cunningham Highway, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $3.00?
HAMBURGER: $10.00?
CHEESEBURGER: $8.50?
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50?
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender, who is serving drinks to a couple of sunwrinkled potato farmers, a grazier or two, and half a dozen interstate truckies.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, seductive smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are ya the one who gives the hand-jobs?

She looks into his eyes with that wide, coy smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer, and into her left ear he whispers softly,

"Well, wash ya hands real good, coz I want a chicken sandwich".

d2dave

10th January 2011, 08:49 PM

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

sashadidi

11th January 2011, 04:07 AM

A bloke walks into a brothel and says:

"I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies $60.

"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australian Cricket XI shirt."

:wasntme:

DeeJay

12th January 2011, 08:48 PM

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Seniors Discount - this is the code for you.
ATD: At the Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't Get Up
CRS: Can't Remember ****
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
LOL: Living On Lipitor
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL: Rolling On The Floor Laughing....
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

DiscoMick

12th January 2011, 08:53 PM

Some of those are scarily accurate...:eek:

d2dave

12th January 2011, 10:06 PM

ARABS

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.. Lets have a look at the evidence: ??- No Christmas?- No television?- No nude women?- No football?- No pork chops?- No hotdogs?- No burgers?- No beer?- No bacon?- Rags for clothes?- Towels for hats?- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?- More than one wife?- More than one mother in law?- You can't shave?- Your wife can't shave?- You can't wash off the smell of donkey?- You wipe your arse with your hand?- You cook over burning camel ****?- Your wife is picked by someone else?- Your wife smells worse than your donkey ?? Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? No **** Sherlock!... ?....It's not like it could get much ****ing worse!

hiline

13th January 2011, 07:06 AM

Subject: FW: How the fight started

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and

she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone

at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after

we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober

since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating

that long?"

And then the fight started...

sashadidi

13th January 2011, 03:00 PM

What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?
A laughing stock.

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’
Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”
What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A waiter.
Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What’s the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
He forgot it was chained to his foot.
What is the main function of the Australia coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey
tells her he’s heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”

What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.
Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
The bloke who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.

What’s the Australian version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A bat.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

Why can’t Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
They eat all the grass.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”

What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.
:wasntme:

sashadidi

13th January 2011, 03:14 PM

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE............
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

Hugh42732

14th January 2011, 06:17 AM

is this why all the ozzies voted green? In New Zealand at least we care about the environment!!!thats why the government taxes us on it!!!!
:wasntme:

Do you know what New Zealanders used for lighting before they used candles:confused::confused::confused: Light Bulbs... OK prob more of a political statement but anything that involves giving the Kiwis a ribbing is usually funny:D

rfurzer

14th January 2011, 06:39 AM

the candle/electric light joke is usually aimed at Zim where it is pretty spot on

isuzutoo-eh

14th January 2011, 08:23 AM

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'p**is' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'p**is' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the oard, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

d2dave

18th January 2011, 02:04 PM

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

LOVEMYRANGIE

19th January 2011, 08:53 PM

If four out of five people suffer from diahoerrhea does that mean there is one person that enjoys it???? :twisted:

Sent from my mobile tellingbone using rock carvings.

KarlB

20th January 2011, 05:21 PM

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me under your robe, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you...I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

digger

21st January 2011, 09:09 AM

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)

Basil135

21st January 2011, 09:29 AM

Digger, that is just soooo wrong on so many different levels. ;)

Loved it....:D

Fifth Columnist

21st January 2011, 10:03 AM

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life...

We talked about the idea of living or dying and I said: "Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If I am ever in that state I want you to disconnect all the equipment and fluids keeping me alive, I'd much rather die."

My wife looked at me for a moment all starry eyed.

Then she jumped up... disconnected my TV, my Cable, my DVD, my PC, my Cell Phone, my iPad, my Playstation, my Xbox... and then went to the shelves and gathered up all my whisky, gin, vodka and my all my beer from the fridge.

I had to rugby tackle her before she got to the sink...

WhiteD3

21st January 2011, 03:25 PM

Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

sashadidi

21st January 2011, 05:31 PM

does this really happen? :)
YouTube - Sheep Prostitutes in Wales

KarlB

21st January 2011, 05:51 PM

does this really happen? :)
It does. But only in New Zealand.

Cheers
KarlB
:p

sashadidi

21st January 2011, 05:58 PM

I do not get on with my MIL, she has promised she will dance for two hours on my grave. I am getting buried at sea...

sashadidi

22nd January 2011, 04:39 AM

I was in a mood earlier because the wife accused me of always trying to be clever.
After hours of awkward silence, she asked "What's the matter?"
I replied "It is the basic structural component of the universe."

Stocks of a de-icing liquid that can tackle hard-packed snow and ice on roads at temperatures as low as -20C are to be used in Scotland.

It'll be on sale in pubs and off licenses from next week

sashadidi

22nd January 2011, 04:43 AM

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka ..

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China ..

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ...

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ..

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1) Spending it at car boot sales, or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or whisky or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

d2dave

22nd January 2011, 07:57 AM

Dear God, my prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year. AMEN

MEANZ06

22nd January 2011, 07:43 PM

Several countries change their threat level...

From the BBC - Read by John Cleese.

ANNOUNCEMENT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor"and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey,!" "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

:D

ADMIRAL

22nd January 2011, 11:54 PM

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

F4Phantom

23rd January 2011, 09:07 PM

I cant delete this post but its impossible to get the joke because you cant read the writing after the image was uploaded.

midal

23rd January 2011, 11:08 PM

You can save it to desktop then blow it up to read, bit fuzzy but it works.

KarlB

25th January 2011, 10:08 PM

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida sate trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never heard before - I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

isuzurover

26th January 2011, 12:54 AM

I cant delete this post but its impossible to get the joke because you cant read the writing after the image was uploaded.

Maybe you need to be a victorian, but I want my 2 minutes (and my eyesight deterioration) back for reading that. not funny.

Fifth Columnist

26th January 2011, 03:24 AM

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand
everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment) , all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor, and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal nor logical !!!!!!"

Fifth Columnist

26th January 2011, 09:18 PM

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but
I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in engineering," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."

sashadidi

30th January 2011, 06:13 PM

I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt.
No more online pyramid schemes then? :)

sashadidi

31st January 2011, 05:52 AM

A lawyer boarded an Air Canada aircraft in Los Angeles with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in Montreal, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in Los Angeles, please raise your hand".

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think!

sashadidi

31st January 2011, 03:38 PM

Understanding Engineers One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket..
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

bee utey

31st January 2011, 04:15 PM

Well it's not quite a joke by funny anyway...

China tries to pass Top Gun footage as military drill

Posted Sun Jan 30, 2011 10:24pm AEDT

Related Link: Video: CCTV broadcast compared to Top Gun sequence (http://online.wsj.com/video/cctv-tries-to-pass-off-top-gun-clip-as-real/43EC0FC2-A440-4522-8E81-437EC747D30A.html)

China's state broadcaster is facing questions after internet users spotted that footage in a report on air force manoeuvres in a national newscast was taken from the 1980s Hollywood film Top Gun.
China Central Television, or CCTV, aired the footage in a January 23 report on a People's Liberation Army Air Force training exercise, showing a plane firing a missile at another.
The second aircraft plane was destroyed in a fiery explosion and the dramatic footage was shown in between interviews with air force officers.
However, some internet users recognised the explosion from the dogfight in the final scene of the 1986 film Top Gun, starring Tom Cruise.
The Wall Street Journal posted a side-by-side video comparison of the CCTV news report and the Top Gun scene on its website, showing the two were identical.
A CCTV representative could not comment on the similarities, the Wall Street Journal said.
The Top Gun footage was aired a week after China vowed to step up its fight to protect intellectual property rights by targeting online piracy.
The original report was removed from the CCTV website after news that part of it had been lifted from the movie spread.
The gaffe has delighted many internet users who often express frustration about having to endure CCTV's propaganda-driven agenda.
"CCTV is the king of copycats," read one comment below a report posted on the video sharing website tudou.com.
- AFP

ADMIRAL

31st January 2011, 09:47 PM

RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

TAOISM - **** happens

CONFUCIANISM – Confucious say ' **** happens'

BUDDHISM – If **** happens, it is really not ****.

ZEN BUDDHISM – What is the sound of **** happening ?

HINDUISM – This **** happened before.

ISLAM – If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.

PROTESTANTISM – Let **** happen to someone else.

CATHOLICISM – If **** happens, then you deserve it.

NEW AGE – Affirm, **** does not happen to me.

ATHIEST – I don't believe this ****!

RASTAFARIAN – Lets roll that **** up and smoke it !

KarlB

1st February 2011, 08:01 PM

When I went to lunch today, I saw an elderly lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I recently married a handsome husband ten years younger than I am. He is waiting now for me at home. He gives me a big kiss every morning and then gets up and makes me bacon and eggs, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then tells me how wonderful I am all afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with my favorite dessert and then tenderly holds my hand while we watch a romantic movie on the TV." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

digger

2nd February 2011, 06:55 AM

Did I ever tell you guys I'm related to the people that invented car airconditioning?? I only just learnt about it myself

My great uncles were The Goldberg Brothers - and they were the Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs out there (or just to dazzle you, my friends, about them)...The four Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers who had all returned from Military service during the war, walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees (F), turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

Henry FORD by then an old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. (an amazing amount back then)

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now, turns out that old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show ¬ Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max
-- on the controls.

Lucky I was able to tell you this stuff huh?

Digger

KarlB

2nd February 2011, 10:06 AM

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

sashadidi

4th February 2011, 04:42 AM

I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"

To which I replied:

"8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."

sashadidi

5th February 2011, 04:52 AM

News Flash:
News flash from the middle east, 10,000 egyptian troops have entered jordan.
She says that she is a little bit sore, but coping well!

p38arover

5th February 2011, 10:09 AM

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!. So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of $175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were just Hovis Witnesses.